The child sits in the car face to the window The world passes by as her world falls behind Further away with the miles into the unknown The sense of adventure and excitement Replaced now by the knot of anxiety in her stomach And the knowing that something has changed Into something her mind cannot yet conceive Reality is upon her anticipated yet unexpected With all the sharpness of a paper cut or car crash
The father sits at home face to the window The world static outside, tumbles and churns inside As untravelled miles speed by the unknown draws near The sense of adventure and excitement Felt only for others replaced now by the pain in his heart And the knowing that everything has changed Into something his mind never dared to imagine Reality is upon him brutally vivid and stunning With all the sharpness of a paper cut or car crash
I once had a dream Of you in that dress You entered that room Like a warm caress And I didn’t know why And I didn’t care less Just you in the room And the tenderness
I was living a dream Alone in that place High up on the hill The wind in my face I was feeling you near As I stared into space The smile on your lips Your sensual grace
I woke from a dream In an empty bed Remembering you And all that you said Wanting to go back Where waking I’d fled Wanting it to be real Not inside my head
I fell asleep at 8.30 and didn't wake until midnight only to go back to sleep again until the alarm went off at 6.15!!!
I guess I needed the sleep.....I am very bad at going to bed and getting enough sleep....I tend to average 6 hours or less a night......I don't like sleeping....it seems such a waste of time....I'm sure it might improve the quality of my days a bit if I had more sleep.....but you don't get anything done when your asleep.....I mean I get up at 6.15, I have maybe 10 minutes to myself before I go to work and then I get in at 8ish....if I went to bed at 11 by the time I had done chores and eaten I'd have maybe 1.5 hours to myself, and that doesn't seem a very equitable return!
Still I have to say it was a very nice sleep for all that :)
I was supposed to see stevie tonight but had to work in reading and his child was poorly so we have rearranged for next week. Stevie is a very good friend, we were inseperable for a while at uni, and he was really there for me when I spilt up with A., I did my usual so busy I let time slip by too quickly last year and haven't seen him for a while - i am really looking forward to catching up.
My muse reminded me of a couple of things in recent posts, firstly how lucky I am to have my friends, I really do have some lovely firends who through thick and thin and no matter how much time passes between meetings, we remin always close. This is good as sometimes life and time seems to breeze by soooooo quickly.
And secondly of a wonderful book she showed me, The Bridge Across Forever is a wonderful story, its about a man who is looking so hard for the perfect woman (by which he means someone who meets all his ideals, who fits him perfectly, who is his soulmate) that he kind of forgets to let himself be open to the possibility he might actually meet her.....then someone shows him the way, dares him to take the chance, to give it his all....I often think back on this book and its message of hope and possibility and yes of how to try to abandon yourslef to the momnet, to explore it fully, to suck the juice out of life tills its dry.......
posted by Listener at 11:14 PM
Monday, January 27, 2003
ramblings
D. rocks - we had a wonderfully lazy Sunday - the stay in bed late, chill out, ease into the day in the subtle pleasure of shared spirits, a walk on Epsom Downs, roast chicken tea then choccie and Listener's crap TV and finally to bed.....hmmmm a really good Sunday......
....spoilt marginally (because I wouldn't let it get to me....too much!) by a call form A. - the dreaded call I'd been expecting for the last two years or so now....the 'lets talk about money, please put up the maintenance' call! Fuck! I'm not going to say too much (better safe than sorry) but I have always paid for the girls, and always paid amounts disproportionate to my salary......there is no more I can afford, I have debts associated with the divorce, with starting up again, I have always been responsible for seeing the girls, even when I had no car, I did all the travelling, all the accommodating....now they're moving to Scotland....A. cannot work (lack of babysitters and a young child)....there are significant travel costs....and she's asked for more money....and makes me so guilty because I said no.......I cannot afford it......I will be spending out on flights, hotels, cars when I go up there - I think she should pay for them to come down here - and I see no reason why I should subsidise their life style change.....there's I stress, not the girls....not me.....and I simply cannot afford it......I have paid a lot of money over the years......but its weird its not really a thing I can take comfort in feeling morally right.....it just kind of makes me realise....the last few weeks we got on ok, even 'chatted' a little bit....but having the money conversation.....I realised she still thinks I'm a selfish bastard, she still thinks she's has a right to ask me this.......
