Its D.'s birthday eve, buying presents has been a challenge as it didn't all go according to plan (I do like thinking about and planning and buying and wrapping and giving and sitting back and watching the reaction of presents) but I have now wrapped and prepared and am secretly smugly happy :) Can't wait for tomorrow, we're both at work but will leave at 5 and I have lots of nice things planned tomorrow ;o)
On a lower note, the girl's mum called today to plan Xmas and then asked for half the air-fares, she's already pitched her stall about money and I have declined but what can I do?? I don't mind really though I rue all the years of hardship trying to make ends meet whilst still paying for them......that said I have been 'uncareful' over money at times, that coupled with the financial burdens of divorce, arguments over access in court and a second split for a living with partner have taken their toll - I am now trying to be really careful, not just so I can afford to see the girls more but also I want D. and I to have as much opportunities as we want, its my debt and it effects what I can do and I don't think that's hugely fair on her (not that she'd agree with that view!!!).....so I am being careful and trying to budget myself properly and reduce my debt......
.....but I was a bit upset after the call, it costs roughly £150 for them both to fly down, for me to go upovernightt it'd be about £250 to over hotels and hire car, so its just not feasible, next year she will want to go 50-50 on flights (at least I hope she'll pay at least half), so I'm kind of facing the reality I have been living anyway - I'm just not gonna see them that much - I'd been kidding myself I'd get to go up there or them down here every 4-6 weeks.....but really its going to be every 2-3 months :o/
And I so miss them, I miss their touch and their smell and their voices and presence, I miss their things being around the lounge and putting them to bed and then tucking them in at night when I go......I have said this before its just that all of a sudden its like the reality has hit home......Katherine said she was crying last night becaue she missed me, but she had gone to bed so didn't get up or ask to call me......I've been 'not thinking' about it really, especially since the holiday.....just looking forward to the next time......but suddenly the in between times seem like the mountain you see and the disappointment you feel when you have struggled up one already, thinking that at the top you're going to look down and see you destination and really its further away than you thought.............
D. and I often talk about 'irony' and trying to work out what it means, and anlaysing when its used (often) incorrectly on the radio or in the news.....lol.....is being so happy and excited about D.'s birthday then getting a call that makes me feel melancholy ironic??? Maybe I'll ask her..........Saturday :)
posted by Listener at 10:01 PM
Two days, two accidents, two lanes blocked on motorway - looks like a crawl into work again today - how unlucky :o/
posted by Listener at 7:04 AM
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Things are good, work is good, D. is good and the girls are good got a CD I made them.....lots of Christina Aguilera and Pink.....tho I popped a Jam classic (Beat Surrender) on there too :)
Like taking photo's of model car's so they look like theya re really parked somewhere? then submit it here.........pointless but wtf eh? Some are quite cleverly done.....
And as for the Switcherzoo - just wicked - oyu get to chop and change animal's heads, legs and tails around - what I rreally liked is that when you select a part, the animal morphs into the new 'hybrid', very clever....I am sure when you turn a zebra'#s legs into and elephant's you see a quick peek of its willy!!!! Lots of info on animals and stuff too :)
posted by Listener at 4:57 PM
Have I said how much I love Webuser mag? Its cheap and accessible and useful and informative and and and.....on eof the main things its helped me with is top tips for making my pc safe such as Zonelab's free firewall and Lavasoft's Ad-Aware spyware monitor - I didn't even know about spyware until a few weeks ago!!!!
It seems the least I can do is plug these sites and 'sides it might just help anyone reading this who like me isn't so hot on all the PC stuff :)
Oh another thing - my stats!!! w00t!!!! I have seen a 50% increase in last two days - not wholly attributeable to me jumping back and forward whilst setting up my new look because I did much of it on a test page, also my poems pages jumped from average 2 hits a day to 10 ...... if it calms down ina day or two I will write it off as my visits during 'new-look' but kind of excited anyhow's :)
posted by Listener at 4:49 PM
I went shopping today for D.'s birthday present and ended up with a lawnmower.
These two things are unrelated.
