This made me laugh when I needed it - thank you Su(zi)e :))
posted by Listener at 11:00 PM
How! can you not be moved by music------ I men how can it not make you extreme on emotion? sorry but it does me!
posted by Listener at 10:56 PM
For what seems like ages I spent this evening surfing my regular reads - I've been so busy and I REALLY missed properly saying hi and reading y'all - there's some other stuff that can wait - and some new sites who've said hi recently, but for now - my read list - and here's why:
Ariel, I love you to bits anyway and you're the one site I will visit every day, thanks for being there :)) Su(zi)e my first found 'net love [;-)] thanks for such honest and cool links, for all the advice - and for a page load to aspire to ;-) Cupid Girl not been around much, but I love to live life (mostly) and she really does epitimize that :) SnarkyWench - when you gonna be back girl - I miss your style soooo much! Smeg is a blog of a normal life - all the trials and tribulations, the highs, lows and norms and the fun - d'you know what I mean? Pegasong Another one I found, she went away and came back - me's so happy :) Lorien a lesson (to me) in how to keep serious things in perspective and yet still treasure the most important things - *hugs'n'happy'hols* Cyndi another real life blog I love to breathe every minute of. CynthiaSpeaks different lives similarly led I feel, and such top photos of late....no really top photos! Amethyst85 I enjoy Karen's view on life - I love her writing and her commitment to daily 'cliques' because I learn a little more of her every day :)) Chris if I had a soul-brother, Chris would be the man! Odin K, he thinks U2 are God's on earth - and his words, his power to describe are so evocative! Kacroon she has a van and Rattie who was sick - this is just the surface *smiles fondly* :)) Gina another day by day blog - stories I relate to so much :) Tiara a very special lady, 'net addict and 'net giver extrodinaire :) Mamselle she writes like a poet....sometimes her words are minimal yet evocative! Rattie life on campus holding onto your beliefs - for a real view :) John words fail me, a courageous and honest man! Princess Erin The Mighty ROFL regularly - and I donated oral sex too - thanks girl ;-) Gert more keeping it real - and a sports fan to boot! Floyd rocks! a RAWK GOD! We're gonna make music together we really are! Monkey supports Eczema - there's far more but when I was young I suffered and Bryony did even more so - and that's worth a shout!!! Roo darling Roo - I Princess - hugs honey - connected tho never met :))
Thanks everyone - you make me want to be a better man!
posted by Listener at 10:45 PM
The Dark Side
I wrap you in black And shatter your heart Teach you to love it Your sorrow’s my art
This is what I wanted I have achieved fame Another tear shed In the sake of my name
I will lure you in Show you who to be And then snatch it back Your chance to be free
I want to stop this To get off this ride But I’ll still hurt you I can’t stop the tide
Yet I do desire I yearn and I crave I just make you suffer For mistakes I have made
I feel quite rested - I had really bad stomach cramp last night - I think it was just sitting down and unwinding after a busy and pressured week at awork and hectic weekend - slept like a log tho - maybe I should start going to bed a little earlier - I feel not quite so tired as a result :))
posted by Listener at 7:20 AM
Sunday, September 29, 2002
Its Written In The Stars - Paul Weller's new song - its ace - I'm sure its a love song but, and this must reflect my mood at the moment, I find it reminds me of my close freindships and how important they are to me and how they sustain me, make me feel sane :)
posted by Listener at 9:16 PM
Fuuny old weekend what with work and everything - just dropped girls back but have been in work most of today......just got in and my PC is playing tricks with me - but its ok now I think - 'cept I can't see my website :((
Gonna surf and chill and not think too much hopefully :)
These five words in my head sing "are you having fun yet?"
Well kinda, works busy, I want to go home but yeah its ok, jsut really wanted to say thanks again for all the birthday wishes (there've been some additonal via comments).
How cool! Thank you everyone that signed this that's so lovely and has put a huge smile on my face this morning when I got into work. Oh and Connie - I didn't see the email last night as I was out but I wouldn't have cheated ;-) xxx
I also got ecards from Tiara and Ariel thanks honies and Ariel - hopefully it won't be long till we can do the meal on offer - in my inbox this morning and the lovely Su(zi)e has sent me something in the post - can't wait!!! :)) xxxx
Last night was nice - it really was - I was very sleepy and just chilled and fell asleep wuite early - sorry to D. for being crap compnay but it was still nice to be with you :))
My plans for weekend are to get to Mum and Dad's about 7ish and see them and the girls - we're doing the London Eye and a picnic tomorrow (my Christmas present to my parents I get to give them at last - lol) and sunday I have to work - I'll probably not be on-line much so have the bestest weekend folks and thanks again - I am very very smiley :)))))))))))))))))) xxx
posted by Listener at 8:25 AM
Thursday, September 26, 2002
*memo to self - I'm Fine*
What a miserable bastard - I must be getting old - lol :))
Or just tired - I've had a coffee break now and thought I was being distinctly down beat in last post - in fact I almost deleted it but it now serves as a reminder to smile and be happy and be thankful. After all......
Happiness is a way to travel not a destination :))
I am gonna go out, in fact I'm gonna leve wok now and have a few beers for tomorrow I am older!
I feel drained! Can't wait for Monday because at least work will ease off a bit - looks like I'll be late down to pick girls up tomorrow and wll have to work Sunday - so much for a chilled birthday weekend !!!!
With being so busy its kind of crept up on me - I've 'not celebrated' enough birthdays for it not to particularly bother me although I have celebrated enough birthday's to know its great to so I'm kinda just resigned to whatever happens happens - lol :)
tbh I just want to go home and be alone but I am going out later on tonight - I don't feel like company but some company you just can't avoid becuaseits maybe unfair or rude to avoid it. lol I'm being my put others first thang - maybe I should just do what I want, at least not what i want but what I'd prefer just at the moment - trouble is not everyone always understands. When does it become selfish? When does it become always on my terms? is that right?