This is a worry....now its raised its head I worry what's going to happen.....I guess I should seek some advice :((
hmmmm nuff said methinks.
In other news I got called to Reading today - I got home about 20 minutes ago......no I don't miss working there........going to the gym and then quiz night tomorrow....seeing my mate Stevie on Wednesday....I've got the girls this weekend, the third to last before they go.......
posted by Listener at 11:07 PM
Sunday, January 26, 2003
Raging Lady - for D.
Raging lady There’s a desert wind blowing over me And it brings us things I cannot see But we’re still raging lady Burning baby Set me alight Burning wild Through my night
Raging lady Turning on moments such as these The kind that bring you to your knees But we’re still raging lady Burning baby Set me alight Burning wild Through my night
Raging lady You light the darkness feed my soul Take this broken man and make me whole And we’re still raging lady Burning baby Set me alight Burning wild Through my night
The bubble burst and the drops of rain Showered down on me again As the sunlight set the darkness grew And fear and worry returned anew
I’d weathered storms, found my way home Too long spent out there on my own So I let my guard drop and you back in Didn’t see I still crawled right under your skin
Why didn’t you move on forget what you knew You future not based on a past that’s not true You cannot forgive but I bear the cost Bizarre retribution for that which you lost
And the irony is whilst I will still pay Its for something you know longer want anyway
posted by Listener at 4:29 PM
Friday, January 24, 2003
So we were driving home last night and the moon was slap bang in front of us and it was half full and it looked huge. Why does the moon move all over the sky asked D.
After the next 20 minutes of carefully laid out theorising she said 'you don't actually know do you?' - lol - which may well have been true (tho I gave it my best shot!) but I was then eager to know why (and also why it is bigger on the horizon than in the sky) - I think i was perhaps appeared too overeager to sort this out straight away when I got home but I was expertly waylaid by the lovely D. (!) so my search for knowledge had to wait until just now.
Now the web is a wonderful thing of course and it gave up all this wonderful info on the moon and stuff:
He's a very clever chap - I wasn't totally sure what I would think of him as I have sometimes thought his TV shows had a touch of arrogance and were a little contrived at times. However he was totally differnet live, very very funny of course, very well informed, quite self-effacing and humble (which really made the show work well),,,,,it was good to hear some differnet views and ideas too.....whilst I am never going to be an 'activist' I like to think I have a social conscience and 'challenge' the stuff we get fed by governments and the media.
D. and I are going to check out a Taiko Drum show next :)
Can't sleep :( another weird dream filled night - full of stuff about work - a company I used to work with a year or so back, their annual awards ceremony held on lake Volga (because it was a lake that was larger than some seas - I think this is actually true tho not sure why its relevant!!) We were in some huge entertainment complex with giant video screens and the award nominations swung out on giant boards on a pulley system. The boss wanted to use my laptop for the presentation which was ok but when there is a little hiccup in it and Powerpoint shuts down up pops my website on IE for all to see, then some miscellaneous porn sites - needless to say to my huge embarrassment. There was someone in the audience from my uni days - not a particularly well liked fellow, a bit obnoxious, and he was heckling the awards (he always used to shout out crap stupid how off jokes during lectures I seem to recall). Oh and Danni Minogue presented some nominations in the style of 'all That Jazz'!!!!!! Before all that some stuff set around the place I grew up, was living at Mum and Dad's but was my age now, but behave like an early teen - was using my laptop trying to do some work and get cross when Dad picked it up by the screen and threw it to one side....then lots of weird stuff about being hard done by and unhappy....'just let me be' type stuff. This bit ended up with me in my bedroom but all the furniture and ornaments were mum and dads not mine. Then mum telling me about some new cushions for the dining room that went across all the dining room chairs in one go and Dad and 'someone' else - not sure I knew them trying to finish my work for me as they felt bad about throwing my laptop around but they didn't know how to work the CR ROM drive.