However as I didn't get very far finding her a present I may surprise her with it ;o)
posted by Listener at 4:05 PM
As you will see I spent tonight playing with layout, mainly as the previous one didn't allow blog content of the frame to be 'seen' by search engines, also was a bit bored of it - lol.......this uses .css and div's etc (which a certain on-line friend should take note of lol)....what's the page load like??? Its optimised to show main stuff on 1024x768, and you only need to scroll down to see blog, all the addy's and links are within the frame which should help speed things up......I think anyway or am I talking bollocks here???
Will playwith colours and stuff over weekend ;)
hmmmmmm.....maybe the page is a bit, er, 'full'....???
posted by Listener at 1:08 AM
Friday, July 25, 2003
I have posted before about my friends and hwo improtant they are to me - I have (I'm sure) mentioned how a couple of them are closer than close - they are fragments of me, we are very similar in taste, outlook, thought and deed....not identical, just similar.....that manifests itself in easy conversations and easy understanding, in confidence to be able to say anything to think aloud and explore ideas and feeligns and stuff........such things are important to me......
.......I get frustrated not when I am misunderstood, but when an understanding gained by someone is not (in my opinion of course) something I would do, say, feel.....I guess I expect to be treated evenly, to have done unto me what others have done to them by me..........maybe that's a catchall get-out for being able to be unfair at times but I feel it is about following the trend of someones 'personality' rather than focussing on the blips (good or bad)....for example I think I am thoughtful and considerate and open minded and compromising but sometimes I loose my temper or snap or say something a little extreme to exaggerate my 'in argument' point, my 'out of argument' point would be more reasoned, would be about win-win and compromise......I don't expect to be judged on the argument but on the final outcome and the way it was achieved......that is why such friends are so important to me because they do that......
....that was a digression by the way (and no I haven't had any arguments recently lol) what I wanted to mention was that another thing about such friends is that the easy, comfortable familarity gives one a sense that one knows almost everything about the other when in fact one probably knows just enough to make everything feel familar.....or maybe its just that when a story or belief or reminsence is told it feels so in keeping with that person that it feels like you always knew it.............and then sometimes you realise, with surprise and delight, that you are being let into a bit more of the story, and that that bit then blossoms out and dovetails in to all the other bits you know..............and its just that's all :o)
I haven't pondered on such stuff here for a while and am once more wondering if that makes any sense at all to anyone but me ;o)
Oh and my Nedstats tell me Punkstar and Sarah paid a visit and enjoyed wandering over for a read :)
posted by Listener at 8:52 PM
I beat my personal best for my cycle route this evening by 6 minutes - I was fllying - I just seemed to get the gearing and the rpm right and was sailing along really smoothly even up the hills - its really cool when that happens - like hitting a tennis ball in the sweet spot it just feels right from start to finish :)
D.'s been clothes shopping and modelling for me - cool, especially as she brought a bikini ;o)
I had a sudden burst of happiness today - for no particular reason, I was just walking into the office and noticed the wind picking up which felt really atmospheric and then I thought how lovely the waether is and I just had a wave of abandoned joy wash through me......like when you're a child and a parent gets you an unexpected treat - nothing more quantifiable or explainable than just feeling intensly happy....after a while it consolidated into thoughts of being content with D. and work and stuff.....but for a while it felt good to just feel good!
posted by Listener at 8:44 PM
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
I do have word sand songs and poems and music and books and films and life and stuff in me...........but am a tad busy - D.'s feeling better and has made Japanese Curry for tea and I just got in because I had my haircut and am starving :)
Latest words:
You are my religion You're my rock of ages You're my favourite book And all its oft read pages
You are my pavillion You're my keep and castle You're my birthday present And the unopened parcel
You are my sunny day You're my April shower You're my sun, stars and moon And the spring's first flower
needs some work......but I am still wriitng and having ideas.......
..............that last bit's more for my own encouragement than anything else.......................
Cool!!! Because Paul Weller was cancelled I get priority booking on some rearranged shows at Christmas - have it!!! :oD
posted by Listener at 12:42 PM
Monday, July 21, 2003
Idle minds....email's down at work, in looking for the recipe for Brain Haemmorrage to comment over at Roo's, I found this wonderful site.....not only is it full of cocktail recipes it has a really cool menu bar at the top which jumps down as you scroll down.....some kind of javascript I think.
