Spent evening surfing and writing poetry (can you tell - lol) and enjoying a forum 'chat' on Voices.net - I am going to start getting into some poetry contests/publications tc - erm......a fave....kind of embarrassed because don't want to sound self-grandising nor take up too much of anyone's time - but does anyone have any favourite poems- things they really liked (hope answers not NO - lol ;-) ) - I'd be really interested in how other people see/read my poetry - its always been kind of personal and never really worried how it comes across - I prefer some to others but if I'm going to push out a bit - I'd appreciate some ideas on direction :-)
posted by Listener at 11:32 PM
Home Videos
Hit stop, rewind Then try playback What does it lack? Record anew From this angle Overwrite, that’s it New scenes, fresh themes Cannot edit Record anew Lacking perfect New part, fresh start Same ending Playback Hold back Repeat
Sleep, take me Ease my fears Steal my tears Take the years
Sleep, take me Make this night New daylight Blindless sight
Sleep, take me Where I run Shadows shun I belong
Sleep, take me Somewhere new Not this view Without you
Sleep. take me From my past Make it fast Home at last
posted by Listener at 10:05 PM
Extremely Just Me
Set me alight, I know you try But I am burnt not tinder dry
At this moment I've got stuck And I am damaged, out of luck
I am empty, soul bereft I cannot give there's nothing left
I keep on finding ways and means To make it harder than it seems
It feels I'm moving nowhere fast Running forwards, to the past
So I am taking time alone Isolated, on my own
Now I'm learning, to be free So I can find just who to be
posted by Listener at 9:58 PM
Just got in - no witches, goblins or trolls prevented me from leaving work so went for a quick pint around 6.30ish :)
I found some really cool lyrics on the 'net today.....................
posted by Listener at 8:33 PM
I shouldn't have had that wine last night - feel a bit bleurgh! think its all the ruching aorund etc - I have a pain behind my eyes too - I am definately leaving by 6 tonight!!
Saw a double page article on The MAtrix Reloaded in the paper today - can't wait it looks awesome. Trying to find a "which matrix character are you" quiz now!!!
posted by Listener at 1:28 PM
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
Actually spent the evening talking to Ariel which was lovely to catch up and then discuss life the universe and........yeah pretty much everything - thanks babe :)) xxx
posted by Listener at 11:22 PM
lol - that was an early night - left at 8pm!! Still home now - man I'm tired - a warning on overwork today - there's a guy at work who is transferring from another part of the compnay - it was supposed to bea phased changeover but of course he's ended up virtually doing two jobs - I know he works till midnight most nights and works over weekends - and has been for the past three months - well I noticed today he has developed two (different) facial twitches - I'm going to say something tomorrow because they are quite bad and it must be down to stress and overwork - big breath - I get very nervous about saying personal things to people about themselves - but he needs to know, its only fair!!!
Just got in from pub quiz - we didn't win but we had a right laugh - there's six of us (Ian, Ed, Planet (Janet lol), Nats, Sian and me - that go and its a good crowd - we arranged a party at Ian's in a couple of weeks for his new lodger - the last two parties he had I didn't end till about 6am - in fact on one of them me and Sian decided to clear up and didn't sleep at all :)
And I got this question right (that no-one else knew).....where in the world would you find the Laxey Wheel? YAY I knew my travelling would come in useful!
Went to pub straight from work so left there at 8.30 - another late one - not trying to sound a hero just need to remind myself to take it easy once in a while - tomorrow......maybe!!
Went to gym this morning again - gonna take tomrorrow off and go again on Thursday - bit worried now I am getting back into it it will all fall apart when I start working in reading :-(
Flat seems to be moving along ok for end of November - finger's crossed!
Had a nice chat to D. today - more finger's crossed :-)
er.....yep, that's all for now......K me's tired nn :-)
K, me's spent the last hour just surfin' - I tried to leave some 'make you smile' messages out there - always a bit tricky offering hugs, advice, thoughts or well wished - one doesn't want to sound trite or presumptious - I hope I found the mark - I'm gonna crash (gym in morning!) :))
posted by Listener at 11:27 PM
She also had a new 'scarey' layout - a gfew people have done a Haloowe'en style layout - maybe I will do something to mine - or post something up to get into the sprirt............hmmmmmmm let me think........
What a (slightly) strange day of ups and downs. firstly went to the gym this morning (am on a health kick) which though it meant I was up at six, by the time I had done and showered and got into work I felt fresh and envigorated.
I was in work for 9 and left at 9.45 - in total I spent maybe 2 of these hours NOT in meetings! I may be working in the cutomer's offices for the next few weeks - which is an extra 20 miles on my journey and through a large busy town :( totally lost the plot with the customer today on a phone conference shouldn't go in to details and I'm a bit ashamed because i really did loose my temper but I was provoked too!!
And I felt very sad and bad for a lot of the day. I had been trying to help someone and had been giving them advice about a course of action they needed to take - this was very difficult for them to do but based on my advice, cajoling and assurances it would all be ok. Anyhow they took the plunge today and went for it and it looked for most of the day that it had 'backfired' and just about the worst possible result had happened. Its still not sorted yet but there was a bit of good news later in the day - and I at least feel optimistic but also hugely oncerned and a bit guilty that I wasn't there enough or as much as I should have been.
