Apparently from when I spoke to them on Wednesday they may not move in straight away so I now have no way of contacting them until they call me!!!!
posted by Listener at 4:09 PM
Thursday, February 27, 2003
Happy Birthday to my Blog - 1 year old - my how its grown - my first ever post was
This is my first entry, I am not terribly internet literate and will learn to make the page 'my own' but until such times I hope the content will suffice to maintain interest.
Made with trepidation and a little nervousness and a lot of excitement - I'd only used the 'net for work stuff really.....I then posted
OK so I am sat here thinking what to do first.....*edit*.......I want this page to be where I can talk about my life, love passions, interests and just things that make me think, that's cool I want to share that. Not sure who'll ever look, but that's the beauty (and the point maybe) of blogger.com, say what you want and what the hell. K off to see how to change the awful (sorry designer) background!!
Well I *think* I achieved most of all those things in some shape or form - who'd have thought eh? I used to say thanks to Ariel for getting me into all of this a lot back then - its as true today as ever - but also thanks to people who read and comment and make me feel warm and happy and comforted ;-) xxxx
posted by Listener at 1:35 AM
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
Its Floyd's birthday - happy days mate - Floyd's a net friend who sure plays a mean guitar - am looking forward to hopefully meeting him when I go to see Ariel in April :))
Choices choices - I had to submit a poem for the next VoicesNet anthology competition and it took ages to decide - was torn between two or three - Strange Day, The Ying and The Yang Of It and a couple of the more recent ones. Guess I started trying to compare and decide which was better, more likely to win even - then I thought hey I am really proud of them all so should just post the one that feels right - so I went for Didn't We because I kind of felt I did something a little different with that one and the words mean a lot to me......and the others can wait for the next comp deadline ;-)
I spoke to the girls today - they're ok - hugely sobby moment with Katherine:
"Hi honey how are you?" "I'm ok daddy......well middlish" "Oh hun I'm sorry - you a little bit scared and sad and things?" "Yeah" "I love you baby, you know I'm thinking of you heaps" "I miss you dad"
posted by Listener at 9:17 PM
Things seem brighter and fresher this morning - its quite a lovely day - big crash on the mototrway so am working at home until the traffic dies down :)
posted by Listener at 9:32 AM
A Walk At Night
Many hours past The sun had shed its solitary tear Beyond some distant horizon The ink black night lays ahead Moon bereft and soulless I own nights like these I lay claim to these long forsaken streets Know them for what they are Abandoned through fares to a better life Deadends from briefly opened doorways Havens from dreamtime and living From the wanting something more And the having it tomorrow My shadow less footfall Like tears ripped from my eyes Mark out my time and my place Irregular, unmeasured, staccato Echoed by the jangle of glass on still air From milk bottle drunk cats My night, my streets, my homecoming parade The ink black night lays ahead Moon bereft and soulless Honey, I’m home!
I want to write Burn words into this page Cauterise feelings through poetry But nothing happens.
Definition of irony:
My blog's birthday is in 2 day's time. My first day I wrote ' well this is the last day of feeling sorry for myself, at the mo, well I have a broken heart and lots of stuff is hollow....sure there's a lot of good stuff too, but hey I'm feeling sorry for myself so that can wait till tomorrow.'
Here's to tomorrow then eh? some things never change.
posted by Listener at 11:04 PM
I miss them so much. Not that they have actually moved yet - but I miss them still, I miss them not being here next weekend, I miss regular contact, I miss them making me keep getting up to cut melon up, make hot chocolate, to provide all manner of foods because they are hungry, I miss tucking them in and reading them sotries and them nagging me to get up with them, I miss Katheirne waking first and wanting to take 5 minutes to choose a video and Bryony coming in for a lazy waking up hug that ended in tickling, I miss making a website work properly for them, I miss knowing what they are into, Bryony taking ages to sort her hair out, I miss sitting in the bathroom while they have a bath, I miss planning day trips and taking them on them , I miss xmas plays and sports days, brithday parties and seeing all the latest U and PG movies. I miss shopping for them every other Thursday, having messy art sessions and 'choose some clothes for me dad', i miss them being lazy and me doing it for them.
I am lucky, I was never just a Sunday Dad but I was also something less of a full time parent - we got the best of the times, and I got to 'spoil' them (tho not wholly), to jam pack a weekend with treats, to push a few boundaries and bend a few rules.
