K so here's an insght into some ideas I've got going on at the mo' -do us a fave - tell us if you see anything you like.....cheers:)
In the cigarette haze and drink fuelled days I try to stop and to count the ways I promised my self release from this phase........................
Dear Jane, you made it worse Took my song and made it worsed Dear Jane now I live like I am cursed Took my life, stole my shirt................
I am thinking that one day baby I’ll teach you to fly and maybe The monsters that chase you When they walk round you head Will be left on the ground As you fly instead.....................
The night split wide and the light came And we woke and we were changed.....................
The day cracked like an egg shell All heat and light and sound and smell.................
Time flies And what lies Beneath the sighs Of passing years And wasted tears And all the fears......................
And I am me and you stand still I cannot see quite what you will................
And a fine song in a minor key The blues we’ve done now you and me................
More than real Forget to feel Trying to steal A piece of me To set it free From reality...............
Time is a moment spent in space Surrounded by you and in this place..................
Sing the blues and going mad Sing of the time I felt so sad................
Fuck!!! (ooooh sorry about that but......)Voices net just made me Poet In Residence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugely unexpectedly chuffed :) been invovled there for a year nearly and as I have said before I do love it - been a bit busy of late to really spend huge time there and also have been helping on techy problem side (lolo me Webmaster!!!! - rofl) when I do visit.....I do just feel hugely honoured and undeserving :) will smile for days now......
posted by Listener at 11:30 PM
I make no excuses for mentioning BB - I think it is a big deal - lol - so Anuska's gone - not wholly sure what but there was something about her I liked ;-)
posted by Listener at 10:36 PM
Thursday, May 29, 2003
Gosh its hot! heh not moaning just stating the obvious :)
Work going well, off out for a couple of beers with work tonight.
I had a really strong memory of my grandparents (on my mum's side) earlier today. Someone mentioned the ferry between Portsmouth and Gosport - they used to take me across on that when we went to see my auntie.....I remember often at weekends (well once a month or so) when mum and dad went out staying at their house - it was ace - all the usual getting treats type stuff - but also just warm and loving and comfortable. My Gran died of Altzheimer's relatively young (in her early 60s), I was 15 or so and it was very, very sad, but I still have so many fond and happy memories from my childhood. My Grandad was a lovely man, a real character with lots of stories, he lived to hold Bryony which made him wonderfully happy and I happy too. ( i would add that whilst I was less close to my Grandparents on Dad's side - there too lie happy memories - especially of Sunday teas and playing i their graden and then later various card games for ones and two pence pieces - big money). Today I was just reminded of some happy childhood times and it felt good.
posted by Listener at 5:54 PM
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
The bestest thing about your girlfriend moving in is they drive home from pub quiz (which we one cause of a blinding answer from me and even more from D.!!!) and I get pished - lol :)
PS Actually that's nowhere near the bestest thing - and she isn't looking over my shoulder - heh :)
PPS the bestest thing is I can hug her share loads of stuff just whenever I want :)
posted by Listener at 12:29 AM
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
Lots of catch up stuff. The wedding reception was ace - the bride's family are from India and so the DJ was spinning loads of Bangra which is ace fun to dance too :)
Got back late afternoon Sunday after stopping at D.'s old flat and picking up most of the important stuff - though D. wasn't feeling too well (I say hangover lol) so we just chilled and stuff. monday spent unpacking and gardening and stuff and then went to se.....
Matrix Reloaded (lets face it no link required here as the whole world must know what its about!!!) - really enjoyed it tho I did think some of the plot got a bit lost in translation and some of the effects didn't quite work (the 'hyped' scene where Neo fights 100 agent's smith's just looked a tad too much like a computer game!!!) - that said it pushed some boundaries still and i think intoduced a lot of dieas that will come to fruition in the next installment - cannot wait - heh :)
Started new job today - went ok - still finding my feet really.