Anyhow am home and chilling now, had salad for tea (more health stuff) and also some lovely coffee by taylor's of Harrogate who have a website that doesn't work! But if you shop at Tesco's its Dark side of The Moon Espresso - yum :)
posted by Listener at 10:36 PM
Sunday, October 27, 2002
Seen this on loads of sites so thought I'd give it a go - ROFL at result!!!!!!!!!
The weather today was awesome - very very windy - dry and even sunny but very windy - I love that kind of day - if I hadn't had the girls I would have gone on top of a hill somewhere and cleared my mind :))
The girls did their homework this morning - which was a real sturggle and then went to a leisure pool this afternoon which was ace fun.
Now I'm just chilling.
posted by Listener at 9:08 PM
Saturday, October 26, 2002
So we went to see Lilo and Stitch today and it was pretty good - including one very good joke at the end that only the adults would get - I actually laughed so much the girls asked me to explain what was so funny :))
Clocks fall back tonight so I get an extra hour with the girls - two actually I've agreed with A to drop them back at 7 and not 6 every Sunday.
So I need to get something off my chest, need to work something out in my head and as I tend to use my blog to do it mostly here goes. I have three typical states of how I feel about myself.
There's the in control mode where I feel I understand who I am and what makes me tick, where I am going and what I want. I am normally single in this mode. I am normally in some fitness/health mode where I am doing exercise and eating sensibly. I am usually in a phase at work where my time and the pressures are manageable.
There is the moving on up (or down) mode, where I know there are things that are not perfect and not so good but I am addressing them, I am optimistic and upbeat despite limitations. I have a practical problem solving head on so I can see how and when to tackle things, I am mostly happy. I am usually single or just starting a relationship, work is less manageable but I see it as a challenge or only for a short time.
Then there is the beat myself up mode, the stick my head in the sand and pretend its all ok. Usually I am at the end of a relationship, or at the end of my tether with work, I feel I have very little time to myself as a result, I eat crappily and 'let' myself go and usually crank up my debt-o-meter a few more notches through lack of will power to address the issues.
See my natural state is easy, I like things to stay plain and simple, on a level I don't like to work too hard at 'life' - I mean I don't mind working hard at jobs, and I don't mind addressing issues etc in relationships/life in general.......but it should all be in an easy way........
I usually spend most time in condition 2, the least in condition 3 and I really should spend more time in condition 1. See the things is I get into condition three and quite quickly I see the need to pull my finger out and sort some stuff our, make some decisions and so on. I then hit condition 2 (in the on the way up mode) and start to feel pretty good and in control.....but I never stay in condition 2 (up mode) long enough to truly get to condition 1, see I believe condition 1 is self sustaining, if all conditions (or most) are in place to be happy you can deal with the things life sometimes throws at you. I never get there or stay there long enough though to make it work.
Maybe I am not actually there when I think I am.
this is what happened with D. - when I met D. I had got over someone whom I was in a relationship that was hugely important to me at the time - and had managed to turn it into a wonderful new friendship, work was 'under control' I was going to the gym a fair bit and I was about to buy a flat. I think in hindsight I entered into the relationship too quickly, at the time I thought I could keep it in perspective.....but feeling don't work like that.....
D. fell in love with me, and I.....well I never told D. I loved her, never said the words because they carry a weight of expectation, I have said them 4 times before, once to person I divorced, once to a person whose heart I truly broke in a bad way, once to someone whom didn't understand what she had (sorry sounds arrogant but I believe that to be true) and once to someone whom treated them exactly as they should be treated. Also I didn't trust myself to say them and didn't trust what would entail....I wasn' ready I guess.......and then other circumstances kicked in and I never got the chance to say them because I hit condition 2 (going down) - mum got ill, the troubles with bryony, money, the flat dragging on.....all this stuff just dragging me down, stopping me thinking, feeling.......I felt I was being selfish that I wasn't really giving myself to D. and that if amongst the time demands of my job and the girls....if I still wanted some me time too.....I thought that was unfair and demanding.....I never actually asked her what she thought I just acted.
There's actually one more thing thing which I cannot go into....but as much as I took a selfish and self-motivated decision to split up - I honestly believe I was almost equally self sacrificing - and like the best of such gestures I don't think those that matter will ever realise it!!
So maybe I'm rambling a bot and not making much sense......I guess the thing is I know D. is hurting and she is hurting because I never 'ever loved her or ever will' (she quotes me) and I think in some way it might be easier if I had or had at least said it.....and yet it really is much more complicated than that (for me) and I can't make her see it. Whatever I once met someone, shortly after I got divorced and we really got on well together and we said we loved each other and we talked of a future together.....but in the end I was in a mess after my divorce and I had no business promising such things, and as my feelings and circumstances changed we split and I know I hurt her real bad. At least I never promised D. something I couldn't offer - the funny things is I think if I had she'd find it easier to deal with than now when we're split up and I haven't.
I feel like Sir Stephen Redgrave after his 4th Olympics - he said 'if anyone ever sees me in a boat again they can willingly shoot me' - I don't plan to get into relationships at the moment - I'm too complicated, I hurt people and I really feel I am a better friend than lover (and until I think other wise I should remain just fiends shouldn't I?).
And another thing - I need to loose this gloomy self analysis kick I got going these days :-)) !!!!
posted by Listener at 10:22 PM
Oh so much to post and write about - but I am so tired - didn't get to the girls until 8, didn't get home till 10.30 - and them till bed till 11!!!!