But mostly I got see be a part of their lives - whatever is said (and those who have thank you, it is all valid and true) the love will never go, they will still need me and we will still be a part of each other - but our time now will not be the norm, there will be less of the routine, of the familiarity - we will be playing catch up on the time that's passed not building for the time we will have.
Its changed, the emphasis has shifted - I no longer feel I am seeing things from the same table but rather from across the way, lokking in on their lives, familiar and welcome, but on the edge.
I thought we were going to get away with it this weekend. The whole time was lovely, we laughed and enjoyed and didn't have any obvious weight of inevitability hanging over us - once or twice maybe it nearly broke over us - but mostly it was fun.
And then 5 minutes from home, singing loud to our fave compilation CDs, Bryony next to me her hand on my knee, my arm stretched backwards into Kate's on the back seat, Bryony whispered " Katherine is crying Daddy' and looked away. I adjusted the mirror (flashback 7 years, Bryony in the back seat sad because despite a wonderful hour in the swing park she had remembered I was 'leaving' tomorrow) and Katherine's beautiful face, a face most often shining and radient with an easy, accepting happiness that graces her life, crumpled and tear-strained.....we pulled over, Bryony too had started, a mirror of my eyes......we held each other, ungainly-and-not-bothered across and through the car seats, any contact more than enough in the confined surroundings. And we cryed for a while.
A little later, pulled over into a layby once more, although this time alone I wondered if it was better now that at least it was upon us, the waiitng, the impending moment had passed? The wave had broken over us, we had survived of course, but all I can really think of is that in 6 weeks we will have to do it all again.
posted by Listener at 10:39 PM
So confession time.
I really fucked up big time with D. a couple of weeks back - I said something really horrible. The funny thing is I didn't actually mean it - it came into my head and out it popped like it was 'an issue' - which it wasn't and now I can't take it back. We didn't argue as such, but I upset her and whilst I whave apologised and explained how stupid it was, I am - it lingers and I cannot, as much as I'd like to, make it stop lingering.
I'm so stupid! Generally I do tend to say the first thing that comes into my head - sometimes that's ok sometimes its not - I just don't think about things, I act and react mostly spontaneously - in all aspects of my life and that can be a problem at times.
And then when I am talking about stuff, important stuff, I get excited, my voice quickens and raises in volume (a family trait) - I can appear angry, anxious, het-up - but I'm not I'm just......passionate....if that makes sense.....when I care it shows, I can't help that, my heart is on my sleeve, it always has been, I can't do cold and hard and dispassionate, I can't do logical and rational - it can make me seem overbearing and, knowing this, I push harder. D. is senstive, not over-sensitive, just sensitive, she listens to all the words I say, takes them all in and htinks about them....and she holds back too, she thinks she is not a good communicator - I know when she wants to say something, something that matters she does it in a way, with a clarity and economy of words - that I get it instantly, the whole picture opens up before me. I ramble, I cut and change midsentence, draw badly formed parallels and in an overeager attempt to seek clarity and understanding - I cause confusion and misunderstanding.
So here I am compiling errors following bad with worse - its ok, it will be ok, she knows me, knows I didn't mean to hurt her, even that I didn't quite mean what I said....but it still lingers....and it will pass only in her own time, I cannot change the passage of that time...no amount of forcing the issue, pushing for resolution....trying to atone.....even if well intended....can do that.
All I really want is for people to see me for what is right, not what is wrong - I want to move the bad rapidly into the past....so much so I push a little too hard....yes that's a little selfish, though at least I do the same in return - I forgive easily and rarely let things resurface - and D. isn't not doing that - its just taking time for her to let it go.....and I just realised all of a sudden that to make this right I have to give it a little time, give her time....and that giving it time doesn't mean it won't not go away......I can heal myself as quick as I like - I can't expect others to be the same.
I haven't mentioned here that I am in love with D.
posted by Listener at 9:30 PM
Monday, February 24, 2003
Today was ok, D.'s round tonight and we're watching crap telly :)
posted by Listener at 8:30 PM
We had the loveliest of days we left around 10ish and headed up to Greenwich via Waterloo station. We walked the short hop from station to the museum past the marketplace and the Cutty Sark. The area of Greenwich is very pretty lots of old style buildings (not sure of period but 'old' lol). The museum is so well done - it too is an old building 3 stories high - I think in a U shape but they have built a huge 2 story atrium now which is naturally lit and very spacious with various boats and yachts hanging (literally) around. All very cool - a mix of exhibits about sea travel and exploration which were mostly well laid out :)
On the third floor is a hands on area for kids with an art room that opened from 2-4 so we spent an hour and a half cutting and sticking pictures and make a model dock crane with 'Jonathan' :))
We then wandered up the Greenwich park to the Greenwich observatory where the International Dateline is :))
All in all a totally cool and lovely day (ended off with Pizza and chips!).
