Oh cool - cheers Lorien! My super powers would be super-hearing and the ability to talk opponents into a false sense of security whereby they fall asleep - lol! Try-it!
K, so a couple of people have really kindly made me 'buttons'.....I love 'em....and the buttons heh!.....but I ....er....don't want buttons on my site....they look so good on others sites so don't get me wrong....but I just don't want to use them on my site at the mo'....but Tiara and Cupid Girl I will find aout how to link them for others to use if they want....and thnx loads :))
posted by Listener at 10:57 PM
Its one of those night where everything seems to click, where I just get happier and more chilled, when I so enjoy being in front of a computer and surfing....hence I'm posting lots :)
Just a Blog Thang had fun with anagrams and I was reminded to download Anagram Genius (for free!). Most interesting anagram of Listeners Brand New Start was Blandest Winner Restarts - subliminal messaging heh :))
posted by Listener at 10:15 PM
Well I thought this intersting! Today I learnt how gasholders work from a news article on the radio. To explain (and justify!), these are fairly common in the UK and I have often seen them of varying 'heights'. The framework around the outside is always the same size but the 'tank' can often be seen at varying heights up to the maximum. Now I don't think about this greatly but I have always assumed that they just made these tanks to different sizes depending on how much gas they want to store. Oh no, it seems the tank is raised up by gas pressure and the height varies depending on (a) how much gas is in it and (b) what the local consumption is. So these tanks are actually gas-resevoirs, the more gas that gets used the more is taken from the tank, this lowers the pressure and hence the tank itslef 'sinks'. Fascinating - you live with something so common place all your life and one day you find something out about it you'd never even dream of asking about!
I am glad life lets you learn, I am glad I am receptive to learning, that I can see....opportunities...that I can wring some good out of something seemingly useless, its probably the one characteristic about me I would ever really be totally happy with :))
posted by Listener at 10:11 PM
I love floobles/tag boards, I've spotted a few new ones on peoples sites this evening - cool! :))
posted by Listener at 9:40 PM
Monday, April 29, 2002
Oh man, lots of thoughts in my head tonight. I'm too tired to Blog properly, to make coherent thoughts of this jumble (yeah not stopped me before you may say!), its mainly thoughts for others, and mainly I am a little powerless at present to help. I am getting nervously excited about my trip this weekend (how soon it came around) but on that I am mostly looking forward to fun and friendship as only she can provide - I'm kinda 'worried' about her too tho, and this is harder to define, I sometimes think she makes herself take things too well, doesn't allow herself time to heal, I know we'll get time to talk lots too, put the world and each other to rights over a bottle of wine. I am *something indefineable* - irritated? disappointed? - with someone today and there response to me, generally I think I give off good vibes and most people relate well to me, occasionally I seem to unintentionally make people have the extreme opposite view and everything seems misconstrued and muddled. This wouldn't norrmally matter to me but ....well it does this time - but I promised not to talk about it here so I cannot say much more! And mostly I am worried for D. - but again this is not for me to discuss here - *hugs* for you tho'!!
posted by Listener at 11:53 PM
A Break In The Weather
As the day breaks, I try To calm the thoughts To clear my head To lift it higher Out of the water The undercurrent Tugs at me Pulls me along Sweeps me away I’ve been fighting A stormy sea For so long now Keeping my head Above water With all my strength Through the long night I wonder if These calmer waters Will let me float Easily and free To a safe haven Or if this calm Is simply a lull A brief respite Before the tempest Returns once again And the sea’s churn Crashes over me Engulfing me anew So I will float awhile Let myself be taken On the ebb and the flow With the driftwood Till I can see if I am To be carried out to sea Or swept up onto A new beach With golden sand And a new dawn
Its Sunday Samaritan today, I have linked Sandee on this before but her site is such an inspiration, and she has had some good news today after what have been some days of worry that I wanted to mention her again, I sent hugs and best wishes to her and her family.
K, I'm caught up on sites, Hi everyone if I didn't leave a comment, I still came by :)) REM Shiny Happy People playing - oh yeah! Have some poetry I want to work on.....results will be posted hopefully :)
posted by Listener at 10:25 PM
LOL - kinda belies the are you tuff enuff question on Eight from the Eighties - exits to flash of lightening and manic laugh ;)
You're still on the good side of 50%, but you're gaining on it. You're not as good as you should be, but you're good ALMOST all of the time. There's only an occasional time when evil takes over you, but when it does...
1 Are you under pressure? No not really, feel quite chilled these days, I'm trying not to let work stress me too much, I am keeping my hours reasonable and trying to ensure the non-work time is quality time! 2 Are you tuff enuff? No I generally always consider why/where the other person is coming from. I can be tough at times and then I can be quite formiddable, but generally I'm laid back and easy going. >b>3 Are you a material girl/boy? Yes and know, I'd rather spend money on experience than toys and gadgets, but I do like spending money on music and clthes (though only if I've got it). I wouldn't always buy labels because I can't always afford it, but would if I could. 4 Do you pump up the volume, pump up the volume, etc.? Oh yeah, love a loud thrash, I wish ,my car s[peakers were better equipped to deal with it!! 5 No, my first name ain't baby, it's... Neil, I'm not so fussed with it really. 6 I would die 4... Seriously, my girls and to protect anyone innocent. As a spur of the moment I think I would jump in, but if I had time to consider something I owuld probably seek a non-confrontational solution if at all possible. 7 I haven't ________ for the longest time. Heh ;-) 8 (thanks lee!) ever get on the floor and do the new kids dance? Ha! I tried getting the girls to teach me some of the Steps and S Club dances they seem to no intuitively - they just rolled their eyes! I prefer free expression on the dance floor anyway.