My eyes are really tired.....gonna try an early night and will post tomorrow - and I'll visit and ctach up too - wait for me yeah?!!!!!!
posted by Listener at 12:03 AM
Thursday, October 24, 2002
"Have you ever stopped seeing things through your eyes and listened to what the other person isn't saying?"
One of my better lines I thought!!!!
posted by Listener at 11:00 PM
One Day
One day you'll walk through this world And realise exactly what you had in me You will see how brightly I was shining For the first time You brought spring to my life I was compelled to respond Then you took it all away And gave me back my winter
One day you will walk through this world And see the first flower of spring Please think of me then One last time
posted by Listener at 9:31 PM
Hmmmm want to know a good cure ffor a hangover? Work from 9am until 4am the next morning!!! I thought I'd finished spreadsheet stuff then realsised there was about 150 extra entries I needed to make!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It so needed to be doine so I stayed up till I finished it - and got into work for 7.30 - and home at 8pm! Too much!!!! Me's knackered soooooo bad gonna get something to eat and then see what's up.
Oh but the presentation went well so guess it was worth it :))
posted by Listener at 8:22 PM
Its 1 am - I cannot get any Excel charts or COUNTIF functions to work - I'm gonna be in BIG trouble tomorrow :((((
posted by Listener at 1:01 AM
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
I am NEVER drinking ever again!!!!!!
For the record (and i know its not clever but I need to remind myself HOW bad I was): 7 pints of beer, 3 brain haemorages (bailys, archers and something red) and 5 vodka shots! I was as sick as a very sick thing on way home - I made the car stop at least 4 times! But I was hot on the Karaoke - lol ;-))
I needed a release, stress of work and general 'unhappiness' of late made me go a bit too wild!! It was a good evening tho - and it was nice to see D having fun and us getting on well.
I have work to do tonight - loads of spreadhseet analysis of performance for a presentation tomorrow....sigh!!!!
posted by Listener at 4:49 PM
Monday, October 21, 2002
I kinda borrowed a phrase off someone's site - I hope they don't mind :)
I Hope
And when you hurtle down And night is all around I hope you miss the ground And fall until I’m there To catch you
And when you’re loosing it And you just can’t get a grip I hope you feet don’t slip Just slide until I’m there To hold you
And when you heart is bleak And your feeling weak I hope you wait to speak Or act until I’m there To help you
I don't really know where to begin - confused by emotions and feelings and thoughts - spent this evening just talking with Ariel about stuff - nothing much seriously after a while - just stuff - it cleared my thoughts and made me feel............normal..........decent.........reasonable - thnx hun :))
Somethings one can't blog about because they are more about someone else's thoughts and feelings rather than one's own....in the end......we do have choices....the hardest is often the scariest.....is often the most implausible .....the one that seems impossible....the one who's path you can't work out.....I remember leaving my wife, and my girls....it took two years maybe for a vague idea to become a possibility......to become a probability......to become an actuality.......I had no idea of what the future would actually be, maybe I still don't.....not really......but I still made the hard decision............and I had friends around and since......is it easier to stay the same or to choose change? I think the decision is the hardest part.....to choose uncertainty is very very difficult....but once embarked on that course, on any course.......the uncertainty becomes the normality......the vagueness of where one is going becomes....under one's control, at least partially.....as you approach uncertainty, willingly.....uncertainty becomes.....normality?....becomes.....choices....and choices create options, and control and....if not certainty at least less unclear....it really does - its the fear of the unknown that one needs to overcome, not the fear of crossing the threshold and travelling towards its ..............................
posted by Listener at 1:40 AM
Sunday, October 20, 2002
I have kind of consciously stolen a tag from a record, I hope the words remain my own.....
In The End
And those who want will never find And those that think will feel too much And in the end we live against The backdrop of the fact We always want more Always something more
And those who give will be taken And those who care will feel abused And in the end we live against The backdrop of the fact We make our choice That we’re bound to make
And those who laugh will cry once more And those who hope will feel the need And in the end we live against The backdrop of the fact We‘re not in control Never in full control
And those who wait will stand in line And those who can’t will never win And in the end we live against The backdrop of the fact Its down to fate Dealing the cards we hold
And those who love will still get hurt And those who try will fail again And in the end we live against The backdrop of the fact We’re all born to die We only live to die
Last night was fun - basically lots of beer and chat about lots of stuff - cool!
Got back about midday and have just been playing with the totally excellent Arachnophilia and also trying to learn some CSS!!!! Want to see the results? Are you impressed? lol - I am trying to move my tables into the CSS file but its a slow and painful learning experience - I'm getting there tho!
I got voted on Aortal by SimplySara which was nice - I've never really looked into what Aortal is so I did and hace signed up :))
Am sure there's lots of other things to blog about but my tea's ready and DreamTeam is on TV so later..... ;-)
posted by Listener at 8:00 PM
Saturday, October 19, 2002
Me, Ian, beer and bloke talk await - me's on the town tonight :))
posted by Listener at 6:06 PM
More poetry on my regular reads - this time Ripsaw's making a point - very eloquently :)
Also (shamelessly) ripped this off his site because it made me laugh so feckin' much :)))) I can believe this kind of thing - its that black 'in-humour' people have about there jobs - the more serious the occupation - the more black the humour I would guess.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QUANTAS' pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Quanta's is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the engineers. ________________________________________
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Now I have control over my template I changed my banner lyric test - its back to the '80s y'all - dig deep!!!
The last banner lyric was Five For Fighting's Easy Tonight, I love these lyrics 'she's in over my head' - awesome!!