Does any of that make any sense? (Oh and that's not really directed at anyone in particular - it is in fact a general comment and more about me than anyone else).
I cried just now Tears wept for you And everything I put you through
We dare to loose But still we say Is it worth this The price we pay?
Can we move on With untouched heart? When we break down And fall apart
No answers here Just a way to be A choice of grief Or being free
posted by Listener at 12:17 AM
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
Even later and even more tired now than yesterday - so's I don't go off on some melodramatic post I'm gonna chill with my glass of wine and surf a bit.
I feel ok really - last night was just stream of consciousness stuff, thinking 'out loud' :))
posted by Listener at 9:57 PM
Tuesday, September 24, 2002
Man I'm tired!! Got in around 9.30 - we have a project milestone on Monday so am quite busy :((
Kinda frustrated at work - I kinda get all the responsibility none of the empowerment - whilst I'm enjoying the challenge of the moment - there's crucial aspects to my role/position that leave me feeling unempowered and frustrated. I can be so much more and do so much more for the company but sometimes i feel the internal conflicts are too limiting.....hmmm nuff said for now methinks.
I'm in a strange place at the moment....not really where I want to be but not really sure exactly what to do about it....and this is general and wrapped up in the everyday that's going on around me.....my job, where I live and lack of movement on moving.....freetime....the girls...my parents....its funny really I still really do feel 20 in many many ways...yet I have responsibilities.....i wonder if I'm really facing up to them....by that I mean the girls are getting older, the relationship is changing, the need to lead by example, to guide, to equip them with the things needed for their next phase of life is stronger.....its not just about loving them, taking them to nice places, giving them a behavioral framework to be themselves in.....their ability to comprehend, express, observe...imitate.....complex emotions and things like lifestyle and social interaction is developing exponentially...I wonder if I'm up to it...............
And my parents, I only really see them when i have the girls.....they live a way away, not popping in distance and especially so as I'm so busy with work....is that relationship changing....should I be there more for them, not to do stuff like cut the lawn etc but......oh I don't know really, I love them and they me and we all know it and show it, if not explicitly, implicitly.....but at some points children start being there for their parents don't they? Again I wonder if I'm up to that.......................
And work, where's that going....what do I really want to do, how far do I want to commit to a professional career......should I take the next step up, from, I hope, a significant contributor to a leader, a player, I am partly by default of my attitude and personality.....but not in terms of role or position....at least I don't think so....so where do I go, and am I up for it?
And moving...well actually its more a whole money/moving/buying/security issue....hey I'm 35 (well almost) and my liquidity ratio is negative and my profit and loss account is so far in the red if I was a country I'd qualify for international aid - lol.....its a worry I guess, except I'm not so good at worrying about that sort of thing....but should I?
And relationships and friendships....no I'm not going to go there yet....thoughts and feelings just a little too much unresolved to vocalize things for now.
A Brand New Start....hey that's a laugh....I've had more of them in the past few years and they come along at ever decreasing intervals.......have I ever really grown up? Have I ever really been accountable? My heart rules my head and my heart's on my sleeve ....its easier that way.....less responsibility.......that way its less likely that my head will fight back!
Yet.....
I can count a thousand things That keep the tears at bay The smiles, the hugs, the sunny days The words I heard you say The sky, the grass, a new-found view The dawn of each new day Things to soothe a weary thought And take my breath away
Incandescent A shooting star In my night's sky I wanted to fly In the slipstream Of your mind What fancy is this? That I’m made light Born on wind Care-free, reckless Soaring higher I reach to you Enter your flightpath Like some head-crazed Icarus Delight then ignite But in freefall I Regret nothing
posted by Listener at 1:19 AM
Monday, September 23, 2002
Oh no! Ariel just suggested I change my resolution to 1024x768 (as I have a huge TFT screen) and I think it looks awful - me's horrified - thnx hun tho because I feel motivated to definately change it around!!!!!
posted by Listener at 11:27 PM
Does anyone know any good on-line sites for photo/art - I want to set some of my poems onto their own pages and maybe onto pictures??
posted by Listener at 9:40 PM
Spoke to the girls tonight - poor Bryony - she got into trouble again - trying to stop Katherine and her half brother 'being naughty' she some how managed to ger herself told off, lost her temper and told her mum she was 'a lousy mother'!!
Not the best of moves really.
Anyhow seems A's had her limit to has removed all privalages for a week, stopped her treat for doing her hoemwork so well, stopped her going on a family weekend away (she will now stay with her Grnadma's who'll make sure she get's no treats) and has also been l'd she's not allowed a birthday party.
Oh my child my heart does ache for you :((
We had a long chat about it, bryony felt very hard done by and that the punishment didn't fit the crime so I talked to her, I said that she should think about hwat she's feeling, how upset she is, how embarrassed she'll be in front of her firends, how hurt she feels....and to think about everyone else, A, her step dad, me (!) and especially Katherine....and that each time she looses her temper or treats Kate selfishly...she should remember that they then feel like she is now, and that Bryony has caused that, and that she should think that even if the punishment seems harsh things must be pretty serious for it to be given. She knows she's out of order sometimes, she knows she doesn't like being like it....I'm not sure if this will help her to realise when she's crossing the line and to stop her before she goes too far. But we had a good talk about it, a mature talk about it I thought, i suggested she should try to explain to A once things have calmed down that she understands why she is in trouble and will try very hard to stop it happening again and to ask for help with that (as in ask A to recognise she is trying). I'm not sure if she will.....
I didn't have the heart to tell her I had to work late Friday and prolly Sunday too :(((
But what I didn't say was that I agree with most of the punishment....but not the birthday party......no matter what that doesn't seem fair....and where do you go from htere...ban Xmas too?......I hope it doesn't work out like that!