I have long meant to sign up for Blogger Pro, not just for the services but also to give something back - judging by some of my recent spelling on posts its high time I did!
posted by Listener at 4:01 PM
The girls are outside playing after eventually managing to finish the last of their homework. doing this can be pretty hit and miss really, sometimes they get on down and do it straight off, other times it a long and painful process. It doen't help that their idea of me helping them is me doing it for them - at which they cry in unjust horror when I tell them I will only check it and help with corrections after the have tried it first themselves - lol :)
We also made a playlist cd. Journey's in the car usually consist of me switching between the varous cds they have loaded in, and of course what one wants the other doesn't so I am continually having to arbitrate. Now I can just load the one CD on which they have chsoen an equal number of records and let it play out - experience however tells me it will not be as simple as this. Here's the playlist
Underneath Your Clothes – Shakira Don’t Look Back in Anger – Oasis Elevation – U2 Watching The Detectives – Elvis Costello American Pie – Madonna Step On My Old Size 9s – Stereophonics Turn Out The Lights – Nelly Furtado You’re All I Need To Get By – Hear’Say Summertime Feeling – S Club 7 Anything Is Possible – Will Young Thinkin’ About You – Britney Spears Me Julie – Ali G and Shaggy Ain’t that Funny – J Lo Back Down to Zero – Hear’Say Viva La Fiesta – S Club 7 Whenever, Wherever – Shakira Soda Pop – Britney Spears Oliver’s Army – Elvis Costello
FreakyDreams came up with the following, there were a few more but these were the interesting ones!
Words like Friend: Joy and consolation. Aspect of self ready for integration. Words like Computer: Facility of communication.high technology. New areas opening. Words like Daughter: Youthful feminine self. Ready to express youthful receptivity. Pleasure and harmony. Words like Desert: Isolation. Retreat. Endurance. Wish to withdraw from something. Words like Sports: Fun. Competition .You're playing some sort of game. Words like Stairs: Up or down. Aspirations .Looking to get to certain point against all opposition. Words like Talking: Conversation. Communication. Seeking for a way to express something. Words like Walking: Freedom. Movement. Ask yourself where do you want to go.
All of which makes no real sense and is so vague it could be made to apply to any situation!!!
Strange dream last night, when I do remember them they have normally been pretty weird. The first part had the feel of being in a computer game, I remember travelling somewhere, walking in a dessert and talking to people but cannot remember exactly what or where I was going. And then I was inside this building, it was very grand, it reminded me of a cross between the some type of stately home and a sports stadium (at least the long corridors that run along the outside of stadium, that you walk down to get to the seats). I remember having to go up and down in lifts quite a lot, but each time I had to go down loads of flights of stairs to get to the lift and when I got out having to climb yet more steps to get where I wanted to go. There were people from work with me and then I was at a formal sit-down dinner talking and joking with them. But I was called away and this is when it got wierd. I met a family friend who accused me of 'dating' his daughter who was nearly 16 but he wasn't happy as I was my current age. He was a sort of a tough gangsterish type character and was quite a bully and everyone seemed to disapprove of me but it seemed more because they awere scared of him than of what I had done. This is odd as when I was a child I did play with this person but she's actually 4 years older than me, and her dad is one of the kindest, gentlest people you can ever meet. Anyhow I was in trouble but when I went back to the table there was lots of other friends there but the girl wasn't so I went to look for her and bumped into her dad again. He started having a go at me once more but I stood up to him and told him not to be so over-protective and not to be such a bully. It all felt a bit like one of those teenage angst movies where the 'kids' come of age and stand up to their parent's issues. Then I woke up.
I'll put this through the dream search engine but I really have no idea what this is all about!!
I've been chatitng to D. and have run out of time.
So, at work I seem to be quite the centre of attention on the gossip front. Now rumours thrive when facts are scarce of course and D. and I are little more than good friends at present - tho' with undersurrent!! But people obviously need a bit of gossip to brighten theire lives and have picked up on this and seem to take great pleasure in teasing me about it, tho not D. so much. I am not hugely bothered by any of this tbh and mention it just in passing. For many reasons, on both sides, there is a desire to go slow, and I find this works pretty well at present and am hugely enjoying the whole experience. I gave D. my url a while back, I don't know why I did this, I intuitively trsusted her with it and I guess was more concerned by what she would make of it rather than what she would do with it. I am glad it has only been positive thing as a result. There is quite a lot I want to say on this subject, quite a lot would be rambling around the subject, but I am not sure I really want to, or can, just at the mo - and I like going with the flow, its not something that needs sorting out in my head, just something that will grow nd develop with time to its own conclusion. This is entriely a personal thing, and not related to anyone who may read this, one thing I realised recently is the importance of not running before you can walk, I feel I can walk these days, and pretty well, but I am not some carefree toddler who doesn't think of the consequences, so I just want to enjoy walking for a while till I get good at it.
I have been fairly busy on Wednesday thru Friday, and this weekend of course, to really focus on much more 'net-wise than updating my blog and catching up on others. I am straining at the leash to explore further, I want to do some stuff to my site and start to branch out into the newsgroups and general 'net stuff that many people find/link to. There just never seems to be the hours in the day. One of the best things about my forthcoming trip will be to talk and share this stuff. I wasn't into all this to this level back then and so it never hugely featured in conversation, I am looking forward to chatting about it from this side of the fence.
I made an off the cuff remark the other day to some girls at work who have Clooney and Pitt fixations! I said that I really liked Brad Pitt's films and then suggested he could almost make me wish I was gay! This came home to roost when in an un-related incident, someone else showed me the infamous (I think) email 'joke' which is a full-frontal picture of Brad with a moveable fig leaf protecting his decency - the fact I had made the earlier comment and quite naturally 'took a peek' was only made worse by one of the bosses ahppening along with a work quesiton at the same time - I don't think he realised what was going on though! LOL!
K, back home, girls in bed and I'm ready to add some more stuff. Firstly Odin had a really good post the other day about a chat he had with someone about their net friends and regular sites, and particularly how they are linked together. My list of reads on the left has gotten quite long of late, they are listed in rough order of me finding them (oldest at top), not all are updated as often as others and I get to most sites at least briefly each day and for a proper 'stay and see' a couple of times a week. Each site is unique and in some way drew me in and made me stay. Each site is tho, linked through me I guess, in that each displays some facet, some personality of its own that appeals to me - its possible that my list of blog-reads is more revealing than my about me page. I draw strength, understanding, learning, compassion, humility and so much more form these sites - thank you all :))
The weather here is very changeable, one minute sunny the next raining and always windy. I love windy days, I love feeling the elements pushing and tugging at you making you feel.....alive, part of this world. Today started off very relaxed, chilling in bed with the girls, just chatting. I like the mornings with them when we are all a bit sleepy still and we just chat about whatever and Bryony and I debate who's going to make the coffee (I lost that one this morning). I am worried for Bryony now, she's just growing up I guess, but she does fight the world and lets things bother her too much, I hope she will have the confidence to realise that she doesn't have to fight every battle and the ones she does don't cost her too much personally. I did not really get confidence in myself until I was maybe 30, I always felt slightly out of place, like I was living someone elses life, or at least not one I had chosen, this reflected itself in bouts of, moodiness (depression is too strong a word) and apathy, I see some of this in her but mostly I think Bryony is just struggling to find out who she is and learning what is and isn't important. She's like her mum too, she's fine when its going well for her but all too easily feels unjustly treated and isn't so good at not getting her own way all the time. I try to stay calm and help her see what is important and what isn't. Its funny when she really believes she is right about something she argues her point in a very rational and calm manner, but other times, on trivial points she just gets upset and shouts and looses her temper.