You were wrong, You were right, You are gone, Tonight You were free, So alive, You were wrong, You were right
You were down, You could see, You wore hearts, For me You were sharp, Sharp as knives, You were wrong, You were right
Shot down, said you never had the chance Took a ride on a suicide romance Could have sworn there was somebody home To facilitate the great unknown Woman, I ain't going to meet you anywhere Don't know where I'm going yet: But I sure am getting there Shotgun fire, anybody home I got two dimes in the telephone Alright: It's not easy tonight
You were bound, You were free, You wear black, For me You were dark, Dark as night, You were wrong, You were right
Shot down said you never had the chance Took a ride on a suicide romance Could have sworn there was somebody home To facilitate the great unknown But woman, I ain't going to meet you anywhere Don't know where I'm going yet:But I sure am getting there
Shotgun fire, anybody home I got two dimes in the telephone Alright: It's not easy tonight
She's In. Over my head, and it's not easy it's not easy tonight Shotgun fire: anybody home, I got two dimes in the telephone, Alright: It's not easy tonight You were free, Now your not, You were free
posted by Listener at 1:17 PM
Want to know what I'm on about? caopy and paste it here - with thanks to the lovely Chain of Daisies :o))
posted by Listener at 12:12 PM
Hey Arachnophilia is way cool!! Its kind of an intelligent text editor that understands HTML code and lays it out in a structured fashion with neat colour coding on commands, attributes etc. Its also very very cnfigurable and east to set up macros and configure commands to one's own preferences and a nifty right click funtion that pulls up menus associated with what you are right clicking on, eg right click on a colour and you get the colour pallette, click a colour and it changes the code - cool! It uploads files over ftp to my host server and has some neat checking functionality too. I like trying to code my pages 'by hand' , I like learning in that way and like the discipline - this just makes it all a hell of a lot easier.
In 20 minutes I've recreated my template from the bits and peices I had saved and loaded it back into Blogger - I can start to play with it now :)
posted by Listener at 10:44 AM
What a lovely morning! I love Autumn - the light is so clear and the shadows so crisp and the colours so soothing.
Funny evening - whatever I try, no matter how much I remind myself of my life's laws I cannot shake a deep down......uneasiness....things are done, and for the best, but not quite done.....thoughts, feelings, cares and worries linger....transformation is not quite complete.
But on a brighter note I arranged a night on the town with my mate Ian for tomorrow - YAY!!!
Had the loveliest email reply from a poet - Steve - met thru the Voices.net site below - he writes in a very cool way :)
I downloaded Arachnophilia a web design prog that looks quite cool - thanks to Cynthia - but don't worry Su(zi)e I'll stay faithful to the cause ;-)
And I chatted to Tiara and the lovely Ariel who has done a load of quizzes of late, so I did this one:
I've surfed a bit and been reading and posting poetry on Voices.net a really cool poetry forum - I love it and there's some awesome talent there too :)
posted by Listener at 9:19 PM
Left work at 6 - always nice on a Friday. Just chilling now and looking forward to a lovely weekend :))
posted by Listener at 8:16 PM
I wanted to write this poem in this personal style, whilst it has a lot of me in it I feel I have to mention that its not specifically relevant to me at present, nor is it specifically about anyone I know. I just wanted to be clear to protect the innocent ;-)
The Early Day Of Splitting Up
Its not that easy This being apart When your mind's disconnected And ruled by you heart
You're living for days When we meet it seems And die a little In the time in between
And time moves slowly To fill up the hole Left by the abscence And something I stole
The nights get longer The days are too few No substance left In the life you knew
You look at the sun But see only rain And wonder why Time and again
Its not that easy This being apart When your mind's disconnected And ruled by your heart
There's a new Poet on the 'net - gimme more man :o)
posted by Listener at 9:21 PM
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
I'm tired - I'm going to crash.
posted by Listener at 10:26 PM
Blogger just crashed my add-on post Lean On Me - any version always gets me. I love the lyrics, the sentiment, the rhythm and tune - I don't really know why but it really does get me close to tears - in a neither happy nor sad way - just an emotional way. I heard this this weeknd and was tlaking to Bryony how music moves me - I think she got it! I also heard a band play this live from on top of a cafe in Sydney, Australia whilst walking back ot my hoetel so it does have a significantly happy memeory for me too :))
posted by Listener at 10:20 PM
Floyd found a post on Creative Doubt asking for books, films or music that 'defines one's life' - I like this idea very much, its why I created Music To Live By and its reminded me I must add to it.
So what music defines me?
U2 pretty much define my life, Achtung Baby, whilst a dark album will always remind me of becoming a father and a very happy time in my life.
Paul Weller also writes music I am hugely inspired by, especially now I have the back catalogue from D. for my birthday.
What else?
Dexy's Midnight Runners' Too Rye Aye was the first (proper) album I ever brought, and I loved their Don't Stand Me Down full of angst and musings on life and love that appealed to my teenager-becoming-a-man years.
Another song that means a lot to me at the moment is David Grey's This Years Love - it coincided with a time when I really was in love, the full blown thing, it didn't last like it was supposed to in the song, but not for the reasons cited there that it should. but the song is an anthem for all those frenetic feelings of happiness, dizziness, wildness.....and hope.