posted by Listener at 9:39 PM
Entirely unexpectedly I turned on my chat machine and found Roo there - now we had never chatted before and know each other through both our seperate strong friendships with Ariel but easily slipped into chatting away - t'was totally ace and just what I needed else I would have slipped into melancholy - thanks babe :))
We played guess the lyrics - challening each other - and I raced to an easy lead - but we ended up pretty much even - lol and I have some ace tracks to now try to get hold of :)))
i felt very strange going down to pick them up, very heavy hearted and a bit nervous. The girls were ok, excited I think form the aprties and just finishing school and saying goodbyes. Kate seems quite clingy, Bryony ok - we'll see how the weekend develops. I just want to have the best time with them :)
I am trying not to think about tomorrow then turning into Sunday and......
.....so I'm not going to talk about it.
D. has been wonderful all week - I wanted to get the girls a present and she came up witht the idea of Dreamcatchers and found a shop near to work and came with me to choose and has just been really cool about stuff and lovely - thank you hun :)) xxx
the girls loved them btw - I got Kate a creamy coloured one and Bryony a white one :))))
If you'd like your bubble burst drop me a mail and I will do so - or see Chris' comments - me's a spoil sport - and a sad spod ;-)
And the lovely Lorien was intorduced to these - stunning - they provoked emotions and even memories in some bizarre way :)
posted by Listener at 12:18 AM
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
I think/hope my poem worked out - this one is close to my heart - with love to.....Roo, Floyd, Ripsaw and many more.......but mostly my msue Ariel who showed me how to really see something very very special :)
Tales of Mann
I lay, I sleep, I dream of falling through time ancient Through clouds and mist to the sea below Mann rises and catches me, and I land On emerald quilted grass
The clouds sigh and the sun kisses me awake The wide sky stretches to the wet all around Snaefell holds me and I awake a king of all I see King of this fair-viewed land
I drift down through Onchan, Niarbyl and past Tynwald Hill The ache of the ancient speaks to me of magic The smell of wild garlic, rape seed and salt fresh air Lulls me, carries me onward
At Port Erin mackeral swim in haven safe seas Playing and teasing fat gulls and fishermen Singing ‘Chase me! Catch me, smoke me to a kipper And eat me for your tea”
Ariel the sprite laughs in the tempest at Peel Ariel the mermaid sings of beautiful Ben-Varry Ariel the faerie dances, gathering cotton and cakes For the Little People’s tea
Ariel kisses the princess awake And once more they’re homeward bound Magic, myth and faerie tales I’m no stranger to this land
Driving to work - what a beautiful morning - I thought slipping mood changes as easily as I changed gear - The Pretenders Night In My Veins was on the CD - oh yeah....it feels good.....searching google for lyrics I found what looks a darned cool Winamp Lyric Plug-in to try when I get home :)
This site is one of the only two I have found that has the lyrics to Brand New Start so it must be pretty darned cool!
Note to self get more of The Pretenders in my collection :)
And I cannot not say a HUGE thank you to lovely comments from y'all, especially Pegasong who I will miss :)
If it comes off tonight I have an ace idea for a poem ;-)
posted by Listener at 9:10 AM
Loss Of Faith
Unfathomable Imponderable Undeniable Insistent
Reality dawns Day's dream fades And the nightmares Sense their time is now Amongst us
The ragged flock gather Kneeling like craven images Worshipping fate’s whims And the faith of destiny As the dogs of tomorrow Worry at their heels and The vultures of time past Circle and light their path
Abandon all hope At the dream-dashed doors Fall upon dream-died alters Of whim and fancy as Those pacts we enter into When we confessed the ideals Of hope and something other Are shown to be misbegotten
Reality dawns Day dreams fade And the nightmares Know their time is now Amongst us
so many faces in and out of your life, some will last some will just be now and then
life is a series of hellos and goodbyes I'm afraid its time for goodbyes again.