All very weird and disturbing. Still better than the other nights - stick in a sinking ship with the girls and as the water poured in I couldn't hold on to Katherine............
I know where bits and pieces of these come from....in terms of minor insignificant events of the day....isn't amazing how dreams put big things in your life into a context of the trivial things........
I come to associate vivid dreaming with times of change and uncertainty in my life....normally I rarely dream or if I do cannot really remember them in the morning....its odd because as I have said despite some things I actually feel quite happy and content.
Oh well its 6am so decided to get into work bright and early!!
posted by Listener at 6:11 AM
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Picked this up from Princess Erin - lol - I was asking D. about this - she can speak Japanese and lived there for a year - she knew the storey - wonder what she'll make of me being 'creamy' lol ;-)
And I must ask her about this too - assuming its Japanese - heh (thanks to John.
MSN search for music + websites - quite cool - they seem to have rewritten a bio about my site "Explore this website and blog written by Listener from Surrey, which describes his life and his interests in music, poetry and travel." its not something I have ever written (at least not in the style) - do they generate this from the meta content or something?
Take cauliflower, brocoli and mushrooms and steam gently for 10 minutes, simmer a corn on the cob for the same time and make a cheese sauce with olive oil, milk, a dash of white wine and ....oh yeah cheese. serve veg when cooked on a plate with some tuna, drizzle (lol - sounds professional eh?!!!) cheese sauce over - YUM - I'm stuffed now :o)
D. and I had a chilled evening last night - I'm not so good at letting people 'look after me' when I'm poorly but she made me tea and then beat me at Triv - tho she did try and let me win - for once!! And she brought me some Love Hearts :o))
I didn't sleep very well, had a bad dream as I dozed off - too much on my mind I think - I've been dreaming a lot recently :o(
Went back to work today, and that's about it.
Going to start back at the gym tomorrw - me's a bit porky these days :(
Thursday D. got us tickets to see Mark Thomas in Windsor. Friday I think we may be partying, Saturday I am working, and then we're going to see Chicago and then I have Sunday off - my first non-working, non-girls weekend day off since the end of November - YAY :))
D. and I are really good together, I'm glad she was there last night, she listened to me and said all the right things.........think that's all I need to say.
posted by Listener at 7:56 PM
Monday, January 20, 2003
I think things have relly caught up on me, the back got better and then I had stomach cramps, they got better now I have a heavy cold :(
Oh well.
I sat down with A. and sorted out when I would see the girls last night when I dropped them back. It was ok I guess, she was pretty flexible and stuff. I think we're gonna have to work it out year by year and even review it more often. For the moment they go on the 28th Feb and I have them the weekend before Easter for 4 days, then our two week holiday in June and possibly another long weekend in August and October. It was my turn to have them for Christmas and usually we that's until Boxing Day morning but she said that was imparactical and I should have them for longer - so that's be Christmas Eve until 30th. I guess I'll go up for the odd weekend here and there in between times. At least its sorted out and A. was pretty flexible. A couple of those will involve the girls flying down as 'escorted flyers' - I don't think Bryony will be too happy with that but I'm sure she will be ok in the end.
I think it finally hit me last night and today - it had seemed a little unreal but sorting out new arrangements made it hit home. We'll be alright tho I guess.
Any how I'm going to make another honey and lemon and have a sleep - I woke up with a coughing fir last night so am tired.
posted by Listener at 1:04 PM
Saturday, January 18, 2003
We had a typically lazy morning - Katherine was trying to be a Zoo Tycoon - its quite a good game but a bit variable - you make the animals happy then they get unhappy, the notes say they want some type of terrain then they don't like it! It's ok tho - she has a stable zoo now and we're gonna let it run overnight and see what happens in the morning!!