While I am on this subject I set up Friends Music To Live By if anyone wants to send in a song/album (or several for that matter - I'll post it up like I did for Floyd :o)
posted by Listener at 9:59 PM
When I feel guilty every other Friday when I leave (or try to leave) at 3 to get the girls I must remember that at other times I rarely leave before 7 and sometimes, like this week, before 8!!!
posted by Listener at 8:01 PM
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
I've just had a chat with D. - kind of cleared the air a little, removed some misunderstandings about how we'd been towards each other 'since' and how we can move towards being friends. I didn't realise how much not knowing how she was was weighing me down. I think its gonna be ok and we're gonna be able to be friends.
From experience, when relationships end, if they end because one person starts to feel differently about the other (rather than actually dislikes, feels betrayed, IS betrayed etc) then it can be the hardest thing in the world to stay friends - but also the most rewarding - I hate the idea of a relationship ending and you never see them again, I appreciate it is sometimes necessary but surely much of why you are with someone is because you are friends first and foremost, that's what sustains relationships and what should be left when the relationship ends. Idealistic? Naive? Selfish? I don't know, I have no answers really only some hope that things will always turn out 'for the best'.
I've written poems about this....at the time they were perhaps more attempts to convince myself it would be ok than from certain conviction.......maybe I'll try and write one 'from the other side' :))
Its pub quiz tonight - YAY :)
posted by Listener at 7:22 PM
As ever - my thoughts are wild, mad, incandesant - I will never be sane - I will always live on the edge of common reason and they will never know why - here's a thing................
I've never considered myself aloof, above or better - just apart.......and you know, I sometimes think here is the only place I feel..........understood.......I feel a part...................the only place I feel my use of full stops "................" means I'm thinking about something important .......choosing my words carefully........because I do......................here's a thing......
I will misspell all the things I want to write But please be assured its only to get it right...................
See.............written is different to spoken....yet still as subjective..................
Yet I write to expose a feeling.....I thrive on altercation, anti-hypothesis................on the challenge that the world is not write....or did I mean right? how do you know that what you mean has been got across to the reciipient....here it matters less because the listener is more receptive......but what if there was only a finite time.....a window.....to get it acroiss in......What if you didn't succeed?
What then?
I will try to explain more..........tomoorrow :))
posted by Listener at 1:02 AM
spent tonight talking to friends on the phone which was cool - got a post holiday meet-up planned soon with the firends I made on hols - YAY!
And mulled over life the universe and everythings - mullings coming soon.....................
Happy anniversary to Su(zi)e and the guru - big hugs :)))) xxx
Cornet's are great - they're like trumpets but smaller - ROFL - you had to be there :)))))))))))xxxxx
posted by Listener at 11:41 PM
YAY! So flat is back on - not sure it was my 'hard man of house negotiations' trick or more that they just took the weekend to decide what to do - but its going thru with their new purchase which is vacant so it should be quick - tho I'm not counting on it - lol :))
posted by Listener at 7:37 PM
......and then this.............
Weathertop
I went for a walk today Wanted to feel the weather Inside my head I walked up the hilltop And stood alone On the edge Forever Letting the weather Taking me where it wanted I closed my eyes Felt late summer’s sun Warming slightly, Fading mostly Then the clouds gnarled breath Buffeting and tugging Pulling me here and there And nowhere Then the rain Drizzle first Like a wet towel calming fever Then heavier, invasive Everywhere, inside and out Like my memories Burnt in my soul Etched on my face Caught on my breath And it was all brought back to me Your voice, elemental Not spoken, nor heard But felt, unconsciously Laughing Whispering Crying
I have writer's block - keep trying to write poems but they don't come out right....hmmm......oh well not to worry - else it'll get worse I guess.....will just go blank and let words find me :))
posted by Listener at 11:37 PM
I love these lyrics - I like this idea - 'its not really life till its all gone wrong' - I'm not naturally pessimistic don't get me wrong.......yet........
Nothing is Changing - Sleeper
pistol shots and lights at dawn and one fine day you'll find her gone all the ghosts they come for me make her cry a little and cover them up broken clocks and bathroom tides but one fine day old mountains rise cupboard doors and garden gates and deep inside some glacier waits and what in the world did i do then its only late for a while its only scent your skin what in the world do i do to resist its only seventy inches and where do i go
i know nothing is changing but its gone its really gone i know its not really life till its gone wrong there must be a reason
all the lives that i forgot and one fine day you'll find her gone all the nights they run from me make her sigh a little and gather them in
and what in the world do i do then its only late for a while its only breath on your skin and what in the world do i do to be strong its only seventy inches and where do i go
i know nothing is changing but its gone its really gone i know its not really life till its all gone and there must be a reason there must be a reason
posted by Listener at 10:51 PM
Thought I'd give this a go:
This week's question: What would you rather wear in bed sexy lingerie or cotton pyjamas K so it's not really aimed at blokes I guss but I prefer to wear nothing to bed but mainly because I stay warm very easily, in terms of anyone who may be hsaring it with me, well naturally lingerie is heaps better tho I must confess I have a thing for women wearing my shitrs/t-shirts, I kinda find that sexy.....and kinda like to explore underneath clothing so even the most unflattering pyjamas can still be fun ;-))
posted by Listener at 9:48 PM
So I'm surfin' and chilling and drinking wine and listening to some top music - so I feel able to post about the fact that my flat buy has prolly fallen thru - here is rough sequence of events:
Mar '02 - Put in offer on flat, offer accepted, flat taken off market, me waits for a chain to complete.