Billy Joel - yeah - really love some of his early stuff. These words, from say goodbye to Hollywood, really mean something to me. I haven't been blogging to much these days, at least it feels that way, back in the early days I would ramble on about life and love and stuff......this would fuel poems....poems don't come so easily either, really......I think this is a time thing - I don't spend so much time 'creatively' as I did a while back - I'm gonna search that out again, explore my music and art and poetry.....look into my soul again because I haven't really been there for a while.
So goodbyes, had an email from Pegasong, says she's leaving the blogging world, this made me think about goodbyes, about changes in life that mark your time on earth.And of course the girls going away - I said goodbye to them once, moved into a different timeframe where I saw them less but at least often - I don't want to say goodbye to them again - they are 11 and 7 and embarking on a big adventure they know really not what, I can't have a big goodbye as such, can't get emotional , can't rationalise with them before and after about what it all means, they are not adults, they cannot disseminate all the information carried within such words - so it'll be a big hug, an 'I love you' and 'I'll miss you'....and hollow (to me) 'it'll be alrights'..........
I said goodbye to someone once and it broke my heart....I think I was strong at the time then I kinda fell apart and it took a while to get back on track.....that was an adult relationship and there was room to maneuver within the sadness, to reflect and reconcile and weigh up and evaluate.....and time to find something other within that relationship and to move on.....but there were options and choices and factors on both sides that made that possible.....not here, this is not my choice, this is one of those things you muse upon late at night - one of the what-ifs' that you can never really comprehend or know how you feel because its not something you can imagine. Maybe its selfish for someone who left the children once to feel that this is so unfair - but I think this is different - I may have left them 'day to day' but I never went away........
I want this week to fly by - to be in the new state of being, yet I don't want it to, I don't want to have the girls for the 'last time'.
Its not final I know.....but its the end of a chapter, no its the end of a book, the end of the second part of a trilogy and the reader is left not really sure where the third book is going to lead, how its going to work out, what the ending will be.
But then as unexpected as this was maybe there will be a part four, five, six.......maybe its just life and it will all work itself out as it has a habit of doing.
Maybe whatever, once Monday dawns bright and new, I'll just get on with it and make it the best possible.........
posted by Listener at 11:41 PM
Monday, February 17, 2003
I just don't know how to describe how I am feeling.
I have the girls next weekend - 48.5 hours, then they go to Scotland.
All of a sudden I don't know how to deal with it!
posted by Listener at 12:56 AM
Sunday, February 16, 2003
Bah! Funny weekend, Bryony was a bit fractious, we argued as we got in the car to go home - think we were both feeling it a little. Went to The Ceramics Cafe in Farnham today which was fun.
Had a nice time at Ma and Pa's on Saturday - and me and the girls met my sis and her boyf to get phtoos taken as a surprise for mum.
Feeling a bit down and not up for much really....gonna veg with crap TV :))
posted by Listener at 9:44 PM
Villanelle Blues
Its nine in the morning and I’m lying half awake Man I got me some kind of blues Its hot in the morning and I’m longing for the lake
I get up and find water to quench last nights intake Man I got me some kind of blues Follow water with coffee but food I must forsake
Its nine in the morning and I’m sure I’ve got plans to make Man I got me some kind of blues Its hot in the morning and the sun is starting to bake
And I’ve got myself all filled up with this heartache Man I got me some kind of blues I’ve started to think now how this life is such a fake
Its nine in the morning and I just can’t seem to wake Man I got me some kind of blues Its hot in the morning and my heart’s burnt up like a steak
Its nine in the morning and I cannot get a break Man I got me some kind of blues Its hot in the morning and I’m feeling like an earthquake Its hot in the morning and I’m longing for the lake
More about the Villanelle style here :-)
posted by Listener at 12:29 AM
Saturday, February 15, 2003
Somehow - for D.
Somehow I lost my way And somehow you reached out And guided me back home again Somehow
I love sport!! What could be better than a whole month of The Cricket World Cup well the Six Nations fpor a start - England FRance what an opener :))
posted by Listener at 12:33 AM
Happy Valentine's Day y'all - love'n'hugs to all :))
D. and I had a lovely 'V Day', I cooked dinner for us while she had a long relaxing bath - I got some scented candles and wrote a poem which I gave to her in a frame - and she got me Under Milk Wood which Richard Burton narrates and is a classic - am going to listen to it Sunday when I ahve time and can chill with it properly :))
She also made me the loveliest chocoalte brownies with cool Valentine like icing - yum :)
All in all a very chilled and realxing and romatic eveing - I do feel V Day should be more about the thought than the 'money' and do feel it shoudl be any day not just one day - so this fitted the bill perfectly :)
Got the girls tucked up in bed now, we're down at Ma and Pa's tomorrow but haivng a photo done with my sister first as a present for them....we had one donwe a couple fo years ago with my then girlfriend which mum keeps up but takes down when me and the girls go round - bless!!!