Went to The Lookout a hands on science place in woodlands with a good swing park and wood area where you can make wig wams :))
I've been looking at their school holidays and trying to put a plan together - it doesn't look too good tho - the main hols should be ok but the half terms are not full weeks - more like 4 or 5 day weekends.....I was hoping to always have them here and not up there - the idea of a snatched weekend in a hotel wandering the streets in search of entertainment doesn't appeal - I am discussing with A. tomorrow when I drop them back - its not going to be the same tho - and can't quite see how its going to be much good, how its going to work.......
Watched Armageddon tonight - yeah ok its far fetched etc but I do love that film - and it always leaves me a little teary a the end!!
Well its bed time now I guess.
posted by Listener at 11:57 PM
Friday, January 17, 2003
Not much happening this week - I have been off sick but am starting to feel a lot better - nothing serious - I think its just a combination of all the alte nights and stress last year to be honest.
I have the girls this weekend - YAY :))
posted by Listener at 2:11 PM
Thursday, January 16, 2003
Chris found The Blogging Lovefest link which was actually a couple of days ago. Its a cool idea and something I have down a couple of times already so thought I'd just link you all.....but I've shaken you up alittle and removed all the spacing - go on have a click and see where you end up :))
So I had a hugely stiff and painful back on Monday and ahven't been to work since - the back is ok now - I went to the physio this morning but yesterday an dtoday I had really bad stomach cramps and felt sick all day :((
I should know by now when A. leaves a message to call her its going to be bad news - I returned her call to find out the girls are now going away at the end of february not the end of April - better start thinking about it I guess.
Apart from that things're ok, better than ok actually - I do feel incredibly light of spirit, maybe its the new year or work calming down, its definately something to do with D. as she is making me very happy at the moment :))
posted by Listener at 3:40 PM
Monday, January 13, 2003
So the lovely Ariel made me think today - all those times I've been embarrassed - when I thought I was right, or being cool, or just being me (yeah that's the most embarrassing - lol) and it all went horribly wrong - so here it is a kind of 'Listener, It'll be alright on the night!!!!!
1 In car with a girlfriend - being driven home when the car in front emergency stops causing her to break hard - but not in a way I felt was going to lead to an accident - hence I had 'foresight' to grab her arm and shout 'insert name of ex-wife' - D'oh!
2 Sat around table in a pub with friends and friends of friends one of whom was a lovely and rather large lady (I only mention this for story's sake!!)....so we were chatting about a mutual friend who was totally fed up about work etc and whilst loved the job just didn't think she could stay and wanted to leave - causing her a lot of angst....so I'm thinking she'll stick it out and say oh I don't know its not over until the.....er......erm......'. 'well its not over yet' I finished lamely!!! D'oh! D'oh!
3 In aforementioned situation me 'mate' saying 'eh? what? its not over until what Neil??' while I tried to finish lamely D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!
4 On underground in London at 10.59 and 59 seconds on 11th November 2000. An announcement says 'we will be observing a minutes silence for those that dies in the wars'....now I didn't think this was terribly clear that the minute had started so when Katherine asked me what he had meant I spent the next minute explaining to her.....in a packed tube train....until the announcer proclaimed 'thank you ladies and gentlemen for observing the minutes silence - hey at least I was sober on this occasion D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!
5 Getting drunk on a flight to Bangladesh via Dubai with Emirates airlines with some of their off-duty 'air hostess' going back to work - so drunk it seems that when we changed planes at Dubai I forgot my Walkman, tennis racket, book.....oh yeah and traveller's cheques, tickets and oh yeah! passport!!! Its ok I got most of it back but had to explain to a work colleague travelling with me but not next to me - so he was a little concerned on the next plane when the captain apologized for the delay but a drunk person had had to be removed from the [plane prior to take off (but not me - he didn't know that bless him!!!). D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!