Hsave I mentioned i am really happy - espeically now D.'s living here....it feels right :)
posted by Listener at 7:33 PM
Saturday, May 24, 2003
I have mentioned before that I am pretty impressed by NTL and thier broadband service - they have a pretty good customer help too - ftp now working :)
posted by Listener at 6:33 PM
D. and I are going to a murder mystery next weekend and I needed to get an outfit - the setting is that all the characters are performing in a pantomime so I needed an Arabian Prince outfit with flowing robes etc - heh - have tried a couple of fancy dress shops but to no avail but I found an ace one today who were really helpful and I got quite a cool looking out fit - I am quite excited now :)
spent the afternoon wrestling with my NTL webspace - when I signed up I used Listener as my username but that is what they also use for the webspace, which I didn't really want as I was going to set up a page for the girls to look at and use...however if I change my user name I cannot then use listener as an email address....hmmm....I get something like 15 email accounts so thought I could change my user name and then just re-apply for listener but it didn't let me - possibly its just taking a while to release the old username ??? Anyhow either way I cannot even get the ftp working so will have to ponder it all some more :)
posted by Listener at 4:15 PM
Funny old week at work - was supposed to go for a chat on Wednesday re new role and it turned into a full blown 2 hour interview - all 'if this happened wat would you do' type stuff.....kinda weird - anyhow that kind of thing doesn't really phase me - am more miffed that it transpires some people in the compnay have concerns about me doing the job!! However not the person I am going to be working for nor HR so its ok really - just a reflection on how crap the last year has been and how I have suffered due to 'organisational deficiencies'. Its funny I have only ever had good vibes and positivie reactions from colleagues and customers and anyone whom I have worked with in previous jobs....and even the first year or so in this one.....think I prefer to draw on that than any negativeness from the past few months.
And I know I can do the job - there is line management involved which I have really wanted to get into (and onto my CV) so its all new and exciting and challenging - all in all its been a good week I guess :)
Plans for weekend are to chill and go to a wedding reception tomorrow 9with d. but she's going to the whole thing), then move more (most) of D.'s stuff across.....she's not here tonight so this is as she says my last night of true singledom - heh.......Sunday we are going to see the matrix Reloaded - hugely excited by this - I don't expect the plot to be too tight from all accounts but the effects and whole 'experience' should be awesome :)
K tea's a cookin'.......
posted by Listener at 7:55 PM
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
Its worth remembering just what I have got.......it won't reach high on some people's personal Richter scale....it will eclipse others....but this is my life.....and in it I have seen and shared and loved and laughed and melted and felt and wondered and sometimes I have stood......on a harbourside in Australia at sunset, in a monsoon in Bangladesh, on a cliff by a castle on the Isle of Man, on a hillside in Thailand, in the mist in Athens, and a square in Zurich, 10,000 feet aboce Cube or on a rooftop in Copenhagen, an escalator in Hong Kong or a theme park in America......and I have thought to myself.......what a wonderful world................
My relfection in travel accentuates that no matter whrere I am I have a capacity to immerse in the simple hapiness of life....of my life.....right now I can stand in the window of my flat and feel happier then I have ever felt.....yet sadder, if I chose, than I thought I would be....and there have been sad things that felt like the bottom.....but my thoughts now, will drift to one person and one face.......sometimes life will weigh heavy, and the dross of the everyday will occupy my thoughts more than I would, on reflection want or wish........but I will soon return to that face, this place....and smile.....that....this....is really just the best....ever.
Do you remember when the wind came? Low and soft across the hills All gentle tugging and hints of something more An incessant caress Telling us how it would be
Do you remember how it felt then? The day when the wind came Rising and ragged and leaving us breathless An insistent embrace Showing us where it would end
Do you remember when the wind left? And the dew soft rain fell Washing ourselves soul deep and guilt free Fading reality The memory more real
It was good to see the girls, and where they live now and everything.....but it also made me sad. It also seemed to accentuate the physical gulf and in some ways they felt further apart from me.