Had a totally cool evening last night with my mate Stevie - we haven't been out for beers for way too long - we trotted down to a local pub with top London Pride and great food and chat. We then headed back to mine to talk music and songs and poetry. Stevie's been writing and recording music since I have known him at university and he gave me a sneak preview of his latest stuff which was ace - I'll load up an mp3 later - his mate/producer has loaded some up on mp3.com here here although there should be more songs and last night the three links all went to the same song - if the links are fixed now Making Paper Planes is my fave :) !!
Special treat planned for D. tonight as its V Day tomorrow and I have the girls - more later don't wnat to spoil anything by giving the game away ;-)
posted by Listener at 9:05 AM
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
Surfing around - I noticed Gert went to a recent blog meetup - it loked good fun, I'm on the mailing list - just haven't got around to it yet - maybe I will now :))
Ariel was tlaking about Freelove the other day, inspired by a song by Depeche Mode but she's made it her anthem (or one of them) as only she can, pEg picked up the baton which led me to Let's Get it on by Marvin Gaye - cool toon - and I'm now listening to Marvin's What's Going On :))
I don't feel as I have written too much poetry of late - my minds is a bit of a whirl with words and phrases and ideas at the moment......and out popped this.....I think there will be more later :)
Unsolved Mysteries
My thoughts drip Rainbow bright On vitriol black Like oil on clear water Disparate and random Shifting and transient
No chemistry here No reaction possible To emulsify or transform Agitation is a state of mind Chaos my natural order Uncertainty a constant
Equations of the mind Affairs of the heart Paradigm and paradox Unsolved and unproven Eternal quest to reach The conclusion of life
Had a really cool email from Ripsaw last night which made me feel comforted - just commenting on the girls and 'empathising'.
Was going to blog and do poetry lots last night but got a splitting headache so just vegged in front of TV.
I went to the gym this morning so feel very virtuous - am starting to get into it (as I knew I would) and am pushing myself a little harder each time as I start to get fitter. Can I get all Bridget Jones for a minute or two - lol? Everyone has something they want to change about themselves don't they? I don't worry too much about that really - but I have always had a bit of a paunch (or a bit more of a punch these days) - its were it all goes if I let myself go - I have always wanted a flat stomach and even when I was doing regular gym workouts it was still there - guess I am not prepared to forego the alcohol and occasionally bad foodstuffs to really get it - but hopefully it will 'decrease' somewhat over the next few weeks.
Well I am in work now so had better do something :)
posted by Listener at 12:03 PM
Friday, February 07, 2003
I have no idea why but feel really chilled - YAY its Friday. I just got in from work - am working tomorrow but nothing to stressy just 11ish (am going to gym first - heh) to 6ish (when D.'s meeting me ay work and we are coming beck to mine for a lazy evening and looooooooooooooooooong Sunday lie-in :).
Work was ok this week - my line-boss is also my work pack boss att he mo and he is quite a chilled and cool chap - doesn't get over excited or over reactive - tells everyone to rack off while he gets things sorted, lines people up to a specific role then leaves them clear of other crap to get on with - all lessons many others could learn. Consequently whilst its been a hard week its not been manic and its actually felt productive - YAY!!!
The's a lot happening at VoicesNet which is exciting - I don't think I mentioned at the time, and don't want to dwell now, but it went through an odd time a few weeks back, some changes were made to the forum to accommodate increased traffic and the wider readership it was getting, some people objected, it all got out of hand, it went down for a week for some more changes but methinks also to give everyone some space - but it came back, less a few people (who I do miss but respect their right to a different opinion - though methinks if they had respected that right earlier it may not have got so bad) but plus a few more and is as vibrant and friendly and interesting as ever. I am a moderator there now which is a great honour and huge fun....well pretty much like when I was just a contributor actually because I so enjoy reading the work of others and commenting :)
On 'net stuff getting out of hand the lovely Kacroon is going quiet for a while - *hugs* hun :(
I found out that the respectively and equally lovely pEg and Nikki had been reading for a while and now I read them too - how cool is that? :))
I started using my Buffy mousemat again - it didn't seem to suit my optical mouse but have discovered that as long as you use the mouse in alignment with the mat its fine - does that make sense? rofl - I meant that the mouse mat needs to be square to the table and so must my hand so the mouse moves at right angles to the edges - having the mat skewed at an angle stops the mouse working.