K I'm going home now!!!!
posted by Listener at 8:30 PM
I had a good weekend - D and I went shoe shopping on Saturday and i got a couple of pairs - oe for work one for play. We went to see The Guru on Saturday night which was very funny and hugely entertaining and had a real 'I'm not going to take myself too seriously' ending which was entirely appropriate :))
yesterday i did my tax return and went to a christening - an old Uni mate's daughter and caught up with some of his friends who I haven't seen for a while and are a good laugh :)) Got some good advice form one and a potential career change from another....watch this space.
In evening sat and chilled (whole new conotation since Friday's post lol) and watched Face Off whih I just loved - Nic Cage and John Travolta can be so darned cool when they want to be - loved it :))
This week promises to be very busy at work................
posted by Listener at 9:53 AM
Saturday, September 21, 2002
The lovely D. decided this should be my birthday weekend as I ahve the girls next week. so I got my presents early, I got two presents one....the complete set of Paul Weller CD's - which as I only had Modern Classics - The Greatest Hits is totally awesome. I don't think I have any artists complete back catalogue so to get them all in one go was just way cool :))))
For the record (forgive the pun!) they are:
And his new album :
Which as well as being totally kicking also has the coolest cover ever - it's a card cover that opens up to 3 CDs widths with the main CD, a DVD and the words/credits booklets in the middle - all sealed up with a magnetic catch :))
We then had dinner and got stoned with the second half of my present :))
Thnx hun it was ace ;-)) xxx
posted by Listener at 1:53 PM
Friday, September 20, 2002
Does this make me famous? ROFL :)
posted by Listener at 3:52 PM
Thursday, September 19, 2002
Here is the News!
At work today Listener's had a loss snatched from the jaws of victory by people who should remain nameless (well it is work!) -what should have been a good productive day paving the way for some significant achievements has just been fucked up by mismanagement and crap internal communications - and I'm not talking about my company! Its 9.30pm I'm tired and I missed a leaving do to sort this out - Grrrrrrr
In other news I gave the lady next to me at the car park pay machines 20p today as she was short of change - she tried to give me the 12p she did have but I told her it was my pleasure to help and that she should pay it forward - I got a nice smile which made e feel good :))
Sport now - I reckon I can make last orders at that leaving do - :))))
posted by Listener at 9:41 PM
I found a really cool poetry site, Voices Net which also has a really good Forum which I've started posting on :)
posted by Listener at 12:50 AM
Work in Progress.......
I feel your pain And hear your sighs Tears cried for you Behind my eyes
I know you dream In black and white I’d paint your dreams And make them light
I want to speak Words that will heal Make clear to you Just what you feel
I hear your cry Calling to me Static silence Screams to be free
I got in late tonight - 9.30 - maybe I'm over doing the 'show a bit of commitment to work' thing I'm on - see truth is I don't want to have to work late on my birthday so I'm trying to get some moral credits - though knowing my luck there'll be an emergency meeting that night and I'll be there forever - lol.
So I got in late and just surfed around and chatted tonight.
I feel in a strange mood/place at the moment, finding it quite hard to be upbeat which is unlike me - I pretty much know what's causing this I'm concerned about some people and its mostly not really in my control. I can't realy post details here, don't want to...but I want to record that I was thinking about them here and now.
Concerned for Anj - not heard much - she's not bothering me with it and I wish she would - I know what she's going thru :)) xx
Concerned for my girls - they're growing up, life's coming at them hard and fast and I just want to be there while they grow and learn :)) xx
For my mum :)) xx
For S. because of big changes...but new adventures :)) xx
And especially for D. my paradox :)) xx
I feel close to tears a lot at the moment, I don't actually cry - and I would if I could - but my eyes sting a little - I feel their pain right behind my eyes, in the pit of my stomach and in the dull ache pounding in my heart.
The lovely Lorien is off on holiday today - safe and happy trip honey!
Rhetorical Questions
If you saw someone sleepwalking and approaching the edge of a cliff, what would you do? Wake them? Try and steer them away?.......How do you do the right thing?
If you saw someone so blinded by misplaced beliefs that they are making the wrong choices, taking a path that will hurt them, badly, what would you do? Say something? Try to help them see the reality? Just be there to sort out the fallout?.....How do you do the right thing?
If you saw someone sinking to the depths of despair, someone slowly self-destructing, someone who seems so out of reach, what would you do? How do you get through to them? How do you help without making the situation worse?.....How do you do the right thing?
If you are in a situation that you just don't know how to deal with, how do you do the right thing?
posted by Listener at 12:19 PM
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
Indulge me!
SO I've been mulling over a few things the last few weeks....I was going to post before I went on holiday but ran out of time....kinda glad I didn't....it feels more appropriate now!
I'm 35 next week......35!....where did it go? I actually don't worry about age at all....in many ways I still feel a teenager.....I am a professional engineer, a father, a son (this is important I am close to my family now - I couldn't say that 5 years ago), I've been loved and have loved, I've reached pinnacles of happiness and the bottom of despair through relationships.....I've travelled, no not just travelled, I've immersed myself in cultures...as much as has been possible....I've formed friendships, some that have been more important than relationships....and I've seen/let people slip out of my life who I'd thought would be there for ever.....I've had simply the best times at time, I really have....I've freefalled at 10 000 feet, I've had parties, evenings out where it all kicked off so well I thought it'd be impossible to enjoy myself so much ever again.......I've found creativity in my life at last....and I've found peace with myself.....some kind of understanding about who I am.