I don't know whether this is 'in my imagination'. Its the thing I am most worried about, that each time I see them they will be a little bit older, a little bit different.......maybe I am too worried about it. Oh I dunno, its cool really I guess, I always feel a little down after seeing them.
Not much else to report, work is ok, quiet and a bit odd. the lovely D. is as lovely as ever, slowly moving stuff across....gonna do most of it next weekend :)
posted by Listener at 9:37 PM
Sunday, May 18, 2003
And I would drive five hundred miles and I would drive five hundred more.....just to spend 9 hours with my two girls - lol :)
Actually it was more like 350 miles each way - lucky for me traffic was good both ways.
Had a good day seeing where the girls now live......but I'm knackered, from driving back.....more later
posted by Listener at 12:52 AM
I hatre web based mail - can't get listener as an addy on any of the usual suspects but now manx.net has stopped its POP feature and NTL never had it - grrrrrrrr :o/
posted by Listener at 9:45 PM
Uh-Huh! Oh Yeah!!! We're going to see Paul Weller in July - have it :D
So there's being a bit of a restructure at work - looks like I'm moving departmens - this is good, I get on well with the guy I am going to work for and there's a lot happening over there - way better than where I am which is still deadend and still sidelined - looking forward to it - maybe a week or two :)
I'm staying at D.'s tomorrow then am off up to Scotland - back later Saturday - looking forward to seeing the girls :)
posted by Listener at 8:51 PM
I'm retiring a happy man.......not because of some mundanity on TV, but because it makes me feel warm and cuddly about people.
Maybe its just release as I had some good news at work today and some worries I'd been having have been eased : - more later - me's knackered )
posted by Listener at 12:11 AM
Have it Phil tho (finger's crossed) :)
posted by Listener at 10:12 PM
I liked this quiz - found it on the lovely Cynthia's site :)
The Stag You are protected by the spirit of the deer, swift of foot and of mind; you keep true to yourself while thinking of the good of the herd. You are an independant and free spirit, capaple of solemnity and of true bravery. As long as you stay honest with yourself the Stag will protect and serve you well. Your quote: "If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself"
All reality TV has traditionally thrived on discord, disunity and 'conflict' - they are aimed at trying to divide and split groups and break any ahrmony and uniformity that may be possible - I've studied group dynamics a bit and they are fascinating to watch purely fr5om this aspect - the way the 'show' tries to prevent the group 'forming' in any classical or traditional sense.
However......on this show (which puts 12 c-list celebs in a 'controlledi-sh' jungle in Australia for 2 weeks and each day someone has to do a 'test' (usually involving slime, insects, rats, snakes etc) to get food for the group.....last year the whole place was full of fighting and fallouts (primadonnas?)....but this time they were all really geared up to working as a team, to being fair and to be 'together'.....there's been a few minor disagreements etc but generally its worked....the biggest 'blow-up' was when the whole group 'walked out' because the food rations were not very much despite a lot of effort to win them (oh btw there's a pro chef in the group lol)......I just think its compulsive and fascinating viewing to see how they interact and deal with it..........
posted by Listener at 11:16 PM
In this world of little boxes offering very realistic entertainment I found the original Hitch Hiker's Guide to The Galaxy computer game online....go here and select 100 online games at the bottom, then enter, then look for HHGG (sorry no direct link) :)
Its totally text based game, you have to ask the right questions do the right things etc....in fact everything you have to do in modern very realistic graphics, 'cept through text..........heh - I'm not knocking the new stuff......the only reason I don't by a box of some sort of my own is that I know I'd get addicted......but I just loved this - I challenge any gamer not to get a little addicted and just as anxious/frustrated and 'just one more go'ish as they do on any of the current Top10 offerings....... Tiger I'm lookin' at you boy!!!!!! rofl - ;o)
When I was at uni the only way to produce documents was to go to the 'computer lab' and sit in front of a 'green-screen' manually typing in character formatting codes -and this wasn't that long ago - K by the time I left we had a few more 'pc's but a lot of them were ascii based still - remember Wordstar WP anyone? And what was the name of that spreadsheet (not Excel) I think it was Lotus 1-2-3????? lol those were the days...........aaaaahh boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts....hmmmm yes, oh what was the question......