6 At uni in our fave local pub with the barman stacking our several pint glasses up to take back to bar - me drinks final bit of my pint and add glass to stack of 8 or so....and in kind of the same way you might pat a bed after making it or a tablecloth after laying it I 'tapped' the top of the stack - causing the now 9 or so glasses to smash....chink chink chink......oh...erm....sorry about that....possibly did not know my own strength at that point of the evening. D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!
Well that's drink for you - I'm sure there are other times!!!! I would like to point out that I do not condone the excess imbibing of alcohol in any way - its not big and its not clever - even if friends suggest it is very very funny at the time ;o)
posted by Listener at 11:23 PM
I Raise A Glass To You
The bottle's nearly empty now And it is time for bed But drink and those cold cold sheets Won’t still my raging head
I cried a little one glass in For all that lay in store The partings that will soon be gone Till they start again once more
I laughed a little after two But not from any mirth But the irony of my desire To crawl inside the earth
After three I nearly stopped I said I’d had my fill But then the thoughts came again So I drank to make them still
The bottles is quite empty now And I should go to bed But drink and those cold cold sheets Don’t change that which I dread
Chilling out and surfing......found an intersting link via the poetry forum:
Oh and I changed the layout of my poetry pagees - still not 100% happy but at least its in keeping :)
posted by Listener at 7:26 PM
Sunday, January 12, 2003
Worked again today....hence another poem!! Had a lovely meal with D. last night, am looking forward to The Two Towers this evening with ma and pa......
Sing, Dance, Love
Sing Clear and elfin-like Bring light to our world Through your voice As the sun brings light To the darkest night
Dance Wild and uncaring Let joy in your heart Flow through your limbs Dervish wild and untamed As any tempest wind
Love Give and be loved by Abandoned and free Of pain and ache-fear Beyond all your pasts The future starts now
posted by Listener at 4:00 PM
Saturday, January 11, 2003
So I am sat in work at 9am on a Saturday wiating to answer phone calls from site....what else am I gonna do to while away the hours.........
I Cast Stones
I cast stones onto the pond of my life Some skim and skip across its surface In brief balletic majesty Their impact of contact diminishing With each more frequent Less fervent caress Others hit hard and fall fast Their chaotic impact a disruption That when all external trace subsides Leaves change beneath the surface And then occasionally one slips Gentle and unbidden Into the depths of my soul Its touch ripples out ever wider Not bounded by time or thought Or the shores of my limitations
posted by Listener at 9:59 AM
Friday, January 10, 2003
Went to pub last night with work mates - good fun we left once they started bying Vodka shots!!!!!
Feeling really happy at the mo which is good of course - looking forward to the weekend - I still have to work but in Slough not reading and it shouldn't drag on into the evening like before Christams. Plans are to chill and watch DVDs tonight with D., going out for a meal tomorrow and then taking Ma and Pa to see The Two toers on Sunday - am really looking forward to seeing it again - I was so excited last time and think I spent most of the film loking forward to the next bit to see how they filmed it and captured the books ideas rather than just enjoying it lol.
Happy Friday y'all :)
posted by Listener at 11:06 AM
Wednesday, January 08, 2003
Aaaaaah yes - I remember when I used to post something like......'oh yeah, kick back and enjoy, good music, good wine and top surfing'....well guess what I have doine all night (3 hours so far and still not bored) - I'm in the zone - heh :)))
posted by Listener at 11:56 PM
New Banner Lyric y'all - seems the last one stumped a few people - so how's yer rap?