Anyhow they want me to play Disney charades now so I had better finish off :))
posted by Listener at 11:39 AM
Friday, April 26, 2002
So I wrote about friends a while back - I wanted to update. I hope Sarah is ok, I sometimes worry unnecessarily but methinks something is not quite right, or....well something anyway. Angie is at her sons wedding today, hope it is just the best for her. Ian's looking for a job, which he will find cos he's good at what he does, and Vi is just as cool!
And I have a new friend, D., we work together, and we have got to know each other only over the past month. D. is stunningly attractive, great company, interesting, funny and is just the best to talk to about music, cos she's knows lots of stuff I don't (and maybe vice versa). D. is my 'I hope there may be something more friend'.
posted by Listener at 10:18 PM
I am back! What an amazingly busy-brilliant week. Am kicking back with some wine now and there's lots of things to talk about and am trying to think where to begin. So in no particular order:
The Surreal I picked the girls up today for the weekend and when they opened the door Bryony was in hysterics and ran to me and said 'its alright, its alright, nothings wrong', Alison (my ex-wife was inside in tears too and I start thinking wqhat the hell has happened! So I went in (probably the fourth time in three years I have been in the house) and it would seem that Bryony and her mum have had some type of falling out. Now Bryony can be a very strong willed and temperamental little girl when she wants and I don't know if its an age thing or what but just recently she has been getting very argumentative and just looses her temper big-time and that's not good, either for her in general, nor because she looses it with adults. So I don't know what to do, Alison's in tears, her husband has just got home and isn't sure what's happened either. Bryony is sobbing and Katherine is looking bemused. So I kinda felt a bit wierd to be in the middle of this set-up and wasn't sure quite what I was supposed to say or do so I pack them off into the car and just tell Alison to call if she wants to talk about it. I am sure I will find out exactly what went on but it all seems a bit out of proportion really.
The Bizarre Driving home today stuck in a traffic jam, nose to tail on the M25 the actions of the couple in the car in front of me caugth my attention. She kept leaning across his side, he had his left arm up across the back of her seat, then she shuffled closer to him and bent down and....well.....*imagine*....a couple of minutes later she lifted her head back up and he kissed her and had a huge smile on his face! Sure as hell looked like a BJ to me - and in rush hour - what a girl!!
The Gratuitous So last night's do was fun. Went to the pub and were supposed to go for a meal but it turned into one of those sessions where nobody could be bothered to leave as everyone was talking too much. I embarrassed myself on the Karaoke yet again!! Another hangover again this morning which didn't get any better until lunchtime - ham, egg and chips, yum, or maybe it was just the company that made me feel better - but more on this a little later (Kat be patient - lol).
The Odd I had deja vue writing that last sentence - weird!
The Painful I crashed ona mates floor last night, he kindly lent me an air-bed and even pumped it up. But when I awoke this morning it had let itself down in the night and I was as good as on the floor anyway.
The Ironic Having decided to move forward and meet up with the girl that started all this, and be friends, I now find that I am going to be going there with work the day after the weekend I visit - which means I will stay there. But its ironic after dreading a work visit there for 4 months because of how I felt, now I am going, I have to go with work anyway!!!
K there's other stuff but will save for later, I want to catch up on peoples blogs.
I have a head full of stuff and don't know where to start - so I'm not going to! I will wait till the weekend (sorry am on the razz tomorrow!). I'm off to bed nn :)) Oh all of it is good as it happens :)
posted by Listener at 11:43 PM
Shuffle play is my new best thing - I love putting a random selection in my car or on my PC playlist and letting it flow - so I changed my listening to as Madonna's Don't Tell Me just came on, I love this song sooooo much :-))
posted by Listener at 1:22 AM
So new banner lyrics this evening, it came up on shuffle play and I hadn't heard it for a while - top song tho. Well done to the clever ones who got the last one right but methinks this may be a bit trickier!
posted by Listener at 12:52 AM
Tuesday, April 23, 2002
I'm never gonna drink again! K I'm off to the pub to do the quiz thang - D'oh! When I get back I'm going to check up on everyone's sites because I haven't done so properly for a few days and I want to catch up! Today I feel very lucky to have the friends I have both RL and on 'net :))))
posted by Listener at 8:44 PM
Ugh just got back from conference which went well despite having the hangover from hell - me head still hurts :( Thought I'd post up last nights quizzes which I forgot to do (post them that is I didn't forget to do them)! D'oh!
How cool! er I think, prompted by Ariel I typed Brand New Start into Google - its only the first link! YAY! at least only if people type it in as a search request!
posted by Listener at 11:53 PM
Simply Said (for D)
So its kind of funny That I loose my voice Now, I can talk for hours About nothing and Anything I’ve never needed To say so much Nor wanted it to Matter Yet have fallen so silent Now you are near me All at once I could Tell That you were there, here You caught my thoughts And my breath As well
Ugh - me's tired - just got in from work. Hugely busy today, but successful, don't mind really getting in late I have consistently got away between 6 and 7 just recently so the odd late night is ok - I had reports to write. I am giving a presentation tomorrow - at a conference on WCDMA Implementation and Optimisation (that's nerd speak for building really clever mobile phone's that do 384k to your mobile that you won't be able to afford for the next 5 years!), not sure how big it'll be, prolly not very - too scarey if I think otherwise. Suppose I should practice it but am too tired to care, I've given it before a couple of months ago so it should be ok. In a funny mood again, but a nice funny, oddly enough. Think I'm going to try and write some poetry, I haven't had much time the last few days.
posted by Listener at 9:34 PM
Sunday, April 21, 2002
So despite the day or so's twitch in my well being earlier this week I have had just the best weekend ever - well for a good long while. The best company, the best film, the best weather, the best food, just the best. I'm smiling, excited and happy. Today I went out for Sunday lunch, the first one of the year sitting outside with a friend from work, we then wandered down to Henly-upon-Thames and chilled by the river - it was ace! :))
posted by Listener at 8:24 PM
For this week's Sunday Samaritan I went to DV's site. He is really down but is also trying to be positive and take from life as much as possible. I tried to offer some support and understanding.