And why is that last part so important? Many people pas thru life happy, uncomplicated, accepting....they live their life, question little and have all that anyone could or should have....to clarify this is an entirely positive observation...meant in no way as belittling or even as wrong in some way....nor is it generalistic.......I just mean in my context....I could have had a straight forward life, I had a good job, a wife and family, nice house........life was good really.....we could have gone conventionally on from there...made a home, raised the children.....enjoyed ourselves along the way....it could have all been so normal (ooh god! there again I think that sounds odd, patronizing, derogatory....in no way is it meant to be...maybe I should get to my point!)
K, so my point is....round the time I got divorced there was lots of stuff going down, lots of why the relationship wasn't working, why you did this and I did that, more of the you're to blame-no you are, end-of-the relationship-stuff........I felt A caused some problems, she felt I was totally to blame (maybe I should say TOTALLY just to emphasize that)....truth is she/we/I =never had a chance.....something in me was stirring....I was starting to learn, to question, to explore, to grow......this person I was, whom I'd never really questioned....I just wanted something else....I wanted to know who I was.
So that's it.....we split because I lost my identity....to maybe I had never found it.....my childhood...I spent the first few pre-school years happy - and then other people got involved - I had to interact, I was a loner really, yeah I had some friends in school but not out of it, I embarrassed easily, I was shy, I started many things and finished them either badly or never...even then I was looking, tho I didn't realize it, looking for an identity, looking to know who I was, as a teenager I was geeky, spotty, a nobody....I would do things to put myself out there but didn't know why...nothing cool, nothing artistic, nothing.....nothing memorable...stuff like school prefect, university school rep, college student union president (at a college where the only advantage of being in the union was it had a room where you could smoke inside!!)....stuff that for a quiet, sensible boy wasn't hard to do or be....and I am glad I did those things.but they happened to me, I didn't choose (man I wanted to be the cool one in the corner playing in a band - I so did, and so couldn't)....in my twenties I sold out to conformance in even bigger style.....I held onto a relationship that wasn't working because I didn't even consider that as an option, I got married because she wanted to, she thought it would solve her problems, and I had unprotected sex to prove I was 'committed to her' (no really that's why!) and so had a family.....and then it fell apart!
No actually it didn't fall apart....I got a job that allowed me to grow, I loved that job, it was fresh and exciting and I was challenged and given responsibility and I grew, I changed from someone who did this:
"15 years old, drama class, teacher says....walk around the room and then introduce yourself to someone....so I did I shook someone's hand and patted them on he back....teach asks me why I did that?.....and I thought I was being told off...I as so embarrassed that I thought I'd actually done the task wrong....in a drama class for god's sake!"
To someone who was 27 and who walked into a meeting with 30 minutes notice and no briefing and explained to 4 middle aged engineers exactly why they weren't performing to the contract so well that the customer commented to my boss how important an addition I was to the team....
And it had a profound affect on me as a person.
And that's the paradox....I started to see myself differently yet not recognise the person people saw.....and I started to explore that, to wonder what, who I really was......yet I couldn't answer that within my relationship and so it fell apart....it never had a chance really and I'm sorry for that....I just couldn't find me, be me, explore me in that context....and it was such a hugely compelling need that we eventually split up...yes there were issues and problems, and those at the time were the dominant reasons, but now.....I think I just suddenly woke up one morning and started a chain of events that I led me here....
....and though I hurt her, and left a profound mark on my girl's lives....I know it was right, I know I am a better person, a better father, son, friend,.....person....than I would be if I'd stayed....that's not a justification...its just a fact....and its not about the parties, the good times (for a long time there were very few).....its about.......things like exploring, reaching out, questioning, understanding......I'm not saying it very well.....
....its an out of context quote...but I want to be a better man.....I love the fact that I hear some song or other and it reaches into my stomach and churns it up....that I read a book and cry or laugh.....that I do whatever feels natural to me and who cares what it looks or feel like to anyone else because I'm learning, experiencing, feeling....I may not have the most comfortable, easy, straightforward, uncomplicated life in the world....but I feel it....every single moment I feel it.
And to me that's my legacy, my epitaph....my headstone, Neil....he felt it! and when I talk to the girls, when I do the parental voice of wisdom...I just try to give a balanced view...no rights or wrongs.....no should have's or could have's......just I feel it, and learn, and explore and experience.
And I kind of thought I was a little mad for a while....thought I was a bit weird for thinking like this and then I met two people, the first, Anj, six years ago with whom I share every joy and heartache and pleasure and thought, who doesn't thinking like me but who knows why I think it and accepts it, and S, dearest S, who mirrors me and makes me feel that what I think and feel I entirely appropriate because it works that way for her too. These are rare friendships....they surpass love if that's possible....they are intrinsic to me, they are part of me..........
So my point - lol - fuck it I'm not sure I know anymore.....I just got thoughtful as my half-life approaches and wanted to contemplate something and remind myself how fucking lucky I am.
And a final important thing.....about six months ago I found something called a blog.....and it felt like at last I had a way of focussing all my thoughts and feelings and....stuff.....and through that my poetry.....I don't need to blog, I don't have to blog....but I want to more than anything else, and poetry....well as the wise Bill Shankley once said about something entirely different.....its not a matter of life or death, its way more important than that.....and I'm not even that good at it!!!!
posted by Listener at 11:39 PM
Still at work :(( lol - actually its important so I don't mind - should be home soon....ish!