posted by Listener at 10:42 PM
K, a bit more fiddling - all the links now work on right and decided to change my Winamp to a posting of my last poem - which I will update of course :))
I have a plan to save each poem onto a separate html file and display them up into the frame - need to think about how I work the menu tho - possibly a new page pretty much the same as this one but with the 'categories' on the left and the poem titles for that category on the right.....hmmmm yeah I think that will work - lol :)
so I got in from work at....wait for it....drum roll please....6.45! Oh yeah I liked that :)
Went to pub quiz last night - the question only I knew the answer to (the only question I actually got the answer to first - lol) was which sports commentator was famous for his catch phrase 'Its an up and under'??? D. came - I guess she was a little nervous meeting some of my friends for the first time - but she needn't be as she is lovely and we all got on well :)
K I promised myself an evening on the voices net forum - its so busy there at the mo and I want to catch up.
posted by Listener at 8:08 PM
Monday, January 06, 2003
I've been getting a lot of really flattering comments just recently from new visitors reading my poetry - and i just want to say thank you *blushes* .
JJ who runs Voices Net has asked me if I want to help moderate the poetry critique section which I'm hugely chuffed about - I have said before how much I lvoe this forum and the community of poets on there - I hope I will do the site justice :))
Did I mention I have a new role at work so it should mean more sensible hours? It was really really lovely not to go to reading today and do a 'normal' day in my usual (old? lol) office - the new role looks pretty intersting so I am quite excoited about that. I went round to D.'s yesterday who's house sitting for her aprents 5 minutes form work - cool - we had a chilled evening and she brought me the collector's edition of LOTR which is totally ace :))
Didn't We?
We lit up the sky didn't we?
Like the dawn's caress releasing night's grip Chasing the fears and whispering of hope Or distant guns reigning orange-burst fire Onto out of sight, over the horizon enemies
Sensual and devastating We were often one or the other And rarely in between Too long looking to discover The thing we had not seen
We soared for a while didn't we?
Like swallows going south in summer's end sky Fleet, graceful, immune to our path's dangers Or like a firework, rushing headlong high Before exploding in a brief yet glorious end
Sensual and devastating We were often one or the other And rarely in between Too caught up in a moment To care what might have been
We burnt brightly didn't we?
Like candlelight intense at point of contact Yet flickering shadow-soft from afar Or a forest fire raging and wind driven Out of control and finally out of ways to turn
Sensual and devastating We were often one or the other And too rarely in between Too close and yet too distant To care what might have been
I'm quite chuffed because I've used frames and the margin thingys on the right and left are all in the CSS - heh - see Su(zi)e I was listening really ;-)
Biggest thanks ever to Ariel for virtually holding my hand again ;-)
Need to tidy a couple of the links and sort out my poems pages which doin't lend themselves to laoding in the central frame so open in a seperate window. anyone know how to make a page load in the same IE window but not within the frame - which a href target=main does??
The laod time isn't much better which is odd as the blog code bit is pretty lean and mean.....hmmm again for another day.
Am going to fiddle some more......
posted by Listener at 10:33 PM
Sunday, January 05, 2003
What a beautiful weekend - the light and the sun have been wonderful.
The girls are up - we have chilled mostly, I was waiting a de;livery of furniture form Ikea yesteray which came about 5ish so we spoent the early evening putting them toghether and tidying the lounge. earlier the girls had tidied their bedroom and Bryony had put up some groovy chick stickers I got her for her birthday :)
Oh yeah and we got Scooby Doo on DVD - it was even better second toime - lots more 'in jokes' and stuff -I liked the way Scooby and Shaggy ke[pt using sayings from other cartonns - I spotted references to Mutant Ninja Hero Turtles (Kowabunbga!!) and Hong Kong Phooey. Very funny :)
We're going swimming soon.......