1) My lucky number's... I don't really have one, I once won a mobile phone with ticket number 152 but its not a very practical lucky number is it!!.
2) Are you super freaky, yow? I don't think so....
3) Do you drink? Do you smoke? What do you do? Yes and Yes! But in the sprirt of the video, I do do other things too!
4) What *do* boys like? This boy likes the internet, poetry, mountain biking, having fun, good company, listening (and talking!)....and much more besides - this post is starting to sound like a lonly hearts ad - lol!
5) Is heaven a place on Earth? Yes and I've been there!
6) Have you ever been in a bizarre love triangle? Yes, when Nicole and Tom were married I guess - heh ;-)
7) Do you get physical, physical? Yes, 'cept I hurt my back recently - gym and mountain biking my faves!
8) Shout, shout, let it all out. Erm, Nope, at the mo I really can't think of anything that winds me up enough to want to vent my spleen!
Beautiful Mind is such a great film - really moving and brilliantly acted - top evening!
Listening to shuffle play music on the way home on the CD player. Something (in my opinion) the boy and girl band proponents of the world should remember when doing songs about life and love is that to believe you gotta feel it, its got to send shivers up you spine and hit you deep inside. Something U2 (God Part II), Coldpay (Trouble) and Mathew Ryan (Heartache Weather) seem to know!
posted by Listener at 2:07 AM
Saturday, April 20, 2002
I have just spent the rest of the afternoon finishing man and boy. I'm not going to say anything, but just read it ok?
posted by Listener at 6:44 PM
Dammit, typo'd on last post again and merged link with comments - there seems no way back from this error. The post went something like:
From the comments I see I got a new hit Toy Boy whose just started up but it looks good so far, there's a poems link to look forward to as well! I remember starting my site and feeling very lost in this on-line journal world where everyone seemed to know everyone, and more importantly has such cool sites and knew what to do and where to go. I feel a little more comfortable with it all now and am really delighted to have made so many friends out there.
I commented a while back that my 'I read' list was getting long...think its going to get longer :))
posted by Listener at 3:30 PM
I got lost in the 'net and still haven't finished cleaning - lol - I liked Gina's site.
Guruvious started a Wednesday joke link....check it and the comments out to ROFL :)))
He also manages to find some Friday Freaky Links, try Cat Hats and the other ones on his Friday post for mor ROFLing :)
posted by Listener at 2:55 PM
Today I lay in for the longest time....well till 9.30 which is long for me :) I had to go straight out for coffee as I ran out. Now I am chilling and tidying the flat (which will take most of the afternoon as I will keep stopping and starting I just know it! Tonight is the pictures and tomorrow lunch with a frined. Its a beautiful day outside I have all the windows open and am feeling.....light.
posted by Listener at 12:36 PM
Wow! Just caught up on comments, Ariel, Kat, DV, Chris, Odin, Shell, Karen, Sandee and anyone else that has ever commented - thank you...I get so much from being able to post my thoughts....and I draw huge comfort from such comments....what would I do without you all. I don't know what else to say. Everyone's pain is there own, and real to them, if different to others in severity or nature, I am lucky that mine can recede because this time it is not born out of anything bad...just.....time and place....I do have so much and I do feel I get more with each day. I have, too, had just the best evening and I am fine again for now......long may it last, for me and for everyone else too.....nn :))
posted by Listener at 1:34 AM
Friday, April 19, 2002
As I lay half asleep in bed this morning I thought "Yeah but I have made some dificult decisions at times in my life, ones I was also scared to make, but I made them and I got through them and after each brand new start I was always a better person, a happier person". I think I managed to keep hold of yesterday....just.
posted by Listener at 6:59 AM
I changed my 'listening to'....this song inspires me probably more then any other....but then I have made a lot of Brand New Starts in my life, maybe too many!
posted by Listener at 12:22 AM
Thursday, April 18, 2002
I didn't realise how much I needed to make that last post - I have held off for a few days....I am glad I have now done it. I also didn't realsie just how many metaphors I mixed when I wrote it ;-)
posted by Listener at 11:49 PM
I am scared....I have tried hard to work out what this is I am feeling and have now narrowed it down to just being scared. And I don't know how to explain why. I am suddenly concious that people read this! I have spent a little over 4 months now trying to get over the woman of my dreams. In the cold hard glare of day I can list the reasons it ended and why it could not be, I understand that it is over, that it is my past, but that's thinking with the head...there's still the feeling wit the heart to contend with and that just ain't so easy to sort out. So here I am a little over four months on thinking about the good that has come of it, the wonderful things in my life, about the reality, the chances.....and yet I am still surprised when I spend a couple of days not coping, missing her so much I want to just stay in bed and cry.
And I do want to move on...I feel my train is stuck at the station, on a redlight and I want to get off the damn thing and change it to green...but I'm scared to.
I'm waiting for another train to arrive first, with her on it, I so need to see her, to know its all going to be ok, I need the answers that come just from being in her presence, I nee to know its time to change the light to green and carry on again. Its hard to keep someone you are in love with in your life as a friend. The rewards are huge but then so is the adjustment, its like being in a room full of all the things you crave for, wish for, want for only to find that the best thing, the most treasured thing has been put up on a shelf that you cannot reach up to. How do you deal with that,? Turn away and ignore all the good things or stay and feel lucky and happy that you have so much? I want to know I can stay in the room and still be happy....but to do that I need to go into the room...and I am going to....but it scares me.