Today has been good tho :))
posted by Listener at 8:30 PM
I am going to have a good day today - just because....and later I feel a post coming on about some stuff I want to say for quite a while now (what suspense eh! lol) and do some surfing and linking to a few sites I've been meaning to visit of late :))
I'm really pissed off that I cannot see my template - the lovely Ariel tried to help and thinks its a blogger problem - I hope so (and don't mind because BloggerPro has really been ace) and that I get it back soon.
posted by Listener at 10:40 PM
Sunday, September 15, 2002
My Box Of Memories
I took down my box of things from the shelf Where it lays most of the time, untouched I sort through the things, paper and trinkets Placed into the box almost by chance To serve as reminders to me As years fly by, of the years gone by Most of the things are what you’d expect Cards and letters, given and received Leaflets and tickets of places visited On sunny summer daytrips Or happy escapes from rainy days And other more surprising things (some who’s real meaning is only known to me) There’s the only tooth shed in my presence By either daughter, and a lock of hair From the youngest, taken tenderly To replace the lack of photos I once had Small models made in plaster of paris and painted With all the realism of a five year old eye A plain gold band, which was the first thing To go in my box and through which I fancy, All the rest has magically appeared A receipt for a meal that being all of Five years old represents my second date An air-ticket, possibly most treasured of all That took me away from such dreams That I never wanted to wake up As I sort through I touch each one briefly Some for longer than others and I Consider the commitment shown to this cause Beach-combing the flotsam and jetsam Of a life led changing and searching For something I know not what any more But still I have to save a happy day Or a moment of loss In my box
Strange weekend - not doing much really, today we mostly chilled, struggled to get Bryony to do her homework (bless her) and Katherine wanted to play outside with the boys so we stayed home and she did that and had a great time.
When I dropped them off I got invited in for a coffee (first time ever as it happens!) and A and I talked about Bryony - Bryony has many wonderful points (and we did talk about those as well) but does lose her temper very quickly, is selfish (almost bullyish at times with Katherine) and, well, is just difficult - A feels she's troubled, that she has issues, with Katherine and undoubtedly from the divorce - I think she's right to a point but can take a step back as I don't have to deal with day in day out - it does appear that A has reached the end of her tether and is considering counseling of some kind - whilst we neither of us want to resort to that option we kind of agreed it may be an idea (Bryony is actually quite respectful and mature with other adults and talks easily to them - teachers, other parents etc). I think Bryony will grow into her personality, will eventually work out how it all works for her, that is a long hard road (I know) and I do feel at present she is taking the hard way of dealing with it, rather than being subdued she fights and rails against the world - I think a chance to talk about it, if handled correctly and kept in perspective might be good.
This is a very bland, unemotive and factual paragraph describing quite a whirlwind of emotions its making me feel.
posted by Listener at 8:42 PM
Saturday, September 14, 2002
I went to get my hair cut on Thursday and D. came with me, it was gone 8 when we left the hairdressers so we decided to eat on the way home. This meant I could take D. to my fave pub ever, The Cricketer's, Godalming. When I lived in Godalming It was my local and Angie and I spent many a happy evening righting the worlds wrongs there - it had a great atmosphere, nice beer and wonderful food. The bar staff were invariably Australian or New Zealander's over on 'holiday' and trying to save for the next leg of their trip - it was just fun.
So imagine my disappointment when we walked in, firstly I noticed it had been decorated and some new blinds had been put up, the tables were different , for a Thursday it was very quiet, the menu had changed and was nowhere near as good as before. Basically it sucked and I felt quite despondent sat there in my favorite pub which no longer was - this is always the problem with going back -generally I never go back - in relationships, in holidays, in many aspects of my life, experience has shown me you can't repeat a wonderful time just by redoing it - there will always be some difference and its better to have the memories.
I hadn't realised until Thursday that this could apply to pubs but it did :((
Today was OK - watched Harry Potter on DVD this morning and then went shopping and swimming at Woking.
posted by Listener at 9:59 PM
A Moment Of Honesty
Things aren’t what they seem to be You, see in me what you strive for And I, in you a false dawn I no longer notice
This playing field is not level You are running up hill And I make it easy for you So you never notice
An illusion of equality exists But I know what my reality is And reveal so little to you that You do not even notice
Moments turn on thoughts like this Light shimmers in sun’s heat Reality shifts, and we face a truth We cannot help but notice
HELP! When I look at my template in blogger its completely blank - its obviously there because this is but the window is blan what does this mean - it happened a week or so back but I'm not sure if I have edited it since - has anyone else had this problem?
Me's tired and I'm gonna chill in front of TV with some wine - have a great weekend y'al :))
posted by Listener at 10:50 PM
Phew - its late - just got in - Katherine had a friends birthday party which finished at 9! she was doing donut ski-ing - it looks ace I might arrange it for my birthday :))
Gotta get Bryony to bed catch up more alter :))
posted by Listener at 10:00 PM
Thursday, September 12, 2002
“You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Mahatma Ghandi
posted by Listener at 10:38 AM
Words Just Don’t Say It
I want to take it all in Too many names But yet I Know them
And too many tears to weep The pain hurts me But I just Let it
Too many feelings inside Can’t sort them out But I still Feel them
It’s too much pain felt anew If it breaks me I will still Let it
Too many thoughts in my head They go round, but Don’t want to Stop them
And too much to say right now And words, they just Don’t seem to Say it
I found today very difficult to concentrate - I had a lot of meetings today but they didn't seem very important really.
I wasn't going to but I watched TV tonight - a documentary about the firefighters - two brothers had been filming for a documentary that day - there was footage as the first plane hit, inside the building, as they came down - its over whelming - it was a story about human tragedy, bravery, fear, disbelief, love....so many emotions.....it wasn't political, religious, racial....it wasn't about any divide or separation real or imaginary, rationalized or bigoted....it was just about people, suffering....too much pain, too much suffering.....I truly hope those that died have found some peace and those that survived find a way, some strength to go on.
And it wasn't just about New York, Pennsylvania nor Washington ..... nor even America....this was a world tragedy...as tragic as any earthquake, famine or flood....differentiated only by the fact it was inflicted by evil...whatever motive may be preached surely this is just evil?...They say the world changed that day....of course it did......and have we learnt? I hope so, some recent actions may belie that as truth but I do hope so.....but I'm not sure if I'm crying right now for those events that passed or for the thought of what the future may hold.