posted by Listener at 2:23 PM
Saturday, January 04, 2003
I write this - don't know why it has no bearing on my curretn mind....the words just spilled out tho :)
The Dark Dark Of My Heart
In the dark dark of my heart Is a black mark and a hole The mark is the scar you gave to me The hole is the pain you cannot see The something that you stole
In the dark dark of my heart Is a place where I don’t go Somewhere I can’t escape the pain Somewhere that there is only rain And the truth I'll always know
cheack out Trudy not just a cool site intro, she makes me smile too, thanks for commenting and linking these apst few days hun :) xxx
Spent tonight catching up on poetry at Voices Net Forums....its so cool to get a big fat inbox from related threads....poems I post or poems I comment on -) YAY :)
posted by Listener at 12:29 AM
Friday, January 03, 2003
Seem unable to anything with it apart form this - oh well - later maybe - I am off sick full of head cold at the mo so prolly not the best time to try to do things.....had a surf around for html help and some dabbles with a new layout - I still don't really get html - all web references seem to start in the middle not at the beginning - or rather the beginning I want it to start at - lol
yeah I know I've moaned about this before and had laods of help too - must try harder - rofl ;-)
posted by Listener at 1:25 PM
YAY! I had a poem selected for the Voices Net poetry anthology - I entered:
Different Perspectives
Nervously We sat across the table Dancing around the point For an hour or two We skirted the issues And I was laying low whilst You were seeing us draw nearer Feeling more nervous as I told you what I want And I couldn’t help it but It wasn’t meant to hurt It is just where I’m at Right now
Right now It is just where I’m at It wasn’t meant to hurt And I couldn’t help it but I told you what I want Feeling more nervous as You were seeing us draw nearer And I was laying low whilst We skirted the issues For an hour or two Dancing around the point We sat across the table Nervously
OK so isolated the problem to the right hand cxolumn - gonna add the links back in one by one and see what happens :)
posted by Listener at 9:14 AM
AAAAAAAHH!
Waht's going on! My template is also mucked up - it works fine actually but when I copy it into blogger it gets corrupted about the blogger code area - its simple cut and paste and I don't understand what is wrong with it :(((
I had a friend look at it and they did manage to paste it in ok but then it went funny again and now they cannot do it either!
I think the problem is with blogger but am not really sure and not sure what to do!!!!
The lovely Monkey sent an email a while back referring to this quote: Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today
I meant to say how wonderful I thought it was :)
posted by Listener at 9:38 PM
So I am not big into New Year's Resolutions but I do tend to reflect around this time of year about things.......this year has been a strange one really not at all what I expected when it started.
I guess one of the biggest new things to happen to me this year is blogging, computers and the whole 'net thing - Ariel (who introduced me the whole thing) and I often giggle over how a little less than a year ago I pretty much knew very little about the 'net other than as a source of reference and now I can code (well kind of) in HTML, have countless links for all sort of useful and fun things an online diary and a whole host of online friends. How cool is that :)
The other big thing to happen is I have started writing poetry and as I have blogged about this more than once I will not do so again - suffice to say it is important to me and if nothing else provides me some release for my feelings and a way to work things out. I haven't written much of late as I have been so busy but will do so soon I am sure.
I started the year quite sad about a relationship ending and trying to make sense of it all and reflecting on who I am and where I was going, I guess I was looking for change, that's come over the monthsmainly because I learnt how to get over the 'lost love' part of that relationship and turn it into a wonderfully important and special friendship - It is good to know that not all things end badly :)
The middle part of the year was spent having fun and enjoying myself - that is normal isn't it - we work to live - unfortunately the last three months I have lived to work and I kind of accepted that because I thought it would only be for a few weeks and well being a professional engineer and all that - I kind of think now that I was a little misguided - yes my work is important to me and yes I believe I am paid to do a job not work x hours - but I don't believe in giving up my life for my job, not any more - especially as you never get any thanks for it - so I have learnt a little about me and my work ethic and how it fits into my life. I was supposed to go away for New Year but worked instead (there were some other reasons I couldn't get away) - this will be the last time I actually put work first before myself.
I think that my mum being ill and the girls moving away also helped bring all that into perspective. Work took my time away, time from my girls, with my friends, it made things difficult, pre-Xmas was not fun it was a chore, all the normal day to day stuff was hard to fit in because of ork, seeing my friends was almost impossible because of work, I will not let that happen again.