PS sorry last bit there was a 'Fast Show moment prolly didn't mean much to non-brits - sorry - lol ;)
posted by Listener at 11:00 PM
Where did today go....oh yeah spent it doing very little - I had thought it was the last day of the premiership and was looking forward to listening to it onthe radio but its tomorrow!!!!!
Found this - why do these seemingly simple yet quite hard flash games still amuse me ;)
And also found this - which is awesome if you like optical illusions :D Go to this page and check out the brurning fuses option....and then worl out the how to beat the computer at matchsticks and how it guesses the numbers correctly here. I have to admit at this point I can be quite annoying at these 'wow that's clever' things and just hav to work out how they are done ;)
posted by Listener at 6:23 PM
Friday, May 09, 2003
New banner quiz is up....last one seemed harder for some.......5/18 correct...the lyric.....so let me count the times that we swore and lied, that we`d tie ourselves to the railway line Let me count the times when of course we lied, well we know no better it was no crime......is from Brand New Friend by Llyod Cole & The Commotions - master of guitar led, lyric heavy music.......not rock more late 80's indie - get some in your collection today :)
posted by Listener at 11:49 PM
When I was in my near-teens through to 15 or so I remember I used to get terribly crushes on people - they'd last for weeks - I'd be incapacitated with shyness and a self-sense of ugliness and 'geekiness' to do anything about most of them....my first girlfriend was someone who asked me to dance at the middle school leaving disco (I was 12) and I walked her home and floated the rest of the way - we stayed together through the summer - tho I was too shy to ever go round and see her!!!! Imagine that - I missed her and wanted to see her and I thought of her as my girlfriend (even though I hadn't noticed her before that dance) - but I never saw her - I had my first kiss with her shortly after starting comprehensive school - I again was shy and asked how I should do it (WTF!!!)....anyhow it ended soon after and I cried.....my first love was a girl called Cindy...for complicated reasons I couldn't call on her and term drifted into summer we knew we weren't going to be able to meet...I was excited to go back to school but she had gone off me because I didn't send her a postcard (and she did) - I thought this a tad unfair and spent a fair amount of time missing her and watching her from afar. I was 14 by now - I still think of her sometimes - more so than many others (oh but not in a if only way or anything!!!).
I thought I did quite well on the next girlfriend on the calling round and seeing her front but she split with me because we never went out (I learnt then that one needs to take a certain amount of control and that 'whatever you want to do' can be construed as 'I can't be arsed to do much' - lol). Then there was the girl who I tried to be cool and interesting with - I got dumped for being big-headed!!!!
Then at the back end of my penultimate year I met A. (she was in the other half of the school streaming structure and our paths hadn't crossed) at Parent's Evening. as summer loomed I pooled my learning on 'relationships and asked her out 'to play tennis' or something.
She said no (nicely) as she was very busy (she was actually doing several dance lessons a week). I was gutted but a week or so later she changed her mind and we ended up spending the whole summer together - I thought she was great, confident and sassy, her parents were cool and 'open minded' - yeah we spent a lot of time together and it was good......so good we stayed together happily for 2 years and for a lot longer less happily at times.
Herein lies my fatal flaw - I think I saw relationships things not to fail at - I was (am) romantic - the idea of a one and only love forever was more potent and demanding than the realities of the relationship. And also because I wasn't yet happy in my skin and not aware of it......I just let things happen without much control over my life.
I have talked about why I ended up divorced from A before and my purpose here is not to go over that again.
In fact my purpose is something far more happy and cool than all that....I will get there in a minute I promise.
I then had some girlfriends and was getting better at working out what I wanted/needed....where I was going...what worked etc....though I still made a mistake in a 3 year relationship that was as broke when it ended as it had been 3 months in....again I was more captivated by the idea it shouldn't fail....and indeed that the mismatch was something wrong with me that I could fix if I could just make them see what I was really about.