Jun '02 - Am advised chain collapsed and new chain formed - but people at top are asking for more money (house prices are rapidly rising in this part of the UK at least) which ripples through to me at the bottom. I offer 6k more (they wanted 10k!!) - this was accepted, we move forward.
Aug '02 - am told everything is ok, just slow.
Last week I'm advised chain collapsed again so the people owning the flat I am trying to buy have found a new property but guess what - yeah they want more money - 6k more, I offer 2k but haven't heard anything yet even on whether I can review!
So here's the plan - fuck this, I kinda was a bit soft and was busy at work and let it drift more than I should - No more Mr Nice Guy - I'm gonna phone estate agents tomorrow, remind them I have already surveyed the house and incurred solicitors fees, I am effectively ready to exchange contracts, I am now paying 8k more than originally agreed and incurred charges twice to revise my mortgage offer, also they never bothered to confirm a date for reviewing the property, if these people wanna piss around for 4k more than fine (I hope they get a really crap buyer who pulls out!) but I want an answer by tomorrow evening else I'll start looking again - they prolly will pull out as they will prolly get the full amount they want, but I've been Mr Patient and hung in there for them to complete so if that's not worth anything to them then fine, goodbye good luck!!
How does that sound lol !! :)
posted by Listener at 9:16 PM
Had a lovely chilled weekend which was just in order I think.
The show was ace, there some songs from the film but not sure how many or just how different it was (I'll have to watch it again to find out). It was very very good tho, good effects, singing, acting, dancing - just ace - the girls loved it. We went back to my sister's for tea and left around 8.30ish and got hoem at 10. Kate was up at 7.15 so I gave her a biscuit and put a video on and that was that till Bryony awoke at 9.15!! I'd gone to bed at 11.30 as the NTL network was 'down' and I was tired. I have felt quite fresh all day and hardly dozed off at all (quite a common occurance for me to doze during the day) -hmmm maybe I should go to bed a bit earlier a bit more often lol.
Today it rained all day but the girls had homework to do anyway which took most of the time. Kate is doing a project on Tudor houses so she used Google Images search to find some houses pasted the pictures into word and printed them out, then went back to the 'net to get the details on each house! Apart from helping with the pasting into word she did all this by herself which I was immensley proud of :))
K I'm gonna grab some tea and then surf around for a bit.
posted by Listener at 7:48 PM
Friday, October 11, 2002
Hooray! ITs back - Blogger hasn't been posting my stuff for about 24 hours now - very frustrating. But its seems to have fixed itself somehow :)
But me's tired and have got long day tomorrow - we're off to see Beauty And The Beast tomorrow with Mum, Dad and my ssiter and her boyfriend - I can't wait it looks wonderful and I know the girls will love it :))
Its Friday YAY!! I have the girls this weekend and am really looking forward to it....will tell you what I have planned this evening :))
Have a great weekend y'all :)
posted by Listener at 9:51 AM
Tried to wirte a poem but it isn't working just yet, I tried to write a meaningful post, but culdn't find the right words......thought I'd have a go at some 'quotes', its just possible that I've subconsciously re-written real ones - if so this is accidental, I just think it'd be really cool to write a quote that makes people go....'yeah that's exactly what I feel/think/am'........
Life is not something we choose - but that's no reason to just let it happen to you.
If we knew then what we know now, how much easier life would be - and how much more predicatable.
If you are in love, say so - if you think about the implications first, you're probably not in love.
Happiness is not just something you wake up feeling, its something you go to bed knowing you were, are and will be.
Being in love should be a bonus to an otherwise happy life.
People's memories of you will be the chapter's of the novel you may never get to write.
posted by Listener at 12:13 AM
Thursday, October 10, 2002
Just got in which is quite early for me :)) Got shopping on way home - Tesco's had a weird atmosphere in it - can't quite put my finger on it but it seemed unnaturally quiet even tho it was very busy - and they only had half the tills at one end working but there were like 10 people queuing for the one checkout point about half way up and only one or two at all the others!!! Spooky! Well I thought so anyway.
So I went to quiz on Tuesday with Ian which was fun, had a few beers and crashed on his sofa. Last night I didn't get in until 9.30 and wanted to chat with Ariel - which as you can tell we did for some time - thnx hun btw I felt a little more my normal self afterwards :)) xxx
On that subject I hvae felt....subdued....for several weeks now and am really treying to pull myself out of it. Its only normal life stuff really but I am conscious I could start to view everything as a 'disaster' or 'catastrophe' if I'm not careful. So I am trying really hard to be Fine and smile and worry less. Which is good :))
K, I'm off to tidy the girls room and then watch The Matrix.
posted by Listener at 7:08 PM
IDamn -me's drunkrd - I said that I've been chatting to Airel = and me's drunk - hic ;-)))
posted by Listener at 2:09 AM
I'vebeen chatting to Airel - I am sooooooooo dunked but am happy now - thnx hun - t'was ace :)))
posted by Listener at 2:05 AM
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
I'm off for a beer with my mate Ian! YAY!!!
Busy day at work today - but at least it goes quickly.