And I am scared because I'm not sure if I can risk going through this again, I don't need to be in a realtionship, but I do want someone, one day, to share all my hopes, loves, passion with....someone intimate. But what if I find it again and.......loose it again. I have never been more in love with anyone than I was with this person.....this is a double edged sword....I know now what to aspire to...but also how rare that can be......maybe I'll just tread carefully from now on, for everyone's sake....its not made me bitter or cynical.....far from it, but aware of the personal cost all my 'relationships' have taken on me.
I don't want to "wander in the future looking forward to the past". I'd be lying if I denied some part of me didn't hope for a different outcome, for a second chance....but that's in its own place and is not what the seeing is about at all. Seeing her doesn't scare me tho, I know it will all be alright, I know it will be a step towards the future, I know I will move on in some way, its these implications of the seeing that scares me.
posted by Listener at 11:47 PM
My head hurts – my brain just doesn’t work the way I want it to!
Gotta go to a work’s do tonight which will not be the usual fun time as its with a partner company and they restricted the numbers and the usual crowd didn’t get invites and its left a bad feeling about it all :-( those who were invited didn't realise the others weren't and those who weren't didn't know what ew were talking about - not good for team spirits.
tbh I just want to go home and stop thinking.
posted by Listener at 4:54 PM
From U2...as ever!
Some days are dry, some days are leaky Some days come clean, other days are sneaky Some days take less, but most days take more Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor
Yeah....today feels like its gonna slip on the floor alright.....
posted by Listener at 9:50 AM
This song just came up on shuffle play, I used to listen to it because it reminded me of someone, because it echoed all my saddness and loss, now, that saddness is altered, replaced, brghtened even, by something different...I can't put my finger on it....but I'm exploring it. I don't think this song has the happy ending that the film has, but somehow I think Mr Costello was cool about it, I hear hope for a future, one with the memories but without the actual.
She Elvis Costello
She may be the face I can't forget The trace of pleasure or regret May be my treasure or the price I have to pay She may be the song that summer sings May be the chill that autumn brings May be a hundred different things Within the measure of a day
She may be the beauty or the beast May be the famine or the feast May turn each day into a heaven or a hell She may be the mirror of my dreams The smile reflected in a stream She may not be what she may seem Inside her shell
She who always seems so happy in a crowd Whose eyes can be so private and so proud No-one's allowed to see them when they cry She may be the love that cannot hope to last That comes to me from shadows of the past That I'll remember 'til the day I die
She may be the reason I survive The why and wherefore I'm alive The one I'll care for through the rough and ready years Me, I'll take her laughter and her tears And make them all my souvenirs For when she goes I've got to be The meaning of my life is she
Oh yeah! cool music, glass of wine....catching up on you all....oh yeah....I enjoyed today, I've been drifting thru work the last few weeks but I made an effort today - and it was good - and pigs flew! Oh yeah. btw, thnx for comments on that it was an idle thought I had this morning and I smiled at the empathy out there - heh!!
posted by Listener at 8:45 PM
Ladies and gentleman on behalf of the captain I would like to welcome you to Swine Air, where pigs really do fly. If you look outside the window you will see that the weather is great and it’s a lovely day, our cabin staff will be around shortly to give you a welcome shot of caffeine to relieve the extreme tedium during this long haul working day but until then may I remind you to smile, be happy and remember be fine…because its easier that way.....because I am J
posted by Listener at 2:22 PM
Wow I am up and ready for work a whole hour earlier than ususal! It sunny and the day lies ahead, I don't 'like' my job at the moment but I am going to make myself enjoy today! Have a great day everyone. K, saddle up the pigs - let's fly ;-)
posted by Listener at 7:17 AM
I am a staple in almost everyone's diet. Friends like me are a complement to any other friends I get on with almost everyone, remaining mostly in the background, but providing substance when it would otherwise be lacking. What Flavour Are You?
then:
I am Vanilla Flavoured.
I am one of the most popular flavours in the world. Subtle and smooth, I go reasonably with anyone, and rarely do anything to offend. I can be expected to be blending in in society. What Flavour Are You?
I went to the pub-quiz tonight - we were equal top but lost on the tie-breaker (in which year was Tora Tora Tora made?). I've just taken some photos of the flat so I can remind myself that it needs cleaning up form time to time!
When I blog I feel better....it helps! I know lots of people feel like this too. I am not sure why it does, I think possibly there is a natural distillation of thoughts that goes into talking or writing about something and when you are done you realise that something has dropped into place, maybe not the whole picture but a piece of it. Or maybe its just the relief from letting it out. I blog at work...sometimes a fair bit. I feel bad about this although I work long hours and in comparison its a drop in the ocean....like the time spent making coffee or stopping for a chat. I also blog just for the sheer fun of meeting new people, getting new ideas and widening ons field of vision.
posted by Listener at 7:10 PM
I dreamt something last night but as soon as I woke it left me and I could not remember anything other than that I had dreamed. I felt a disquiet in me as I got ready, lots of half-thoughts floating around my head, lots of small things on my mind, mostly things I cannot do anything about, mostly about other people, mostly not-hugely-important to be honest. Maybe I’m just thinking too much, maybe I will post about them later.
I put some loud upbeat music on in the car on the drive in and enjoyed the fact that the sun has returned. This cleared my head somewhat.
Have to post this because I am listening to it and I have always loved it and it is something I can but dream of aspiring to (post-post thought - when I say aspire to I mean writing lyrics like this).
