Heh - I am trying out my new computer desk from Ikea - its way cool - tho the seating position and angle feels a little weird as I am used to lounging under the dining table with my feet up on the chair opposite :)
D. and I went shopping for new furniture for my flat - I got a cupboard, TV cabinet and a.....computer table - YAY - the other bits are on delivery but we brought this home :)
I had to work today - bah - and whilst I was away D. assembled the desk for me :o)
Its the end of a year tomorrow - no really it is - lots to say on this matter but I have to work tomorrow and its late and am going out tomorrow evening - so all that's left to say is have an absolutely fantastic NEW YEAR's EVE :)
I hope 2003 brings you more of the good things and time and space to move away from, reflect upon, learn from and grow because of any troubles this year held for you.........
posted by Listener at 12:28 AM
Saturday, December 28, 2002
The light out side is fantastic - clear blue skies, soft sunshine, crystal cut shadows.....I love the light this time of year it makes things so much more.....solid, deep, textured.
posted by Listener at 3:23 PM
Christmas is ace isn't it :)
Christmas Eve was chilled with D. playing Trivial Pursuits (here's how it works EVERY time we play, I race to a 3 or 4 cheese lead then D. gets several obscure questions to which the answer is always "Oh I have no idea is it 'insert wild, but correct guess'....and then she wins - lol). Christmas Day we woke at 9ish and opened pressies, she liked her camera and top and I my North American poetry book, 'screwdriver-for-glasses' - lol my glasses have been loose for over a year now!! and trendy clarins toilet bag with blokey toiletries (that's the same as for the girls but with less fluffy names) and way cool Abercrombie and Fitch sweatshirt (you can only get in NYC apparently).....we got up and had scrambled eggs and salmon (yum) then D. had to do the family thing so I chilled out, caught up on the 'net (Happy Christmas y'all once again) and then went to my sisters for the evening to play loads more games :D
I got the girls at 10am and they opened stocking fillers on way to Mum and Dad's then it was a whirl of pressie opening and playing. I had given them some money to get me a pressie the weekend before and Bryony was really excited when I opened it as she had got me something not on the list of CDs/DVDs I had given them - and it was ace - Kylie's Fever Tour DVD and CD set live in Manchester - totally ace :)))
Yesterday we fought through the traffic to visit Niki and her girls (fiends from holidays) in Luton so got there a little late but went bowling and played games- it was fun and the girls mucked around upstairs while we chatted and caught up over a bottle of wine and WKD receptively.
I just dropped the girls back and D. is coming round tonight as we're of to see the Two Towers which I am hugely excited about.
First I need to tidy this pit I am living in and make it a flat again ;)
posted by Listener at 1:00 PM
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE :)) I am having a lovely chilled time hope you are too:)
I found this at Lorien's, right-click and take this little wreath, link it back to the site you took it from and leave a message in their comments if you use it so we can all see where it goes! Let's celebrate the Holidays around the Web! ... and it all started here at Said She... what a lovely idea :))
posted by Listener at 2:58 PM
Tuesday, December 24, 2002
I got in from work at an almost sensible time and went food shopping with D. - we got lots of nice nibbly stuff to relax with this evening.....am getting excited now about tomorrow and Boxing Day too when I have the girls :))
Happy Christmas y'all :)
posted by Listener at 6:34 PM
Monday, December 23, 2002
We had a lovely weekend - yesterday me and the girls made mince pies in the morning (this is one ofthe only daddy does this moments - they seem to rarely do anything with their mum that invovles mess!!) and then went Xmas shopping and went to see Santa Clause 2 which was actually better than i thought it would be and whislt a slightly naff ending (what doid I expect really) was quite witty throughout :)
we then had take away pizza and vegged in front of the TV.
today we wrapped pressies and then went 'donutting' (sp?) which was sliding down the local dry ski slope in rubber rings - totally cool :)
Went to ma and pa's for tea and played scrabble and cards till I had to drop them home.
I actually feel quite peaceful at the mo' - maybe now everyone knows the inevitability has set in - its not without irony that almost to the day last year I had some news which seemed pretty earth shattering to me personally at the time - this years news has maybe wider ramifications - and I'm left thinking how often I think 'oh for some peace and stability' - this is not melodrama and its certainly not travelling to a destination to be happy - its just I yearn sometimes for a period of stability in my life when my plans come to fruition and the winds of change don't blow so hard in my direction.........