I heard D. laugh today and she made a joke of something in an email to me - that has to be good doesn't it???
posted by Listener at 7:32 PM
Searching
Took a stroll down lonely lane Superficial attempt To soothe the pain Tried to remind myself again What’s going on Why I never stay the same Its all a part of the game This moving on This staying sane And I feel tired, feel so lame Never gonna run To make that train So I turn back up lonely lane Hands in pockets Into the rain Move on Stay the same Move on Stay the same
I had a cool mail from Floyd when I got home - lots of good stuff to think on and look forward to - and some poems sprang to mind as I wrote my reply (I sometimes feel I think about possible poems too much - everytime I write or speak I keep thinking ooooh there's a phrase or a word or an idea! lol I'm a poet and do not know it) - anyhow's cheers for mail man! :))
Spoke to girls tonight - it was lovely - they were both really happy and we had a laugh - glad Bryony sounded light and happy and carefree - just as it should be :))
posted by Listener at 7:37 PM
You're dangerous 'cause you're honest You're dangerous, you don't know what you want Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot For any spirit to haunt
Hey hey sha la la, Hey hey sha la la You're an accident waiting to happen You're a piece of glass left there on the beach Well you tell me things I know you're not supposed to Then you leave me just out of reach
Hey hey sha la la, Hey hey sha la la Who's gonna ride your wild horses Who's gonna drown in your blue sea Who's gonna ride your wild horses Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee
Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to Baby, can we still be friends
Hey hey sha la la, Hey hey sha la la Who's gonna ride your wild horses Who's gonna drown in your blue sea Who's gonna ride your wild horses Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee
Oh, the deeper I spin Oh, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin Took a drive in the dirty rain To a place where the wind calls your name Under the trees the river laughing at you and me Hallelujah, heavens white rose The doors you open I just can't close
Don't turn around, don't turn around again Don't turn around, your gypsy heart Don't turn around, don't turn around again Don't turn around, and don't look back Come on now love, don't you look back
Who's gonna ride your wild horses Who's gonna drown in your blue sea Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses Who's gonna take the place of me Who's gonna ride your wild horses Who's gonna tame the heart of thee
I've just been chatting with Karen thanks hun - *hugs* and Simply Sara :))
posted by Listener at 12:19 AM
Sunday, October 06, 2002
Well I didn't really like AI - found it a bit boring, a bit hard to follow.....and I didn't really get it either......which is odd for me, I normally get films even if I don't like them.....it also seemed quite contrived, but I think its a book so maybe I should read that :) I'm wasted I'm gonna crash..................
posted by Listener at 11:18 PM
I feel sick! :(( I think I overdid dinner - a HUGE roast dinner!!!
Have been reading up on CSS this afternoon but am not quite ready to implement anything jsut yet. I am now going to chill to watch DreamTeam - sorry it corny I know but I like it!!!!!
Hey y'know - I needed a slobby weekend just chilling and pampering myself - I don't have long hair or nails, I can't afford clothes at the mo and am not fussed about chocolate - so this is what you get - lol ;-)
posted by Listener at 8:01 PM
Its the lovely Ariel's birthday eve and I've set this thread going on her forums - tune in, log on and say hi :))
In other news some nice people ahve dropped me web help links so am off to see if I can learn anything!
posted by Listener at 12:42 PM
Remember This
When it feels like it won’t stop And you want for something more You may turn and face the truth Yet don’t know what lies in store Fall back on inner strength To protect you from the pain Because sometimes you will win And sometimes you'll loose again
When you fail to calm the storm And it can’t get any worse When the day brings no relief Yet sleeping somehow hurts Know you are in control And your self remains your own You have choices on your side Even when all hope has flown
And there’s truth in what you say I know this seem’s unfair Just because I can’t move on Don’t think that that I don’t care I will watch you on your way As you shine once more Your sun will rise again So much brighter than before
posted by Listener at 12:08 AM
Saturday, October 05, 2002
Dammit! Very frustrated - I think my problem is I don't really want to change my website - well actually I want my website back (I lost the source code - long storey) so I can tweak it - but I do actually like the layout - I just feel I should redesign it - but I don't know why - I want to learn HTML, CSS and stuff - I really know very little, and there's loads of help on the web but I just don't get it!!!! ..................and I tried playing around with some stuff and I jsut can't get it to work - I might just go and by Frontpage!!!!
....and maybe this is just all a reflection of my funny old mind of late!
I spoke to D. today, twice.................. I know I am right in this decision, its just sadder than sad that D. gets so affected by it.
I remember once getting Bryony something, not sure what - somehting trivial - but she'd been looking forward to getting it, that didn't quite manage to fulfill her expectations, she'd been really looking forward to it and when it came it rather deflated her.
I guess on Tuesday when 'I did it', and D. had been looking forward to us seeing each other (I'd been heaps busy the 10 days or so before and we hadn't had much time together)....she felt something similar....except in a much larger and much more permanent way..........D. knew I hadn't said I loved her.....she didn't know I wasn't in love with her........its like imagining something really really bad happening....you cannot imagine the enormity of it really........or rather its like not knowing something but assuming or hoping for the best....you can't really imagine the worst turning out and how it will make you feel....we are I guess all creatures of hope really.....we trust in the best outcome, no matter how pessimistic we may be....we still dare....we still risk................and we still hurt at times........and I turn to REM lyrics because I am not anywhere near poet enough..............
Everybody Hurts - REM
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone, When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on. Don’t let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it’s time to sing along. When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on) If you feel like letting go, (hold on) When you think you’ve had too much of this life, well hang on.
Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends. Everybody hurts. Don’t throw your hand. Oh, no. Don’t throw your hand.
If you feel like you’re alone, no, no, no, you are not alone If you’re on your own in this life, the days and nights are long, When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on.