Eventually att he less than tender age of 33 I found a relationship that worked....that was based on mutual love, respect, outlooks, pleasures....everything......it wasn't destined to work out and I was sad for a while (again well documented here).....but I realise now (in fact a while ago) that this was meant to be....this was the final step perhaps in my 'coming of age' (albeit a tad belatedly.....that I had at last been taught how to love and how it works.....that its about being happy in your skin and true to yourself - and about letting yourself be loved....believing that it can work - not worrying about the future....and certainly not about changing anyone or insecurity or anything negative.......
....I am perhaps paraphrasing my thoughts now as I want to move onto today....I hope my thoughts are clear though.......
....because eventually I met D. - again the early days are well documented and I don't need nor want to go back there.......the here and now is this.....
....I love D. deeply....she makes me feel its ok to be me, she sees things in me I hardly dare to believe in or trust - things I sometimes feel are difficult to deal with and worry are my 'negative' she seems to turn around and make positive....and we fit together so well.....I have had to learn to trust that and believe in it....to abandon myself to it (part of my baggage I have always wanted to leave behind and I can with her)....and in her I see a beautiful, sensitvie, thoughtful, caring woman.....I show her how to see things differently and she teaches me to listen....to myself and to her....tho in speech she says little but to stunning effect........
D. suggested a while back that we might try living together...it works practically for us at this time and seems emotionally appropriate (oooh that may not read too well but its meant to be positive lol)....the only issue was me and my space and my 'am I ready'....and I thought on it for a while and realised that this relationship, this time and moment we share is all I really want.......I have found someone who fits my shape so well that I want to spend more time together...I want to share more with her than I do want to share things on my own.
so in a long rambly way that as ever only really makes sense to me it comes to this - D.'s moving in in a month and my flat will be our flat and our two lives will intertwine more so than before.......I am hugely excited by this....a bit scared too but I think the scary bits will be ok because we are quite good at dealing with them. Its funny - I feel so confident about all the good bits I am tempted to gloss over them and mention the fears......but actually....look....there goes the fear again....la la la lalala :D
Oh yeah and the reason I banged on about all the others.......well they were just learning really.....mostly the were learning through adversity....tho in truth latter ones were far from that.....and that's good isn't it.....that throgh all the realtionships I haven't become jaded or negative.....I take the positive from the times I shared 'back then' and hold no regrets or sadness or anything darker......and d. makes it all make sense anyways.....I think D. and I have the best realtionship ever, the best I've ever been in and just the best.....I've done the dress rehearsals....its showtime now :)
posted by Listener at 10:54 PM
You have a good imagination, and often exhibit sensitivity to others.
There is a tremendous amount of intensity in your mental processes. Your ability to concentrate is excellent. At times you have the ability to focus your mind so strongly that the rest of the world is shut out.
At times, you may tend to be overly sensitive to criticism. You can be excessively cautious or narrow in your outlook unless you receive the right kind of encouragement.
You have so many interests that you may have trouble deciding which ones to pursue. This can make you seem very contradictory, since you are so passionate and sincere about each new idea you embrace.
You are a warm hearted person, with much love to give. Your high energy level enhances your ability to express affection.
There may be times in your life when you give in to feelings of sadness or depression.
You are likely to make decisions based on intuition or feelings rather than intellect. You do have the capability to detach yourself emotionally and look at situations objectively, but you may not have developed this trait as well as you should.
There are inconsistencies in your energy level, possibly triggered by external factors or emotional changes.
Your high energy level draws people to you.
You have a basically strong constitution, and should enjoy good health most of the time.
You are likely to make many changes in the direction of your life. This may be based on interruptions due to health problems, or it may be that you just have trouble focusing your energy. The most productive time in your life will probably occur in middle age.
The most productive time in your life will probably occur in middle age.
There is a strong intuitive side to your nature, which may border on psychic or mystical ability.