Anyhow I spent this evening chilling to Christmas TV and chatting to D. and Ariel.....and thanks to their encouragement I bothered to look through the pile of post downstairs (being rented I get a lot for other people) for a card from the post office confirming they had tried to deliver my Amazon parcel - I had been hugely worried that this hadn't come yet - lol - of course I found said card so will go and pick them up tomorrow :))
posted by Listener at 12:14 AM
Sunday, December 22, 2002
So feel a back beat, with some uplifting string sections....think Eminem, for me when the hype is cut away one of the greatest poets of our time.....this is not some kind of tribute, I couldn't compete, but when I wrote this and read it back I hear it as a rap........that sounds kinda silly for some reason, but I do anyway......
Release
I took the knocks The changed locks And the cheap shots I was standing there While you were standing on me Kicking me down Playing me for some kinda clown Smile painted on But all happiness gone Your star shone And I was alone Trying to get on In my path you stand Trying to hold out my hand And I’m keeping it steady I know you’re not ready To forgive and forget Not quite ready yet You feel so confused And a little bit heady Running on empty Maybe I should see Where to go Who to be Come clean Explain what I mean When I try not scream In between The highs and the lows I suppose I get by And I try To stretch my wing and fly But I move In a groove As if to prove That the runners and rails That my life moves by on Will never be gone Will carry me on To the end of my song When my breath is inhaled For the last time I know It will be exhaled Gentle and slow I’ll know I’ll have failed But won’t wish to go Without one last attempt At controlling the flow Gentle and slow Gentle and slow Where is the boy who Never climbed up that tree And where is the man I Always wanted to be The man I am trying So hard to set free That’s inside of me That some people see But who never comes to me And I’m down on my knees And I am crying out please Give me some release Some peace At least For all of this to cease My sunsets in the east As I look for release As I look for some peace Don't do this to me please
I would just like to say a big thank you to everyone for warmth and support and kind thoughts.....I'm feeling saner and will report more fully soon........and get back into this net thing I have grown to love.
and I want to say......merry xmas and a happy new year....much love and warm thoughts :o)) xxxxxx
posted by Listener at 12:04 AM
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Sorry I've been quiet, not really felt like doing much tbh.....not much to say and wanted to think rather than develop my thoughts through this blog......
The girls know - they seem quite excited about it really - I spoke tpo them the other day, told them it was a huge shock for me, that's I'm gonna miss them hugelybut that if they want to talk about it, if they want to be happy and excited then they should and not hold back with me.....we'll see how this weekend goes.
Me? I've hardly thought about anything lese....on the drive in and home, when alone and when trying to sleep and many times in between - I am glad that work is busy and that I had to work this weekend - it was a distraction.
Thank you for all your comments.....the thing I hate is I knwo it won't mean we love each other nay less, I know they'll not forget me or anything....but I will in their lives less, I'll know less about them, they'll be strangers when we meet, despite phone calls and whatever, I won't know their tastes, dislikes, how they have devleoped hw they think, they will remain in time for me, even if just a few weeks, but by the next time we will meet they will have moved on.
I'll always be in their lives but I'll become less a part of their lives.
It makes me sad.
I have pulled out the flat (at least I hadn't committed on that one), I'll see in the New Year about job possibilities (mine remains unbelieveably crap)....see where I want to go, want to do....to be......
.....its funny because something had happened a couple of weeks ago that was making me really happy in amongst all the madness.....D and I kind of got back together......but on a different level.....we, I , had a moment of honesty where I told her my feelings, all of them, I tried to explain everything I had been thinmking and stuff, about me, about her, about stuff............something kinda clicked into place I guess.....maybe its what we needed....maybe the relationship just needed to wind back....I feel my life is complicated and I don't find it easy to share the worry and cares with someone....I can talk about it.....but I find it hard to lean on people sometimes.....I don't like to burden them........anyhow we're kinda back together and its fine, more than fine.......she's is in NY att he mo for a few days......I wish she was here..............I wonder what she'd say.......
posted by Listener at 8:28 PM
Thursday, December 12, 2002
So just out of interest, when A. tells the girls, and they ask, as they surely will, "but when will we see Dad"....and they call me and ask me about it all...what do I say? I know I will reassure them that it will be ok, that they're not to worry, that something new and exciting is happening and that it will all be 'ok', that phone calls and letters and feckin' webcam links will make it seem no different at all......but by whose definition? From what point of view?
I know it will be down to me to pick up the pieces of other peoples decisions and to tow some other party line......
I wish I could say 'hey fuck it I think it sucks, I don't think its right or fair and I know that we (Neil, Bryony, Katherine) will suffer because of this.........but I won't say that really, can I? Should I? Will I?