On a personal level I've found this build up quite disturbing, its reflected some sadness for some things in my life that are sad too.....my personal tragedies whilst on a lesser scale....hugs and love to those near and so dear to me that need it right now, I'm thinking of you and am there for you....if nothing else (and there is so much more) 911 can show us a way to be to remember that life can be tragically short and that we should take our moments to show love, consideration, forgiveness....positive emotions, 'better way' emotions maybe?
I'm not being selective, so many sites I visited said a lot of memorable things, but Chris suggested:
It is my hope that the legacy of 9/11 is that it becomes the day we do the things, say the words and face the realities in our lives that we too easily put off for some future date that may never come.
It just feels to me that that is as good and as positvie a thing as anyone could wish for?
posted by Listener at 12:06 AM
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
This time last year I walked through the canteen where I was working and saw a group by the TV in the corner....as I walked over I had no idea...then figured it was a fire....and then an 'accidental' plane crash.....and then they said two planes....and it just dawned on everyone...that it was deliberate...as the news unfolded it became less real....more difficult to assimilate the information...to comprehend....one year on the facts may have been digested, understood, acknowledged....but in many ways it still seems harder to....believe?
I was glad I had someone to be close to and to hold that day....not for the first time, but on many other, new levels, I realised how lucky I really am.
I'm going to observe a days silence for the rest of today - my thoughts are "out there" - words.....just don't seem enough - but I wrote this once for Lorien - I know she won't mind me sharing it again - with everyone.
A Silly Game?
Is it really such a silly game To live in peace and free of fear And how many want the very same? Yet still have to shed a tear?
I think that speaking generally The spoiling few can disapear So we can live a life that's free With our loved ones now and here
Tho' the guns they rock and roll And tear our lives from here to there We could still simply take a stroll And know that love has more to share
Its the lovely Tiara's birthday today (her time) :))
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday Tiara Happy birthday to you! :))
posted by Listener at 11:49 PM
I had dinner with the lovely Vi tonight - I would say thnx honey but she confessed to not checking my site that foten ;-) lol - if you do pop by later - we're not friends to get my readership up so its not an issue - and thanks for dinner :)) xx
posted by Listener at 11:21 PM
The sun is shining and I drove in to work listening to my latest compilation CD I burnt last night featuring amongst others Colour Blind - Darius (I can't help liking it!!), Ever Fallen In Love - The Buzzcocks, I she Realy Going Out With Him - Goldmember and Romeo & Juliet - Dire Straits *smiles broadly*
Blew my nagging feeling away and made me happy :))
posted by Listener at 8:37 AM
K, too tired to write but....ddi you ever hear Train - Drops of Jupiter (and I know someone did!!!!) well listen!....me? I like....
She acts like summer and walks like rain Reminds me that there's time to change
and.....
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
It was the lovely Lorien's birthday on Saturday and I missed it!!! Happy belated birthday hugs girl - and she's off to Israel soon - have a great time but I'll miss you soooo much - and no worries about the poem - all in good time :))
posted by Listener at 1:07 PM
Sunday, September 08, 2002
So I've been having a cool weekend - went round to D.'s last night and we chilled and chatted and just had a lovely evening. This morning she ran to the shops for breakfast while I lay in bed. Me's not generally comfortable with letting myself being spoilt (I'm way too selfish on my own accord to feel I deserve being spoilt) but it was lovely :))
We then wandered over to the Tate Modern for an hour or two. I had been before so kinda knew what I wanted to revisit, D. looked around with interest and then we discussed the relative merits of some modern art (eg a glass of water on a shelf claimed by the artist to have been transformed into an oak tree) over coffee. We went home via the Millennium Bridge which is quite stunning in my book and went to a new restaurant in Leatherhead for dinner.
I had a really lovely weekend :))
I've also had three lovely emails, from Niki who I met on holiday, from :Riven at Her divided Mind about poetry with some really cool ideas - I'm gonna link her properly tomorrow, and someone who surfed by just looking for Brand New Start lyrics - I love the 'net :))
K so D. a sofa and a glass of wine beckon :o))
posted by Listener at 9:48 PM
Saturday, September 07, 2002
hmmmm - was trying to say something there but it didn't come out right - something in the back of my head - nagging me - can't quite put my finger on it tho!! I'm off out see ya :))
Oh yeah and a bed-time fairy tale - The Princess and The Faery
Once upon a time there were two firends, as close as friends can be, like sisters, they were both princesses and had many adventures together on their magical island, they often teased all the prince's and would go off in disguise to the taverns in the town even tho, as princesses they were being a little bit naughty!! But sadly they got seperated a few years later and trod different paths - one kinda forgot she was a princess for a while - but she did turn into a beautiful faery and one day she used a magical net to cast a spell to find her friend; and it worked!! They both met again after many years and they had a wonderful time catching up on the lost years and promised to have as many more adventure in the future as they did when they were young and the whole story has a very a happy ending :))
posted by Listener at 6:48 PM
Running Away
I ran to escape Memories of you, My shadows of pain, That would be left Behind, in my wake If I could just run A little faster
I ran through the night Moon-lit, sure of foot Eastwards, to the dawn Towards the new day When the sun’s rays Would warm my body And light my new path
I ran on until The quickening light Fell upon my shadows And like vampires Staying just too long For one last victim They were burnt away
I so enjoyed Her Divided Mind - not a blog but a collection of writing and poetry displaying, for me, rare talent :))
posted by Listener at 4:34 PM
Friday, September 06, 2002
YAY its Friday :))
Really looking forward to seeing Mike tonight should be a good catchup!!! tomorrow day is a 'go through my flat and sort it out' day (in preparation for me moving whcih seems at last to be going through - slowly) and then round at D.'s tomorrow - if weather permits (ie its not very nice) we're gonna do the Tate Modern on Sunday otherwise a leafy park somewhere maybe :))
Oh yeah and its lunchtime!