Yeah ok, sorry about devoting that much space to it but my mat is important to me :)
I got an invite to the isle of Man - a mate I used to work with over there is having a birthday arty at the end of April - which ties in nicely with my plans to go and see Ariel (who also knows him) so pretty damned cool all around :))
Got in from work late which rather buggered up the plans with D. - am gonna call her soon :)
Read around my links and some new ones - there is so much going on out there am going to do a catch up post soon and add the links....
posted by Listener at 10:35 PM
Ariel rocks :) phoned her late at night and she listened to many a chunter and replied in perfect sense.......as ever.....thanks hun :))) xxx
I sense an almighty happening is upon me....like the threads that i have pursued and pursue me are intertwining and reachig the end where the threads get shorter and the closenss bcome inter-twined - do I tie the knot off and make them complete or do I leave them (all or some) to dangle....unfinished...to spray and dis-entangle themselves???
i had my hair cut short the other day - I am Samson - lol :))
posted by Listener at 1:08 AM
Wednesday, February 05, 2003
The events of the weekend with the Challneger leave me sad and humbled.....alll the bravery, the exploration, the fearlessness.....the hope......the sadnesss....the essence of humanity.......the talk of budgets, of the point, of why?.....why?......somehow its the essence of life.........we seem to spend more time debating the point of war on earth....yet is not our essence more in striving to be better, striving to explore, striving to learn?
Sorry I rarely get ''political''....because it always seems to miss the point....this is my my humble offering.......
For The Rocketman
I have not seen my life Paled into reality As from afar others see The truth of humanity
Am I a rocket man I sit here and gaze high I'm star bound and wayward Dreaming my dreams
I dare to explore life But my realm is earthbound I sacrifice little In comparison
I have not yet tried To push a little more In search of other things Not just for my self
Content to seek hope In what is out there I have not dared die For that which you care
post script - I kind of feel Rocket man is a un-pc misnomer - but I believe man is ubiquitous here and not gender specific.....trust its ok..........
posted by Listener at 11:18 PM
I'm even feckin' cring at big goodbyes in soap operas now!!!!!!!!!!!!
So Stevie is not well so we've postponed again till next week, I have to go to Reading for a week or so to pick up crap-work-because-someone-is-leaving :(( Irritating as its gonna muck upo my gym plans - I did the abs express at lunchtime -man it hurt!!!!!!
posted by Listener at 8:51 PM
What a beautiful day -crisp and clear - drove in listening to U2 - oh yeah!
posted by Listener at 8:23 AM
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
So we decided to split up, but still had to tell the girls, Kate wasn't even 2 so there was nothing to say to her really, but Bryony was nearly 5.....Bryony and I were hugely close, she would always be awake when I got up for work and she'd watch me shave and we'd have breakfast together and chat. Back then I pretty much always got home by 5.30/6 and always looked after them till they went to bed, cook their teas, give them baths, read them stories. Bryony would follow me round the house and get into whatever I was doing. a. had a part time job at the leisure center and often worked evenings or one day a weekend so I had lots of time with my girls.
It was I think the hardest thing in the world to tell Bryony......we did it together and all she said was "will you still be coming to my birthday party' - she would be 5 in two weeks. The next day or so till I actually left was a mix, sometimes she was fine then I guess she remembered and went quiet and sad.
I remember being worried that I would not have that closeness with Kate......I don't mean this in a terribly horrible way, and don't want to explain the details, but I guess A. wanted with Kate what me and Bryony had.....there were reasons why we were so close, and I guess deep down she knew it was wrapped up in her behavior and actions, and so there was an element of over compensation with Kate. In hindsight these fears were needless, if anything Kate and I are in some ways closer than me and Bryony...because Kate and I are very similar in personality, pretty easy going and non-competitive, we feed off little things, whereas Bryony needs more 'show'.
When I left it was with one suitcase and 2 boxes - although I did later take the (my) hifi too as I was just too depressed in my little cold bedsit and couldn't afford a TV or anything. I'd have the girls one day every weekend, I'd go down on the train and bring them back to the room. I'd got some pens and paper from work and brought some cheap toys. I remember once being unable to hold back tears at how pathetic and hopeless it all seemed - Bryony saw and gave me a hug - in one of those stunning bursts of adult clarity a 5 year old can be capable of she said 'its ok Daddy it won't always be like this'. we'd cook tea together.