Biggest hugs to Ariel - for lsitening to me ramble and then fall silent - thanks babe :)
posted by Listener at 10:30 PM
Heard the phrase 'smile it could be worse....so I smiled and it was' ??
I went to the girls nativity play today, I'd had a nice evening at works Xmas party yesterday and was looking forward to finishing the Xmas shopping this afternoon, A. asked me to pop in after the play, figured she wanted to talk about this counsellor man Bryony is seeing.....we did briefly then she told me they were moving to Scotland in April!!!!
I can't quite believe it at the moment....its all kinda surreal.....the girls are going to be 400miles away!
She didn't apologise as such but she had the good grace to acknowledge what it meant....she made some suggestions for how it might work out and asked me to think about it....at the end of the day her husaband's job has relocated and I don't have a choice other than to accept it.........
Maybe somewhere in there are some good things, new possibilities....I guess I am no longer tied to the (ultra expensive) south, or even the UK, maybe I can make a fresh start somehwhere new, get my house in order and stuff, whatever I do at least I won't be seeing the girls any less because when they move it is going to be every 6-8 weeks at least.....but just at the moment all I can think about is just how fucking much I'm gonna miss them................
There will be lots more to say on this......
Mum started chemo on Monday.....I took her to the girls' school nativity play today....she looked so frail....still upbeat....she always has had a positive outlook.....but she looked.......old......I've not really seen her as that before today.
One good thing these two events have kind of put work into perspective.
posted by Listener at 8:14 PM
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
I've been meaning to mention the lovely Bran whom I have been reading for a while - we're gonna share pizza and Christmas Cards lol :))
posted by Listener at 9:28 PM
Typical - the one evening I get in from work at a sensible time (tho not early enough to make my hair appointment - bah!) I feel really icky - and its my Christmas party tomorrow - fingers crossed I'm ok.......
I feel all I do is moan at the moment....and get worked up by things....and am moody and stressed.....I felt like this a couple of times before, once was towards the end of a bad relationship - we weren't amking each other happy and used to argue loads, she would goad me with all the things that she knew would get me cross...I became moody and irritable in other areas of my life....I feel that work is making me like this now and I don't like it :(((
posted by Listener at 9:20 PM
Monday, December 09, 2002
Nope unfortunately the poem I was thinking of in the car has now gone - bah!!! I'm gonna go to bed.
posted by Listener at 11:17 PM
Another late day at work - but Yippee am definately off at 5 tomorrow, then 4 on Wednesday as its works Xmas do then a day of rest on Thursday - YAAY! actually the day'll be spent going tot he girls' Xmas play (hugely excited by this) and then shopping for pressies - which'll be nice.
Ariel's got a sexy new layout and a cool page download time.....set's me thinking about mine again!!
Karen's site make's IE write little Xmas messages at the bottom left - way cool :)
I got an ace Excel album cover quiz today - sent it home zipped up but Outlook Express has removed it as it contained macros - can I disable that function anyone??
I have a peom in my head gonna try and write it :)
posted by Listener at 10:39 PM
Sunday, December 08, 2002
Letting It Go
In a moment I turned And I said to you Just tonight I want to lean on you To bend and maybe snap To let the wind Knock me off my feet I want to be weak To cry To be needed I didn’t know that You would catch me I just let it happen I didn’t think you would Not from your words Or your inaction Or from lack of either But because I never let you And it took you by surprise Not that you weren’t ready But just because You hadn’t expected it Hadn’t thought I would And when I did When I let you When I dropped my guard And fell into my abyss Into my doom Down into my darkness Of my making You were still there To catch me At the bottom
A cold and wintery day - the first of the season really but we had fun going to a soft paly center and then out to lunch. Wtch Nickelodeon film Sunday (Sabrina the Teenage witch and Mary Kate and Ashley thingy - I quite like their stuff tho its a bit 'all Aerican' - they tend to go to other countries and introduce the beneiftis of the Amerian way of life to their 'slightly backward' existence - sotrry that;s not meant to be as harsh as it may sound - espcially for my American friends who I lov eot bits).
Just chilling now.......lots to blog on still but want a 'clear run at it and I am between my fave Sunday TV progs and washing up and tidying!! lol o))
posted by Listener at 10:09 PM
Ow! My side has stiffened up and my arm is painful. Wanted to surf and blog and stuff tonight but its been a bit painful......
.....been thinking about love and life instead whilst watching the totally excellent Sliding Doors - if you haven't watched it do so - its plot hinges around a sequence of events in a woman's life that take two different paths based on whether she does or doesn't catch a train....its an interesting idea....its really about discovery and self awareness and accountability for one's own life.....