Hey check this....IfElse-test. Its a friends 'test-site'....let me know if you 'get it' (when you do you'll know what I mean)......themain site is ifelse.net
Bah! Me's buggered up RealJukebox....and I was assured it was foolproof! Ha! Wish I was PC litrate!! ;)
posted by Listener at 10:05 PM
Bacon butties with brown sauce - Yum :)) This may just be about the most profound thing I am going to post tonight!
posted by Listener at 9:13 PM
I liked this one - cheers Cynthia! Its sooooo funny I spent ages typing in firnds names....some of you have very good ones - try it! posted by Listener at 8:28 PM
Sunday, April 14, 2002
Me's thoughtful and fine.....good night :o))
posted by Listener at 11:47 PM
From Brand New Start – Paul WellerI
All that I can, I can be All that I am I can See All that is mine is in my hands So to myself I call
There's somewhere else I should be There's someone else I can see There's something more I can find It's only up to me
In amongst the Popstars driven pop the girls like (and me too sometimes tbh) I try to feed them the odd gem of 'decent' music (yeah ok subjective I know but still you cannot live on Will alone). They like catchy, odd-ball, slightly quirky sounding songs (eg U2-Elevation, and Elvis Costello-Watching the Detectives). Occasionally they feed a gem back to me, this week it is Shakira. I have not decided whether this is thinly veiled soon to get bored of music or something more but it rocks at the mo. Its a kind of Pat Benatar-Alanis Morisette-Tori Amos-Ricky Martin fusion (well that's what I thought anyway). Any album that can start with a Tango has to be worth a listen don’t it? The current single is Whenever-Wherever [Hear It]/[Read It].
posted by Listener at 8:59 PM
I'm a disorganised person, my flat is a mess after the girls stayed (i try to make them put stuff away but....and when I say put that rubbish in the bin, they hand it to me! should I read anything into this - heh!), I like piles...I have piles of...stuff around me, my (new) pc pile consisting of mags, CD ROMs, notes etc, I have a to do pile (more aptly named 'should have done' pile) and I have a wtf pile (which is so old I don't know what the fuck is in it). I once took me half anhour to throw my recycling pile into the recycling containers....and it took two trips. I try to get organised, I once brought some filing boxes and put all my paperwork in order....I plan to revisit this sometime next year when the piles get so high they keep falling over. I do housework maybe every two weeks and like the order and tidyness it creates (though this is superficial as I get bored half way through and sweep stuff under metaphorical carpets) but I don't like it enough to maintain it. When I have lots to do I forget things so I write lists....but i forget to take the lists out. The only thing I keep neat is my PC filing system (work and home), my desk has bigger piles than at home. When at someone elses home I am fairly considerate and like to tidy up after myself. But I am a dis-organised person and that is the way it is. When people come to stay I will neaten the piles and flatten the lumpy carpets but anyone who stays with me should remember this, I want them to enjoy their time here, in amongst my piles and lumpy 'stuff underneath' carpets, I want them to leave traces of their stay so I know they have been. That's the way I like it.
posted by Listener at 8:38 PM
For the Sunday Samaritan today I visited Sandee's site. Sandee is fighting cancer and is hugely courageous and inspirational - everyday she posts about someone in her life to whom she is thankful for. I left her my best wishes for her and her family.
posted by Listener at 7:41 PM
1) Do you find yourself making love out of nothing at all? Mostly I make love on my own these days – is this the same thing - ha ha ;-)
2) All I need is a miracle, all I need is... A pay rise – or more solid financial management!
3) If you had to live your life in one day, how would you speed your time away? Telling those that mattered exactly why they do.
4) Do you get so emotional, baby? Yeah!
5) Do you have too much time on your hands? Never enough, I’ve rescheduled sleeping till later in life so I can fir it all in.
6) Sex is natural, sex is fun, sex is best when it's...uninhibited between lovers with a meeting of mutual tastes, desires, needs….preferably without boundaries.
7) Is there something I should know? Lots – ask away!
8) (thanks srah!) Do you come from a land down under? I say ‘no worries’, and ‘heaps’ a lot – both Australian. I don’t know why this is. An Australian colleague actually asked if I was because of this. I went there 12 years ago and it was ace.
1. What is your favorite restaurant and why? Don't have a regular fave as such, tho go to Olivo in Guildford quite often I guess, at time I have been a regular at Shenai in Dhaka, Bangladesh, La Piazza in Douglas, Isle of Man and The Cricketers in Godalming. 2. What fast food restaurant are you partial to? Whatever is to hand I guess.
3. What are your standards and rules for tipping? I usually always tip, even if service is average-poor, 10% minimum and maybe up to the nearest £5 or £10 if the evening/meal/service has been really good!
4. Do you usually order an appetizer and/or dessert? I prefer starters to dessert - sharing dessert is fun tho!
5. What do you usually order to drink at a restaurant? Either red wine or beer normally.
K, so final post of the 'day', anonymous commenters - not sure what to do about this - at first I thought it was ok, people without sites, people without email (?!) - but then again, why? I don't wish to dissuade anyone form making a comment - for or against what I say, but without some point of reference its hard to reply - so please continue whoever you/they are - but I may not always reply.
posted by Listener at 12:28 AM
Adjustment
I need someone who Can sort out my head To show me the way The path I have led I want a song now To explain how I feel Music that will soothe To clarify, to heal
Her music it sang But faded somehow I wish it could still Sing to me now I can just hear its tune A familiar refrain Sustaining and solace Through all the pain
I strive to capture My thoughts at that time When it was so simple When this life was mine So give back my music That I can live by So I can know now The truth from a lie
So I can give you All that I can be So I can explain The truth that I see I want to help out with You’re brand new start To show you a truth That sets you apart
As pointed out by Su(zi)e, Legoland is great for children of all ages and I had as great a time as they did. I have really noticed a change in Katherine since Christmas, she has lost almost all the total, trusting innocence of pre-school years and is starting to form her own evaluations of things rather than accept things as given. She is also standing up to her sister a bit more (good) and it is less easy to coerce her into something she doesn't want to do (heh - you know like go ot bed on-time!).
So all of which made me think about age today. I am 34 - but I don't feel it. But then I don't know what 'feeling an age' actually involves. I know that I can be hugely childish, jeuvenile, immature, mature and downright responsible and sensible as and when the need or the mood takes! And in the last 5 years I have become more comfortable and familiar with myself, I know who I am much more now, what makes me tick. I have in some ironic twist become happier with this person I am, as so many things that would conventionally make people 'happy' (you know the 'settle down and have a family, move house etc' type stuff) have slipped away. Not that that is what is important. To me learning, communicating, exepriencing, developing, understanding are the things which make life worth living. I loved the film As Good As it Gets, and the line " You make me want to be a better man", taken totally out of context this is what I would like as my epitath; that I tried to be a better man. Not for anyone in particular (tho its always a bonus I guess) but just for me '......all that I can I can be, all that I am I can see, all that is mine is in my hands.....'!