The recipe is:
Ingredients: Vodka, Peach Schnapps, Bailey's, Blackcurrant Juice Preparation: 1. Pour Vodka and Peach Schnapps into a shot glass, up to halfway. 2. Slowly pour in Bailey's so that it doesn't congeal, if done properly it should resemble the look of a brain. 3. Pour the blackcurrant juice to top of glass......now it should look like your brain is bleeding everywhere.
Drink it in one go.....in moderation (learnt that the hard way!!!!!)
Hmmmm....I sometimes wonder what posts like this say about myself - lol :)
K, I'm off home to mend a sick D. with love and hugs :) xxxx
posted by Listener at 6:00 PM
Sunday, July 20, 2003
Check out Roobarb and Custard on BBCi - this was classic kids TV for all ages :)
posted by Listener at 11:14 PM
Ouch - we were playing with a mini-rugby ball at the BBQ and i kind of let the kids jump all over me - I woke up this mornign with a pulled muscle in my arm and a twisted knee which keeps giving way - lol - that's ll teach me!!!!
It was a fun afternoon/evening just sat in agrden chilling and chatting I do feel a little jaded now tho heh :)
D. has spent the morning baking ckaes and stuff for the BBQ - YUM :) I cleaned the flat coz it needed it, the weather is ace, the music is pouring out the hi-fi hot and thick and punchy and singing-alongy, we're nearly ready.....
It's 40 miles to Reading. We've got a full tank of gas, half a boot of cakes, it's sunny and we're wearing sunglasses.
I am chilling out listening to The Pretenders, waiting for next Big Brother isntallment [Whah! Nush has been evicted :( ] playing on computer and sampling hercooking - she's baking cakes YAY!!!!
WE're off to my bosses BBQ tomorrow - should be really good fun, wish the girls were around so they could go as there'll be a few kids there :o/
Don't want to think about Sunday as should have been going to see Paul Weller - Bah!!
Went for a bike ride after work, 14km on a circuit I found that's a little hilly, a little cross country (gorgeous views halfway round) and a bit challenging - if I go out Monday's, Wednesday's, Fridays and Sundays I must loose some weight mustn't I???
posted by Listener at 10:01 PM
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
So the holiday began over two weeks ago now with me and D. collecting the girls from their grandma's and visiting Mum and Dad. The next day we chilled and I packed. Then next day me and the girls headed off to Centerparcs for the week. This is such an ace place, its set in beautiful woodlands, has really cool villas cleverly arranged such that you feel totally alone ( the lounge is at the back with patio windows and the villas are arranged so you never overlook anyone else), has no cars onsite (save a few for disabled visitors and for maintenance etc) so we hired bikes for the week, and is very child friendly and safe feeling (I was quite happy to let the girls cycle on ahead and stuff).
There are three main activity areas, the boating lake (lots of pedalo and yachts and stuff), the 'Jardin de Sport (traditional sports venue where you can play all manner of ball sports, go to the gym etc) and the Plaza (swimming pool and also shops restaurants)....there's also a 'Village Square' which has more restaurants (including an ace pancake house - yum!!). We has a villa down by the lake which is set down the hillside from everywhere else - which was actually good as it meant lots of keeping fit rides up the hill (cleverly staged along a set of 'walkways' to break the slope up).
Main highlights were:
The outdoor rapids in the pool - an outdoor large scales 'slide' with lots of humps and bumps and slopes to have fun on, we eventually learnt the 'correct' way to go really fast and you could really speed along, if you took the wrong line you got dragged back (which was fun too!!)
A couple of climbing activities in the 'adventure challenge course' which was new to us, one a group thing with lots of physical 'now get out of that' games, the other Bryony climbing the 40' wall three times (which also meant I got an hour or so just with Katherine!!).
Playing pool and having a beer in the evening with the girls :)
Watching rabbits and squirrels outside our villa when we were sat in the lounge in the morning/evening.