.....there are things getting me really down at the moment, work obviously...the root of all my evils, taking muy time and my energy to allow me to do all the things I want/need/have to do....
......but there's some really good stuff to......but i want to post properly about those.........
.....it's theseason to be jolly....I'm going to tey real hard to get a smile on my face for the next few weeks :))
posted by Listener at 12:56 AM
Saturday, December 07, 2002
I have a short three step stair case from the hall down to the girls room - in poutting Kate to bed I somehow managed to go from standing at the top of these to sitting at the bottom with my arm in between the struts of the pailings. My back's a bit stiff now and how I didn't break my arm I will never know - its bruised tho - ouch!!
Took the girls to their school parties today and slipped in a quick pressie shop in between - am very worried that I'm working next weekend and need to do some shopping - still their school play is on Thursday and I have the day off.
Just goinna put Bryony to bed then surf then I'll be back :))
posted by Listener at 9:15 PM
Thursday, December 05, 2002
Bah! just got in form work. Its ok just with one person off sick and one on holiday and an end of day reprot to prepare.....oh well......
So actually left realtively early yesterday because I ahd an errand to run and got a phone call on way out of office from D. asking what time I'd get there? ....er where lied......er bowling....oh yeah someone had organised bowling as a Xmas night out....lucky I'd left....so didn't bother with (not very important errand) and had a fab time chilling with work mates :-)
Well I have to be in at 7 tomorrow as am covering again and want to get away earlyish as I hgave girls - YAY!!
Hired a DJ for works as do next Wwdnesday :))
Got first Xmas card today! Like I am gonna remember to sort that out (gosh that's awful isn't it!!).......
Kind of irritated still I get so little time to blog and write poetry and surf and link and.....stuff....
posted by Listener at 10:09 PM
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
Evening! won't say good as I just got in from work :(
although works been ok recently, hard and long but mostly good....I think this coincides with a decision to ignore upper management, and not attempt to be part of it.....I remembered the story about the monkeys in the tree....the monkey's at the top look down and see lots of monkeys looking up at them....those at the bottom.....well they just see a bunch of arseholes ;-)
So I am focussed on fixing the problems at the working level, forming a functioning team, putting the necessary in place despite rather than because of the 'suits'.....and I'm enjoying it too :)
And so to my poem....firstly thank you all for commenting.....you will know (I guess) that I don't tend to explain my poetry at all often.....although it does reflect my mood, my beliefs and my feelings at times, its also quite extreme, a distillation of my thoughts, and often very influenced by my past as mush as the present....I also draw on conversations, written and verbal...or things, snippets, read at times......this one came about I guess from a few influences.....firstly my mum's situation made me think about death a little (tho not hugely, I am most hopeful for her, us the future....one has to be) and I'd been thinking about me and D. and how, well, I never really gave it a chance.....I didn't dance like no-one was watching (rather than love like I'd never been hurt - there is a difference)....and then to the fact that I'm working so damn much things are slipping by a little......and then finally on the drive home the phrase the the pith the pips and the rind came to me (know I don't know why either).......rind rhymed with behind and ...so on......I do find I write poetry these days and come out with something a little unexpected....not quite what I was thinking of (or thought I was thinking of anyway)....
And I rarely ask for comment......but was interested in how people perceived the poem, was it happy or sad, hopeful or regretful.....because the thing is the poem is meant to be positive on the whole.....it is framed in the context of death which draws the eye off this point perhaps.....hopeful things shouldn't be considered in the context of something terminal should they? Hope is that you sucked the juice out of your life, fed on every last scrap....the second verse is a counter point to this, the what I (we) wouldn't want to feel at the end, the third verse is again following the first, the hope that at the end we pretty much feel fulfilled, as we should feel all through our life.
The last verse.....maybe this is subtle, maybe it doesn't work......than I have ever known......this is not meant to mean 'because I have known so little'....it is said in the context of giving, to those 'I leave behind'....to my friends and family who all uplift me, support me, love me, care for me.....and I do feel all of that and hope that I reflect this back and, from knowing me, in some way their lives are better.