In the first 8 months I did spend a lot of time away with work - I couldn't face the cold flat, and took the chance to gather a bit of money together. But by the next summer I was seeing the girls every other weekend - except for work I have never not seen them - 5pm Friday until 7pm Sunday. I think work counted for about 10 whole weekends in 7 years and as many individual days. That 30 days out of 7x26x2=364, not many, less if you count holidays and Bank Holiday weekends, school plays, sports days. I was always picked up the girls and dropped them back at the door, even for the 2 years I had no car. I cycled 25 miles on Boxing Day once as the trains were not running. I have always done their homework on my weekends, always given them a balanced diet, taken them to their parties, clubs, events, had rules. We tell each other we are missing each other, we say 'I love you', we talk about good times past, and those to come, we enjoy all the special moments
I am not a bitter person, I rarely look back, except to reinforce lessons hard-learnt. I am not angry about this turn of events, I genuinely feel nothing towards A. for it. But I am sad, so sad that so much is going to be taken away from me. I remember when the girls were younger, every fortnight they were different, their tastes, their favourites things - food, games, TV etc....was always changing. When I see them next they will be different - they will always be different each time - and there'll be less time to catch up. Of course in many ways they won't change. I am being dramatic - we will always love each other and share our bonds that tie....but....
I know nothing is changing but its gone, its really gone, I know, its not really life till its all gone wrong..............
.............but there must be a reason........
Sorry, this was meant to be stories about me and the girls that made me smile......didn't mean for it to get so......well you know......
posted by Listener at 11:54 PM
I had THE funniest moment at the pub quiz tonight - the can't stop laughing, get it under control then start again kind. All very childish really but soooooo funny. This may loose something in the retelling but trust me it was feckin' hilarious at the time. Oh and I make no apologies for the crass nature of this tale!
So at the quiz they have the main quiz and then the snowball. The snowball is three (hard) questions and if there is no winner the prize mony nsowballs over to the next week. Now to build suspense the landlord reads out everyone's answers before giving the correct one. Question number 1 was "who was the president of China between 1928 and 1931?".
Now we had no idea but Ed (Ian's flatmate) started making up stupid answers (based on drunked orederings at a chinese restaraunt). For example, No 12 Pork Em Yung or No 69 Too Can Choo.....we opted for "Cream of Sum Yung Gai".....and he read it out....RESULT....and everyone laughed - in fairness as we were totally cracking up when he came over the landlord knew what was going on - but still read it out - soooo funny!!!!
Oh we lost btw - lol ;-))
posted by Listener at 11:19 PM
Not enouhg time! Went to pub with Ian to meet his new lady and an old frined we used to work with. Cool!
Got quiz tomorrow then seeing Stevie Wednesday. Have to work saturday but not sunday - YAY! :)
Not enough time to get round blogs and write poems and do things here and visit the poem forum :( Jumped around tonight between all of them....a lots happening for a lot of people out here it seems *thoughts* to everyone - if I don't comment I often read, if I don't read I often think - hope tha's ok :)) xxx
posted by Listener at 1:12 AM
And this is just 'a la Listener' - lol
Here’s how it works
Here’s how it works
Here’s how it works Our bodies move To one rhythm The same heartbeat Steals our minds Guides our feet Limbs meld into one Shared breath marks time Skin scent inhaled Intoxicates Our moment now No need to ask Were two minds here Here’s how it works
We played Mousetrap tonight - Bryony sniggered when I mentioned we'd put the balls in at the end (the ball bearing and the 'bowling ball' - else the trap gets set off all the time) -I am gald she feels comfportable enough to do this tho did give her a stern look and didn't laugh back!!!
She later told me that she and her best friend looked up 'body-words' in the dictionary and it was really funny - I shared with her that I had done that as a child too.
In the former instance I felt she needed to know that it wasn't necessarily 'funny' - she was being 'child-like and didn't think it appropriate to snigger back - adults don't snigger when they say 'balls' - but I didn't explain all that of course.....in the latter instance I felt she was 'sharing' something with me, yes it was equally childish but she was choosing to tell me something, share something with me.