Well, everybody hurts sometimes, Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes. And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. (repeat & fade) (Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)
Am I just The Changin' Man? I think not, I'm selfish, I dared to love, and failed.............but someone else is paying the price................I don't want to really talk about someone else's feelings here but how can I talk about mine when they have such sad consequences.
What I will say is....D. - well I know you don't read this any more - but I know somewhere inside you are strong and you will be happy..........................
posted by Listener at 10:47 PM
Grrr and another thing its not consistent!
posted by Listener at 7:54 PM
I don't understand HTML, CSS and especially DIV TD whatevers!! :((
And why isn't there a website that tells me exactly what I wnat to know....instead of having to work it out - lol ;-)
and why has my 'view/source' stopped working - it used to come up with a txt file now it does nothing! AARRRGH!
posted by Listener at 6:00 PM
Well I guess I have a lot to catch up on....in reverse order then......
I'm tired I got in a 10 this evening, I have been in Paris for a couple of days at a conference - I gave a presentation this afternoon to about 100 people in a big auditorium which was a bit nerve wracking but it went ok. I took the Eurostar over which is quite a pleasant way to travel. Some colleagues were out last night so we went out to eat and had a lovely meal, drank loads and just had a bit of a laugh which was ok - 'cept someone mucked around with my phone and I'm now locked out and can't get an unlock code until tomorrow so hope nothing kicked off at work!!!! A couple of people who asked me some quesitons after the presentation were on the train home so I chatted to them which was fun too.
We were in La Defence area of Paris - its a large open business area with some simply stunning architecture - it was really sunny today too so I sat outsidde and just chilled over lunchtime.
I got home on Wednesday to find the lovely Su(zi)e had sent me a birthday card and pressie - thanks babe - the pressie were some Mayan Worry People - tiny little dolls in a cloth bag that (legend has it) you put under your pillow at night and they take away all your worries whilst you are asleep - and you were right girl - they really do work - I woke up on Thursday feeling clearer headed than I have for a long time.....why? ahhh well that's the sad part.
I split up with D. on Tuesday....I doing the splitting....this was really hard for me to do but whilst I really liked her I knew that our feelings weren't running on parallel lines, her's were exceeding mine and I couldn't return it....I tried to always be clear about what I wanted, how I was feeling....but its never as straightforward as that and I tried really hard to explain my head, why I couldn't match her feelings, how special and important and lovely she remains....as her own person and to me.....but ultimately all I've done is hurt someone a great deal and I feel sad and selfish and awful about that :((((((
I'm in a strange place at the moment....no not strange actually....I know where I am and what I want...I need to be single, to devote some time to my family....and for me I just want the comfort of friendships and company....I don't want to be in a relationship....I don't have baggage as such but I need some time to heal.....or at least to get some peace so that I can deal with my life and get it how I want......in realtively normal and unmomentous ways a lot has happened to me over the past few years and I need to take stock.....to my own personal chagrine I knew this back in May when I started seeing D. but I thought I could do that within the relationship.....maybe that was naive and selfish and unfair......
So now its late on Friday, I am going to bed shortly...I really am tired.....and I have a weekend on my own to just totally chill out in - a spot of shopping tomorrow, lots of PC stuff and maybe a bike ride on Sunday - I haven't been out on my bike for way too long.
Oh yeah and you naughty people out there who commented - and you know who you are - thanks :)
posted by Listener at 11:55 PM
Wednesday, October 02, 2002
I'm not feeling in the best of moods at the moment.....personal, RL stuff, its kinda difficult for me to write about it just now. I'm away with wok until Friday I'll catch up then. Oh and please don't worry, please don't comment and stuff - its all of my own making and there's others hurting even more because of me :((
posted by Listener at 9:25 PM
Tuesday, October 01, 2002
Odin and I shared the same birthday - in time zones anyway - his was the 28th but being in America his started as mine closed - happy belated birthday man!
posted by Listener at 6:57 AM
Spirits of love
The souls of the sad
Dance out this tango
In a minor key
Da da da da daaaaah
Take my hand
My dear
My card is marked
With your name
Step as one
This last time
Our final dance
Perfect timing
As the music dies
We take our leave More Of My Poems
02/01/2002 - 02/28/2002
03/01/2002 - 03/31/2002
04/01/2002 - 04/30/2002
05/01/2002 - 05/31/2002
06/01/2002 - 06/30/2002
07/01/2002 - 07/31/2002
08/01/2002 - 08/31/2002
09/01/2002 - 09/30/2002
10/01/2002 - 10/31/2002
11/01/2002 - 11/30/2002
12/01/2002 - 12/31/2002
01/01/2003 - 01/31/2003
02/01/2003 - 02/28/2003
03/01/2003 - 03/31/2003
04/01/2003 - 04/30/2003
05/01/2003 - 05/31/2003
06/01/2003 - 06/30/2003
07/01/2003 - 07/31/2003
08/01/2003 - 08/31/2003
09/01/2003 - 09/30/2003
10/01/2003 - 10/31/2003
11/01/2003 - 11/30/2003
12/01/2003 - 12/31/2003
01/01/2004 - 01/31/2004
02/01/2004 - 02/29/2004
03/01/2004 - 03/31/2004
04/01/2004 - 04/30/2004
05/01/2004 - 05/31/2004
06/01/2004 - 06/30/2004
07/01/2004 - 07/31/2004
08/01/2004 - 08/31/2004
09/01/2004 - 09/30/2004
10/01/2004 - 10/31/2004
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