posted by Listener at 12:57 PM
Thursday, September 05, 2002
randomness:
A. isn't happy with the hours the girls kept whilst on holiday (typically bedtime was between 11.30 and 1!!!!) - in truth nor was I but the music stayed on until mid-night and we were all having such fun, and everyone else was up that it seemed the only thing to do. Anyhow she had a chat with Bryony about 'bed-times-whilst-on-holiday' - lol - Bryony kind of laughed it off tho and said she'd just tell her they went to bed at 8.30pm next year whatever!! I'm a bit annoyed really (a) she should talk to me not Bryony, and (b) its a bit of a downer after such a lovely holiday! Anyhow soddit - we have different ideas of holidays A typically rents a villa/appartment and often goes with various family member, I would rather take the girls away on my own but to a place where they can be entertained and meet other friends.
Been surfing my new poem links and then tidied my poems up a bit (in case I get visitor's lol).
Oh and this - please note whilst inspired by a phrase someone wrote - all sentiment remains the creation of the author ;-)
Tomorrow’s Day
Newflash! Tomorrow’s day Will be much better They said this on TV Do they mean the weather, Or just my state of mind?
Update! Tomorrow’s day Can’t be any worse So shall I sit here And wait for the day’s dawn To light my state of mind?
Headline! Tomorrow’s day Has arrived here early Outside it might rain But inside the sun shines Its just a state of mind!
Oh no! Here's a first (almost a year on I have just spent 20 minutes looking for my glasses - I only really need them to read/drive etc, I can see without them (in fact didn't wear them on hols at all - too hot they kept sliding off my nose!) but for prolly the first real time I couldn't find them when I wanted them and it took ages to find them - guess where they were? oh yeah on the desk in front of me sort right behind keyboard so not obvious from where I was sitting so I went off to search - lol :))
posted by Listener at 8:24 PM
I have been off work sick today :( I awoke at 3am and was sick for a couple of hours - I feel fine now after not eating all day I have just had a slice of toast and feel alright :))
After sleeping most of the morning and doing some work this afternoon (I felt guilty!) I decided to do some surfing for poetry websites.
The lovely Tiara has set-up the Poetic WebRing and from there I found Piece Of my Heart which not only has some wonderful poetry but sets them on pages with beautiful graphics and quotes - I have been thinking about setting my poems better and this site gave me some inspiration :))
Via there I found a number of webrings/list sites which I signed up for Stardust Poetry Search and Poetry.net are both poetry sites, Top Literary Website is a listing for both writers and poets on the web and SiteVotes.com is a listing site for just about any category you'd care to think about (I used the poetry one of course).
They represent a new concept for me on the web - they are free to join but rely on you linking there from your site and linking out again - the number of links giving you a ranking! Cool idea and I am hugely looking forward to perusing the many, many sites that can be found there :)) I'm going to link their images on my poetry pages too.
I also found The Writer's Forum which looks a really good source of reference material, guidance and yet more poetry links - I can also sign up easily and post my poems on there if I wish which I may get around to soon I think......
....Y'see one of the things I decided on whilst on hols is that I want to pursue my poetry further....rather than just posting on my site...I'd like to see if I can develop it further, learn new ideas and techniques, experience other poetry and, if I'm honest, see how mine stands up!!!!!! Lots of people leave kind comments of praise often here (thank you) and whilst I know not every one, or even a lot of them, really work or are any good or maybe need tweaking, some I am hugely proud of and I have also noticed a style, my style, developing of late....maybe even a better understanding of the structure and technique of poetry developing. I list in my 100 things that poetry is the only thing I have felt truly creative about....I guess I just want to push that a bit further.....me's a bit scared tho - lol!!!!
posted by Listener at 6:09 PM
LOL - nn people :))
posted by Listener at 12:46 AM
Oh yeah - I just have to post these photos here - remember when I said the girls won the local arts comp before I went on hols? anyhow these are the photos of them with there pictures - you can't really tell but they are collage rather than paintings - and looked so ace :)) /me's proud all over again :))
I tried really hard to write my post referred toe alrier....it was about jealousy - but the words, whilst ordered in my head - come out jumbled on the screen - so I'll save it once again for another day!
posted by Listener at 11:51 PM
Checkout Keanian Rhapsody on Gert's site - ROFL :)
posted by Listener at 10:43 PM
Phew I've been busy!
Firstly, because I'm hugely excited, check out my photos - apologies if its a little slow I didn't do the thumbnails correctly so I just reduced the full pictures for this page - will correct soon :)) Also can someone confirm they can see the Photos link on my top banner? I'm having cache problems again and can't see it yet but I know its there!!
Thnx to the lovely Ariel for the template, altthough she doesn't know I actually used her source code yet ;-) and everyone on her ace Forum who helped me: Ripsaw, Floyd and Commbdown :))
Secondly I also joined Tiara's cool Poetic WebRing - thnx hun am really looking forward to surfin' the other sites there :))
Finally, I also got a lovely email from soemone called Johnny Yuhas which I was really touched by:
Hello my name is Johnny Yuhas I stumbled across your web site while doing a search on google, I am glad I did! This is the coolest site, I came across it at just the right time as well. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and have been seeing a counselor to work through the issues surrounding it. Your site is really inspirational I admire your ability to put yourself right out there and share your likes, dislikes, good and bad qualities. Plus anyone who is a kareoke fan is cool in my book. I have to go work in my studio now, so have a great day and thanks.
How great to brighten someone's day - I'm gonna reply later :))
11*11=121 (of course) 111*111=12321......etc!!!!
posted by Listener at 5:13 PM
Apparently its impossible to lick your elbow!!!!
and.......interestingly:
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
I love number games (Pascal's triangle etc) I loved the way numbers and maths displayed such seemingly bizarre and odd characteristics - anyone know any good number games?