And this person I have become, I know I can live with him, his strengths and weaknesses, successes and failings, the good and the bad. And I know that life will always be good, because it will always be interesting, because it will always be an adventure.
K, re-read this post - what am I trying to say? - I think I may revisit this subject sometime.
posted by Listener at 9:54 PM
Soooo the girls are now in bed (on time tonight as we have a big day tomorrow) and I'm kicking back with a glass of wine. Its Katherine's birthday next Saturday but because that's not my weekend we are celebrating it this weekend! The presents are wrapped and hidden, notes about where to find them laid out around the flat and I am just about to prepare the picnic for tomorrows trip to Legoland. We have been before and its great fun, its probably the last time tho as its for 7 and unders and Katherine is seven this year. That said we are all looking forward to it hugely :-)
K, off to catch up on everyone's sites.
posted by Listener at 9:37 PM
Parting Thoughts
So we’re decided then? This is the best way We can stay here Constrained Resentment building inside As we draw each breath Or we can do this Depart Exit stage left And bring down the curtain We still have choices you know? We still have Connection We can choose to be bitter, To resent, hate, forget, destroy Or we can look back with love and pride At what we created And forward with tenderness and warmth For what lies ahead And I know what you will choose And that makes this parting Sadder And I will know, one day, In another life, That there was a better way This will be shown to me But not to you You have looked away Already
I've been meaning to explain this link for ages, its been on the left for a while now, I really loved CynthiaSpeaks, because she's a good Wordgames sparring partner but I also love the artwork she displays through her site! [ Oh and sorry about last challenge Cynthia :)) ]
posted by Listener at 12:47 AM
Wowie! You are Redensek! You are techy yet cute, and pretty much all around cool. Everyone loves you! You're fun, popular, and can mold yourself to fit right in to any situation.
This was quite funny – well us in the office thought so. Names changed to protect the innocent – me! John went to go downstairs via the back door office but couldn’t open the door (we have security lock you have to swipe to get thru door) and so someone suggested he try the nob (the manual lock on the door). Hey presto door would now open. Once he’d gone I ran over and locked the door again so when he came up he couldn’t get back in. ‘Come on guys et us in’ he shouted ‘there’s no nob on this side’. Quick as a flash someone piped up ‘oh yes there is!!’ ROFL – K gonna do some work now – heh!
posted by Listener at 10:01 AM
Just one of the cool things I like about Ariel's site is her great taste in music and that she always manages to introduce me to new songs, bands and singers, I've either not heard of before or not got around to listening to. This has included The Eels, Tori Amos and I Monster in the past. Currently she's listening to 4 Non-Blondes' Drifting which is just beautiful - I'm gonna get me some of that - cheers babe - and it inspired me to change mine!
posted by Listener at 7:32 AM
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
Oh dear, me's pensive, you know when you have to do or ask something and you are not sure exactly how to go about it and don't want it to spoil anything or upset someone?.....well that's me right now!
posted by Listener at 11:57 PM
So anyone remember my train journey? Even though I haven't blogged specifically about it for a while there isn't a day goes by where I haven't remembered that I am still on it, its just that the view out of the window has been consuming more of my attention and that's good. I have started to think of the one I left behind when I started the journey in a different ......way. Not totally in the way that's going to make the journey, the travelling, totally happy but its getting closer. In fact I actually changed trains yesterday because this new one is going somewhere where we can meet up. I am very excited by this, I have missed her, and really want to see her again, to exchange stories, catch up and just enjoy the pleasure of her company and friendship again. At the same time I am a little nervous, I know I want to do this. make this step, and I know only good will come of it......but I cannot quite imagine how I will feel, deep inside, when I step down onto the station and see her again. It will be alright tho, I am happy.
Oddly enough and in a very jumbled, indirect way I think I dreamed of this meeting as I slept last night.
posted by Listener at 10:56 PM
Words like Floors: Foundation. Need to create some stability. Words like Flowers: Beauty. Happiness. Pleasure. Blossoming. Words like Friend: Joy and consolation. Aspect of self ready for integration. Words like Hotel: Transitional aspect of identity. Success of hopes . Long journey. Words like Plane: Movement across great distance. Freedom. Changes towards new directions. Words like Vases: Display. Holding feelings. Words like Window: Opening. Opportunity. Feelings of being watched.Need for privacy
All very interesting and indeed pertinent, actually I can explain why some of the events occurred in terms of things that happened yesterday eg a (different) friend went for an interview yesterday for a job in Belize, I booked a flight to go and see another friend on-line, I knocked a half-cup of coffeee over, etc. But the way I see dreams is that they pull together a bunch of thoughts and feelings and happenings and these are used in some way to express another more dominant emotion/concern.
And I know what the big thing is and its hard to describe at the mo' I will post about it later when I find the right words.
posted by Listener at 5:55 PM
Strange day....I feel a bit confused/bemused/perplexed....the dream still lingers in my memories...and for the first time since I started this I am not sure I can blog about it just yet so this post will have to suffice till it sorts itself out!
posted by Listener at 1:26 PM
A very unsettled dreamy night last night for some reason - I dreamt I got on a plane and went to visit a friend in Belize to see their new flat and when I got out of the airport we took a ferry there and then to get to his flat we had to climb the outside of the 7 storey building through a window and then down the inside of the building which didn't have any floors inside it just lots of shelves filled with lots of things some of which I recgnised as I used to own them but don't anymore (things I've either sold, got rid of or left behind). On descending I knocked lots of vases of flowers off and had to tidy up when I got to the bottom - even though he (my friend) didn't mind, nor his girlfriend (which is odd too as this friend is gay). Another friend then went off to work in a local bus the wrong way. And there were lots of other people I knew in it from work who were trying to get a new hotel built and were asking me about papier mache suppliers in Belize. Oh and his neighbour was an old landlady of mine except she looked like someone else I knew and I kept saying I used to stay in her house even though I had never been to Belize before.