Man I sound like pone of those art critiques in the Tate - hmmmm yes the artist's juxtaposition of death with the sun provides a perfect counterpoint and reveals an inner desire to live life to the full and give to others the happiness they give him....lol....I always use juxtaposition when trying to sound pretentious (wish I new what it meant) ;-)
I think you all got it which is way cool for me....you all seemed to see the hope and the need to grasp every opportunity.....John.....I don't think we have 'met' but thank you for commenting.........Chris (az) it is a balance, I like that word, that idea, and there was a verse about the plate being licked clean...but it didn't really work in context....and Su(zi)e I never meant to make you cry - am equally moved I have moved you that much, Ariel honey, my muse, its not so literal and your PS sums up what the last verse is trying to say back, you have taught and given me heaps, Lorien thank you for your awesome post today and for sharing that story *hugs*, Karen you summed it up well because ultimately the poem is about love I guess and feelings, not material things, which means Kacroon, my dear, you will 'leave' much more than you suggest, Roo, what a beautiful idea, you don't go until you have done everything......
.....so I've kinda yakked on for a bit....stuff I wanted to ruminate on anyway....thank you again for comments....they make me smile and think a lot....I do love to think........
....think I better surf now :))
posted by Listener at 10:39 PM
Monday, December 02, 2002
Indulge me, how does this poem make you feel?
If I Die
I thought last night That if I die What would I leave behind A life with all the juice sucked dry The pith, the pips, the rind
Or would I find That if I die There’s things that I regret A life spent missing half chances And things I’d not done yet
I hope that when I come to die The last thing that I think Is that there’s hardly anything left In the glass from which I drink
And for all those That if I die I would leave alone I hope I gave them something more Than I have ever known
Lovely lovely chilled lazy Sunday - not had one for a while :)) the phone didn't ring, I slept in till 10 and just did very little of anything today - YAY! Its sad to say that I cannot remember the last Sunday I really did that on!!!!
I signed up for Microsoft Messenger today (listenerbns@hotmail.com -but don't use it for email!!) and Trillian so I can use both this and ICQ at the same time - cool :))
I checked over a letter from the solicitors - it seems like at long last we are ready to exchange - the problem is just one of timing - financially it would be much better to move at the end of January, but I had kind of hoped to be in before Xmas.....oh well we'll see.
I also started internet shopping for Xmas - Amazon did quite well out of me, lots of CDs, DVDs and books for the girls and friends......tried to get some other stuff (art stuff, games etc) using Tesco and Argos but they didn't really have what I wanted......I am determined to do as much as possible on line this year as I have so little time.
posted by Listener at 9:18 PM
I don't for one minute think this is good poetry.....but I learnt a lesson this week....or rather remembered to always do something I ususally do....will expalin I guess ina suitably long and rambly post...but for now I will choose a simple poem to say what's on my mind.....
Honesty
There’s a lesson That's hard to learn Its being honest At every turn
You think you help With saying less Little white lies Justified you guess
And though it seems The truth hurts more At least they know Just what’s the score
For people think About what you say Apply their truth And then dismay
Don’t give them room For any doubt Trust their soul They’ll work it out
Its just not fair To leave them room To feed their fears To seal their doom
In truth we seek All answers to Leave pain behind Move on anew
So always say Just how you feel Pour your heart out And keep it real
Spirits of love
The souls of the sad
Dance out this tango
In a minor key
Da da da da daaaaah
Take my hand
My dear
My card is marked
With your name
Step as one
This last time
Our final dance
Perfect timing
As the music dies
We take our leave More Of My Poems
02/01/2002 - 02/28/2002
03/01/2002 - 03/31/2002
04/01/2002 - 04/30/2002
05/01/2002 - 05/31/2002
06/01/2002 - 06/30/2002
07/01/2002 - 07/31/2002
08/01/2002 - 08/31/2002
09/01/2002 - 09/30/2002
10/01/2002 - 10/31/2002
11/01/2002 - 11/30/2002
12/01/2002 - 12/31/2002
01/01/2003 - 01/31/2003
02/01/2003 - 02/28/2003
03/01/2003 - 03/31/2003
04/01/2003 - 04/30/2003
05/01/2003 - 05/31/2003
06/01/2003 - 06/30/2003
07/01/2003 - 07/31/2003
08/01/2003 - 08/31/2003
09/01/2003 - 09/30/2003
10/01/2003 - 10/31/2003
11/01/2003 - 11/30/2003
12/01/2003 - 12/31/2003
01/01/2004 - 01/31/2004
02/01/2004 - 02/29/2004
03/01/2004 - 03/31/2004
04/01/2004 - 04/30/2004
05/01/2004 - 05/31/2004
06/01/2004 - 06/30/2004
07/01/2004 - 07/31/2004
08/01/2004 - 08/31/2004
09/01/2004 - 09/30/2004
10/01/2004 - 10/31/2004
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