Just being chilled and relaxed and easy with the girls.
After centerparcs I took the girls across to the Isle of Man to stay with my mate as they have met the lovelyAriel whom they haven't seen for over a year now. We stayed at hers (thanks hun) and had a lovely time shopping and sight seeing and chilling, the girls and Ariel's daughter got on fine (I think she enjoyed the attention of two older girls fussing over her - heh) and playing computer games (Ben (Ariel's boyf) on top form showing the girls how to crash cars on the X-Box lol). Other good things:
Going up Snaefell in the tram even tho it was thick fog!!!
Going on the horse drawn tram at last!!!
Sitting about after kids had gone to bed chilling and chatting and stuff :)
Playing Max Payne on the X-Box with cool bullet time bits :)
Meeting up with Ripsaw and jnr for pizzas and playtime (and chats for the adults - who were???)
And last but def not the leastest meeting Ariel's other best mate Roo which was cool, she's very funny and cool (the girls thought she was ace because she uses all the latest words like 'mingin' which of course even if I did say them it wouldn't be cool at all!!!!) and she brilliantly (esp as she was very drunked) played one of her songs - how talented and clever to be able to express oneself through music!!! :)
I was a bit nervous about going over with the girls, all sorts of practical stuff about space and sleeping and 'invading', even tho Ariel is v cool about such stuff was a little worried but it was very chilled and cool - thanks hun:)
Then sadly that too was over and it was back for a weekend then all too soon it was over and I was watching them get on a plane to Scotland :)
Will talk about how they've changed and grown up and how it feels another time......I'm still a bit sad its over to be honest :/
posted by Listener at 11:07 PM
Phew - busy busy.
Holiday was ace and fantastic and just brilliant to have the girls for a couple of weeks - will update all the details later tonight :)
In other news my sis is at last getting married YAY - March next year to her long time boyf :)
D. got me The Girl In A Swing as a second hand hard back (its out of print now unbelieveably) - wonderful - I mentioned a while back how beautiful this book is and how it is my favourite ever ever book - found some good reviews here :)
As an aside I found a good biog of Richard Adamsis here - apparantly he lived in the isle of man for a while :)
On a lower note the Paul Weller concert this Sunday in Hyde Park has been cancelled....grrrrrrr....I was sooooo looking forward to that :(
Back to work which is ok as I like my job at the mo - hugely miss the girlies tho......oh and I wrote a poem which I'll finish tonight hopefully :)
posted by Listener at 1:45 PM
Spirits of love
The souls of the sad
Dance out this tango
In a minor key
Da da da da daaaaah
Take my hand
My dear
My card is marked
With your name
Step as one
This last time
Our final dance
Perfect timing
As the music dies
We take our leave More Of My Poems
02/01/2002 - 02/28/2002
03/01/2002 - 03/31/2002
04/01/2002 - 04/30/2002
05/01/2002 - 05/31/2002
06/01/2002 - 06/30/2002
07/01/2002 - 07/31/2002
08/01/2002 - 08/31/2002
09/01/2002 - 09/30/2002
10/01/2002 - 10/31/2002
11/01/2002 - 11/30/2002
12/01/2002 - 12/31/2002
01/01/2003 - 01/31/2003
02/01/2003 - 02/28/2003
03/01/2003 - 03/31/2003
04/01/2003 - 04/30/2003
05/01/2003 - 05/31/2003
06/01/2003 - 06/30/2003
07/01/2003 - 07/31/2003
08/01/2003 - 08/31/2003
09/01/2003 - 09/30/2003
10/01/2003 - 10/31/2003
11/01/2003 - 11/30/2003
12/01/2003 - 12/31/2003
01/01/2004 - 01/31/2004
02/01/2004 - 02/29/2004
03/01/2004 - 03/31/2004
04/01/2004 - 04/30/2004
05/01/2004 - 05/31/2004
06/01/2004 - 06/30/2004
07/01/2004 - 07/31/2004
08/01/2004 - 08/31/2004
09/01/2004 - 09/30/2004
10/01/2004 - 10/31/2004
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