Just spoke to the girls - I am driving up to see them next Saturday - YAY :)
B. sounded fine, fulls of the joys, chatting about her firends, her new bank account.....her boyfriend lol!!!!! She's changing so much at the mo - its funny with children - they change hugely (obviously) in the first 5 year then you don't notice it so muc - till nw I guess....she's growing up, learning more about life and interactions with other poeple, getting independance (in small steps)....she'll always be my baby but I have to keep remembering she's not a child when she talks to me about stuff.....I drop little leaders into the conversation when she talks about boys and friends and stuff.....so she can tell me as much or as little as she feels comfortable with :)
K. was fine too, she sounded tired because she'd been around her firends for tea.
I do miss them - when I talk to them I remember just how much and sometimes I find myself actually putting off calling them to avoid it :/
K lots of other stuff to post but tea's ready :)
posted by Listener at 8:37 PM
YAY Its Friday :)
D. has gone to Barcelona this weekend so I'm going to have a chilled time in front of the PC heh (I can of course have a chilled time when she's not in Barcelona its just I feel like really immersing myself tonight) - so watch out for comments, posts, some site tweaks and maybe even some poetry :)
Where is that place we saw? The towers had roads inside Snow fell all around And the horses had coats on Music played and words came Like sun through the rain You said “I can see now” And I that listening is enough You travelled light so I left my bags But I lent you my coat You whispered you loved me And I, I took the danger away And we woke as we’d slept In one long embrace
I stare down my darks alleys Bemused by my choices Or the lacklustre lack of them Like the open fields I ran through as a child Boundless to my energy And dreams of possibility I face the whims of spun coins Head high or tail between my legs I reach, dizzy, to the arc’s apex And embrace the thud of hard ground A life not lived in between But one spent at the edges Seeing the sun in the rain Whilst travelling happily And never arriving A life spent with you My wide-awake dream
D. and I have had a very quiet weekend but its been ace :)
Friday we chilled out and stuff, Saturday I had my haircut and met Angie whom I have not seen for ages and ages for lunch whilst D. went dress soppoing. Inb the evening we went for beers with Ian and his girlfriend to woking.
Sunday and today we pretty much chilled - oh i did sort some paperwork and cut the lawn but other than that wery little :)
It was ace to have a long weekend off :)
posted by Listener at 9:06 PM
Saturday, May 03, 2003
If you do one thing to day go here and select Smoke On The Water - Awesome :))
posted by Listener at 10:13 AM
Spirits of love
The souls of the sad
Dance out this tango
In a minor key
Da da da da daaaaah
Take my hand
My dear
My card is marked
With your name
Step as one
This last time
Our final dance
Perfect timing
As the music dies
We take our leave More Of My Poems
02/01/2002 - 02/28/2002
03/01/2002 - 03/31/2002
04/01/2002 - 04/30/2002
05/01/2002 - 05/31/2002
06/01/2002 - 06/30/2002
07/01/2002 - 07/31/2002
08/01/2002 - 08/31/2002
09/01/2002 - 09/30/2002
10/01/2002 - 10/31/2002
11/01/2002 - 11/30/2002
12/01/2002 - 12/31/2002
01/01/2003 - 01/31/2003
02/01/2003 - 02/28/2003
03/01/2003 - 03/31/2003
04/01/2003 - 04/30/2003
05/01/2003 - 05/31/2003
06/01/2003 - 06/30/2003
07/01/2003 - 07/31/2003
08/01/2003 - 08/31/2003
09/01/2003 - 09/30/2003
10/01/2003 - 10/31/2003
11/01/2003 - 11/30/2003
12/01/2003 - 12/31/2003
01/01/2004 - 01/31/2004
02/01/2004 - 02/29/2004
03/01/2004 - 03/31/2004
04/01/2004 - 04/30/2004
05/01/2004 - 05/31/2004
06/01/2004 - 06/30/2004
07/01/2004 - 07/31/2004
08/01/2004 - 08/31/2004
09/01/2004 - 09/30/2004
10/01/2004 - 10/31/2004
U2
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