I don't alwys remember dreams so thought I would pop this down for posterity! Even more bizarrly I think I can put almost all of this dream into context!
posted by Listener at 7:10 AM
Tuesday, April 09, 2002
An interesting piece of programming and a fine illustration of how one's Blogging may appear to a casual visitor - heh! Oh and I suspect it changes on each visit!
posted by Listener at 11:15 PM
More mortgage paperwork tonight - it seems never ending - results will be worth it - oh damn just remembered I forgot to phone my landlord again to check I can stay on when the contract stops next month....D'oh!!
posted by Listener at 9:56 PM
Its Not You (for Anji)
Its like living with a dead body You turned and said to me And I wish that you could sometimes Have the hope of possibility
Its not who we choose to love, But how they choose to be Rejection can be handled thus But cowardice cannot see
You have so much more to give Than is wanted in their song But no blame could fall on you You just grew and you moved on
Please don’t let the their anguish Cool your natural grace You offer much because you can Run to this dawn apace
So please my darling notice this Its not you who is wrong Take my hand, it will be aright You can sing a different song
And you’ll be so much better than Your strongest doubter’s know Because I have seen a light in you, And the seeds with which you sow
Can't you see where memories are kept bright? Tripping on the water like a laughing girl. Time in her eyes is spawning past life, One with the ocean and the woman unfurled, Holding all the love that waits for you here. Catch us now for I am your future. A kiss on the wind and we'll make the land. Come over here to where When lingers, Waiting in this empty world, Waiting for Then, when the lifespray cools. For Now does ride in on the curl of the wave, And you will dance with me in the sunlit pools. We are of the going water and the gone. We are of water in the holy land of water And all that's to come runs in With the thrust on the strand."
I'm gonna elaborate on Question 5 Burning Down the House because have just been reminded of it. So twice - once forgiveable twice---stoopid - heh?
1 First year at uni my mate said shall we have chips, so in a fit of 'I have left home I know how to look after myself' I filled a pan with oil and put it on the cooker. Approx 10 minutes later someone came in and suggested that the "fat looks a little ...er hot?". So I picked it up and moved it through a half turn to set it on the (steel) draining board. Now, in my defence, how was I to know that air moving swiftly across v hot fat will make it more combustible? Anyhow with undue promptness chip-pan went afire, mate threw fire-blanket on it but it burnt thru in 10 seconds, mate said "NO!!!!!" because I suggested running the cold tap onto it would help and we went for the fire extinguisher. Of course being the second week of term the fire extinguisher had been exhausted the previous Friday night after the 'Fresher's Disco' - D'oh. So only option was to hit the fire alarm and avacuate 250 freshers into the cold night air until the fire brigade sorted it. Me? I was unsuitably chuffed at my new found notoriety!! It was at least, oh, 3 days before someone else did something stupid enough to stop the 'fire in the hole' taunts as I wandered to lectures ;-)
2 Nearly burnt down Angie's flat with an errant cig the night before she completed on selling it! It was only a smouldering bin bag so nowhere near as dramatic as (1)!!!!!
Actually just realised there was a third - night in with a girlfriend, candles, romance and a hastily tossed aside pillow! D'oh!!!
I'm a Fire Starter - Twisted Fire Starter hey hey hey !!
posted by Listener at 11:20 PM
1. When was the last time your computer crashed? What happened? This one is one month old and been as good as gold except one day when I tried to delete one of thos porn spam mails that opened loads of windows and caused the PC to lock up - no really that is what happened - heh!
2. Recommend a movie (new or old) for us to watch. Jack and Sarah - see last night's blogs.
3. When was the last time someone told you that you were attractive (and you actually believed them)? Friends being kind recently (what friends do for you eh!) tho I find it hard to believe.
4. Do you like to sleep in or wake up with the chickens? Both at different times. Tho' on my own I'll tend to get up when I wake up rather than roll-over and go back to sleep!!
5. Are you gay, straight or bi? Straight really, anything else is not something I'd particualrly choose to pursue, although that said I'm kinda of never say never sometimes so who knows, tho' suspect there may have to be a lot of drink and maybe still a woman involved. I have been attractedto two different menat times in my life, both were hugely charismatic and gay and were not 'offering' anything and I did not want to explore.
6. What will be the next computer-related purchase you will make? A printer as i don't yet have one..
7. I soak up affection like a sponge. But in my current relationship, sadly, I am the giver. The only hugs I get are the ones I initiate (and those become fewer and fewer). I tell you, I would be putty in your hands if you were to be affectionate to me. What is your role when you are in relationships? A giver, a taker, or is it an equal balance? At times I have been almost a total giver but that was not necessarily a good thing, I think a balance is obviously best and I am much more aware of what I may 'need' at times, tho' I'd still try to shade my partner on the giving stakes....kinda fun to see who wins ;-)
BONUS: Would I lie to you? No, I may apply tact, discretion or even avoid the subject if necessary but I would never lie.
1. When was the last time your computer crashed? What happened? This one is one month old and been as good as gold except one day when I tried to delete one of thos porn spam mails that opened loads of windows and caused the PC to lock up - no really that is what happened - heh!
2. Recommend a movie (new or old) for us to watch. Jack and Sarah - see last night's blogs.
3. When was the last time someone told you that you were attractive (and you actually believed them)? Friends being kind recently (what friends do for you eh!) tho I find it hard to believe.
4. Do you like to sleep in or wake up with the chickens? Both at different times. Tho' on my own I'll tend to get up when I wake up rather than roll-over and go back to sleep!!
5. Are you gay, straight or bi? Straight really, anything else is not something I'd particualrly choose to pursue, although that said I'm kinda of never say never sometimes so who knows, tho' suspect there may have to be a lot of drink and maybe still a woman involved. I have been attractedto two different menat times in my life, both were hugely charismatic and gay and were not 'offering' anything and I did not want to explore.
6. What will be the next computer-related purchase you will make? A printer as i don't yet have one..
7. I soak up affection like a sponge. But in my current relationship, sadly, I am the giver. The only hugs I get are the ones I initiate (and those become fewer and fewer). I tell you, I would be putty in your hands if you were to be affectionate to me. What is your role when you are in relationships? A giver, a taker, or is it an equal balance? At times I have been almost a total giver but that was not necessarily a good thing, I think a balance is obviously best and I am much more aware of what I may 'need' at times, tho' I'd still try to shade my partner on the giving stakes....kinda fun to see who wins ;-)
BONUS: Would I lie to you? No, I may apply tact, discretion or even avoid the subject if necessary but I would never lie.
I taste like Bread.
I am Vanilla Flavoured.