Those last two things I guess will dominate the next few months - the latter will be a huge change and I still do not know how I feel about it all. I do know I am going to take the most of the next few weeks tho.
So no new year's resolutions as such - yes I will look to loosing a bit of weight, getting fit, being better with money - all that kind of stuff - but mostly next year is going to be about having some fun and about me living for a change, doing lots of stuff with my girls, my family, my friends and with the lovely D. because she is someone whom I find it easy to have a lot of fun with :)
Happy new year everyone, I hope it brings you peace and fun and love and friendships and happiness :0)) xxx
posted by Listener at 9:34 PM
Normal Service Is Resumed (kind of)
Happy New Year! And it is happy, I feel more of my normal self returning, the one that is normally happy and smiley and who takes troubles in his stride and keeps them in their place, gets down or sad from time to time....but who also looks at the grey, rain filled sky and still sees the sun shining. I am still worried for Mum, sad and confused about the girls and 'unhappy' at work but I also have a lot of good and wonderful things to be happy about. I am travelling happily again.
So 2003 - where did the last one go.....will ramble non such matter later, time for a quick catch up.
I had to work yesterday :(
The customer decided to pick yesterday to be particularly obtuse and demanding about trying to complete works on site - which meant I left to work at 7 with several engineers just leaving sites and a couple of hours from home - which was nice, more so as the customer had cleared the office by 5!!!! Such is life.
Last night was a really fun New Year - one of my better ones actually. There was no big party, no huge group of friends, no family, no big night out that had been planned for weeks, just me and d. chilling out, heading into a pub in Ealing around 10ish and sitting in the corner people watching and chatting.....bizarrely enough there was no 'count down' just a few groups starting to count within a few seconds of each other and then this dissolving into a big cheer and hug session - cool.
I feel a bit like Steve Redgrave when he won his fourth Olympic rowing medal at 30 something he said anyone who sees me in a boat again can shoot me, then a few weeks later he confirmed he would compete for the next four years until the Sydney Olympics! Well I made a few statements back in September about wanting to be single and stuff, and now I am back with d. - but I am very very happy, maybe we needed to go through the split and confusion thing to get to this point where we are much cooler, and more importantly I guess, clearer about what we feel for each other and what we want in and from the relationship.
posted by Listener at 4:47 PM
Spirits of love
The souls of the sad
Dance out this tango
In a minor key
Da da da da daaaaah
Take my hand
My dear
My card is marked
With your name
Step as one
This last time
Our final dance
Perfect timing
As the music dies
We take our leave More Of My Poems
02/01/2002 - 02/28/2002
03/01/2002 - 03/31/2002
04/01/2002 - 04/30/2002
05/01/2002 - 05/31/2002
06/01/2002 - 06/30/2002
07/01/2002 - 07/31/2002
08/01/2002 - 08/31/2002
09/01/2002 - 09/30/2002
10/01/2002 - 10/31/2002
11/01/2002 - 11/30/2002
12/01/2002 - 12/31/2002
01/01/2003 - 01/31/2003
02/01/2003 - 02/28/2003
03/01/2003 - 03/31/2003
04/01/2003 - 04/30/2003
05/01/2003 - 05/31/2003
06/01/2003 - 06/30/2003
07/01/2003 - 07/31/2003
08/01/2003 - 08/31/2003
09/01/2003 - 09/30/2003
10/01/2003 - 10/31/2003
11/01/2003 - 11/30/2003
12/01/2003 - 12/31/2003
01/01/2004 - 01/31/2004
02/01/2004 - 02/29/2004
03/01/2004 - 03/31/2004
04/01/2004 - 04/30/2004
05/01/2004 - 05/31/2004
06/01/2004 - 06/30/2004
07/01/2004 - 07/31/2004
08/01/2004 - 08/31/2004
09/01/2004 - 09/30/2004
10/01/2004 - 10/31/2004
U2
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