Oh yeah and apparently 75% of you just tried to lick your elbow - quick straw poll in the comments please (I did!!!!) :))))))))))))
posted by Listener at 5:10 PM
Quick quezzie - I'm getting the holiday photos back today and was gonna scan them in at work and post the tonight - what's the best size to scan them in at? Looking at others sites people seem to post thumbnails and then you click on them to link to the larger photo. I think I can manage this bit but sometimes when you link to the big photo its kinda larger than the screen - is there an optimum size to scan them at?? Thanks for nay help :))
posted by Listener at 12:30 PM
If it doesn't threaten your life, if it doesn't threaten your health, if it isn't going to end the world as we know it tomorrow, Then forget it and forgive. Life is hurtful enough just living it, without adding to it
U2 wrote a song (Last Night On Earth) along similar lines - more about giving up on material gain but I always felt the lyrics were a metaphor for just letting go of anything - a snippet:
She feels the ground is giving way But she thinks we're better off that way The more you take the less you feel The less you know the more you believe The more you have the more it takes today
You got to give it away
Well she don't care what it's worth She's living like it's the last night on earth
Oddly had a post on something along these lines I'd been mulling over before my hols.....maybe I'll write it tonight :))
posted by Listener at 11:56 AM
I am in such an ace mood - D. and I had a lovely drive in this morning in the sunshine with loud music to sing-a-long to.
Last night we were going to go to the cinema but I got held up at work and by the time we got home and ''stuff'' we'd missed it - so we chilled on the sofa with pizza and flicked TV channels until we found Strangers On A Train a totally excellent Hitchcock B&W movie which was clearly the basis of several films since. It was very 50's style acting, effects, culture etc and I even clocked Alfred's cameo appearance (man with double bass getting on train!!!) - we had a really chilled evening and it was ace and good to just relax in each others company - thanks hun I think we owed ourselves that :)) xx
posted by Listener at 9:08 AM
Tuesday, September 03, 2002
For a 'quiet' girl Ariel you sure can talk honey - it was as lovely as ever - all 2.5 hours of it (or round about :)) xx
I am full of stuff to say now......Ariel and I......we click.....I'm not sure I can easily find the words to explain how important our friendship is just now.......something like this.......
Talking What exactly did we say? Talking It doesn't matter anyway
Laughing At fears from which we ran Laughing And just because we can
Sharing Every thought and deed Sharing Every troubled need
Walking Through mazes that we made Walking Not wishing we had stayed
Thinking Are we really so mad? Thinking But that is not so bad!
posted by Listener at 12:38 AM
Monday, September 02, 2002
Look Before You Leap
I stand on the ledge, Body straight, arms wide I look straight ahead And feel calm inside
I release my breath And count up to five And into the air Thought empty, I dive
Suspended in time So fleetingly brief I'm held by the wind Released from grief
Then downwards I fall Arrow straight and true To welcoming earth And peace I once knew
At the end of my dive I start to have doubt Your name on my lips I want to yell out
And then it is clear What I want to be And another way I could have been free
posted by Listener at 8:09 PM
Life is a rollercoster ain't it? But if you're in profit at the end of the day then it can't be a bad thing - and as the I'm Fine Girl says being alive and being out in a beautiful world count on the plus side [heh - Ariel I normally link you there babe but at least this way [people know why :)) ]
So today's negatives:
1) Work was manic but the least of my worries. 2) A friend is hugely troubled and I am heaps worried for them - hugs honey :)) xxx 3) My mum got some hospital results and where not too good (not terribly bad I guess but we hoped for better).
But on the plus side I caught up with some lovely friends, Vi who's doing fine and my mate Mike whom I'll be sharing a beer or several with on Friday YAY and am soon off to chat with Ariel for a HUGE catchup :)) xx
Hmmm maybe somewhat trite to say the +'s really outweigh those -'s but its important to think positive :)
posted by Listener at 8:08 PM
How soon the holiday spirit evaporates - I haven't stopped today and am already snowed under and prolly staying late - :((
Still sun is shining, weather is weet yeah.....so I'm trying to smile :))
posted by Listener at 4:51 PM
Very quickly - I'll post the proper info as requested tonight but I wanted to post this up ASAP - check out Isabella's Bear Plea from Paul the Postie - a worthwhile internet cause :-)
posted by Listener at 7:15 AM
Sunday, September 01, 2002
So went to see Spy Kids 2 today - it wasn't as good as the first tho the girls enjoyed it.
Posted my holiday comments on the totally excellent Holiday Truths website - I waxed lyrical but tried to frame it within the context of what we wanted from the holiday. talking to various other people at the resort - most thought the same way as me so anyone reading this with kids between 5-14 who want a flexible resort that will keep them amused (and hence give you chill-out time) go for it.
I am really sad that the girls have to go back tomorrow - I am going to miss them so much :((
The lovely Ariel gave me this excellent U2 Blog link - thanks babe :)) xx
I removed my flooble chatterbox before hols to speed up site access - it hasn't really worked - I think its a mixture of the various links I have down the side bars of my site and 'loose' html programming - must look into this - any suggestions or comments on how quickly the site loads for you would be gratefully appreciated :))
I think I have got round most of my links - looking forward to resuming contact, finding more and doing stuff - in particular poems - I had lots of ideas on holiday but deliberately held off writing to let them bubble in my head for a while.
posted by Listener at 12:19 AM
Spirits of love
The souls of the sad
Dance out this tango
In a minor key
Da da da da daaaaah
Take my hand
My dear
My card is marked
With your name
Step as one
This last time
Our final dance
Perfect timing
As the music dies
We take our leave More Of My Poems
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