Bryony shares her 'adolesence' with me, talks to me about stuff....... I'm not sure I am going to have that 'honest-closeness' with Katherine as she goes through the pre-teens and teenage years......I worry that with the distance and time between contact she will one day come down have a shyness and a 'distance' that she will see me as the opposite sex rather than someone she can talk to about stuff....then again I think Katherine breezes through life caring and noticing and worrying far less than some people do......I don't mean she is not sensitive nor caring nor considerate.....just that she takes things in her stride much more......I think that's is a good thing.
posted by Listener at 12:55 AM
When Bryony was born she (typically as it turns out lol) had to make an entrance......36 hours and pretty much having gone through the full compliment of things that could happen during labour, later out she popped.....we held her and loved her instantly and I was on cloud 9....I remember walking down to town the next day and I was different, I thought 'ehy everyone look at me I'm a dad....does it show?'...she stayed in hospital 11 days as she got jaundiced. When I rushed back from work because A's waters had broken I had to park on double yellows out the back whilst I went in to get A...as I came out a traffic warden was giving me a ticket, he looked sceptical as I explained I was taking my 'in-labour' wife to hospital until she walked out after me!!!! I had to appeal the ticket but they did let me off!
Katherine entered this world with relatively little fuss, I cut her chord, held her, bathed her that very evening. I couldn't wait to tell Bryony the next day and to take her shopping for a present and down to the hospital to see her new baby sister.
I loved being a father from the first moment of each of their lives. I was always involved. I didn't want to miss a moment.
I don't recall any 'grand plans' any 'here's a chance to do something right' or 'I have someone else to think of'....I mean I don't think it changed who I was.....it just changed what I was.
The girl's they are who they are....they will be who they will be......but I have had, and do have, and will have a big part in their lives......always.
We made cakes this afternoon, they got messy and ate more mixture than ended up getting cooked....then we played some games and I read Katherine a storey in bed.........
posted by Listener at 12:09 AM
Saturday, February 01, 2003
New banner lyric - the last one was too easy I guess .......you gotta lose yourself in the moment, you own it....yeah of course it was Eminem.....but is this really why THIRTY TWO people answered - rofl - I asume so and its why I got four times as many as the last quiz - I think I may have been a little tougher this time - go on guess if you don't know - heh ;-) posted by Listener at 1:14 AM
Pinch punch first of the month!!!
No returns!!
Picked the girls up from ma and pa's - YAY - I love them so much y'know (no really - lol) - Bryony is having some ructions at scholl with 'firends' - they're teasing her about Scotland - now Bryony doesn't always have the most easy going of attitudes to being teased - but I think somewhere in there is the 'anxiety' of the uncertainty.
Anyhooooo.....it snowed yesterday!!! And I got stuck in the traffic jam that was formerly know as North London/Essex/Hertfordshire - I was bringing D. back from an appointment in Central London and it took 5 and a half hours to do 20 miles :(((
Aww well....not much else to add at the mo....but I'm ok....think my last poem may worry people....but I am ok I think.....have a great weekend y'all :D
posted by Listener at 12:24 AM
Spirits of love
The souls of the sad
Dance out this tango
In a minor key
Da da da da daaaaah
Take my hand
My dear
My card is marked
With your name
Step as one
This last time
Our final dance
Perfect timing
As the music dies
We take our leave More Of My Poems
02/01/2002 - 02/28/2002
03/01/2002 - 03/31/2002
04/01/2002 - 04/30/2002
05/01/2002 - 05/31/2002
06/01/2002 - 06/30/2002
07/01/2002 - 07/31/2002
08/01/2002 - 08/31/2002
09/01/2002 - 09/30/2002
10/01/2002 - 10/31/2002
11/01/2002 - 11/30/2002
12/01/2002 - 12/31/2002
01/01/2003 - 01/31/2003
02/01/2003 - 02/28/2003
03/01/2003 - 03/31/2003
04/01/2003 - 04/30/2003
05/01/2003 - 05/31/2003
06/01/2003 - 06/30/2003
07/01/2003 - 07/31/2003
08/01/2003 - 08/31/2003
09/01/2003 - 09/30/2003
10/01/2003 - 10/31/2003
11/01/2003 - 11/30/2003
12/01/2003 - 12/31/2003
01/01/2004 - 01/31/2004
02/01/2004 - 02/29/2004
03/01/2004 - 03/31/2004
04/01/2004 - 04/30/2004
05/01/2004 - 05/31/2004
06/01/2004 - 06/30/2004
07/01/2004 - 07/31/2004
08/01/2004 - 08/31/2004
09/01/2004 - 09/30/2004
10/01/2004 - 10/31/2004
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