Saturday, August 30, 2003

The Longest Goodbye

No peck on the cheek
Or lingering kiss
No warm embrace
No au revoir this
The longest goodbye
Is the life that we miss

My Mum's not well, the cancer is in her liver, she had chemo earlier this year and the doctors were happy with progress but the last two or three weeks she has taken a downturn, she hardly eats, feels weak and sick and tired al the time....she goes back to hospital tomorrow for some test results and to see what further treatment...she remains upbeat (its amazing really - a lot of my desire to always be thankful ad to see the best in everyone and everything comes from her), Dad is concerned and....well its hard to put my finger on it really....stoic I guess....I suspect he is putting a brave face on things by caring for her....but I know dad he doesn't share and express his feelings easily.....but I can see he's hurting and he's frustrated and he's angry.

I have said before that when I am with them I don't really feel my age....don't feel an adult.....I feel more like somewhere between 12 and 18.....they don't make me feel like that I just do.......its a little bit these days and I wondered if this is the next 'agebreak'....you know we're born and we're babies, then we're toddlers, then we're children, teenagers and 'adult'.....and it doesn't feel much different after becoming adults for a long time.....even me getting married and divorced and becoming a father didn't actually make me feel and 'different'....not in terms of the freedom other age breaks bring....and I pretty much could have done them at any time in my adult life so the specific age they did happen wasn't relevant........now though seeing mum poorly....being faced more visibly and forcibly with the aging process, one's own mortality and with the prospect that big changes are impending..... they make me feel like I'm passing an age break...................not sure what happens at that age break, what will be expected of me and how I'll react.....I guess time will tell us.......
posted by Listener at 5:33 PM


Been feeling a bit melancholy this week......went to quiz with Ian on Tuesday and we're going out for beers tonight.

D. and I watched About Schmidt last night - I didn't really have much idea of what it was about but heard it was supposed to be a comedy....actually its a little more complex than that.....yes it funny in parts but not 'laugh out load' type stuff more chuckle a little funny....it is however a good film and Jack Nicholson's performance is quite awesome ....one of those films where the lead has fewer lines than normal but fills the screen with his presence despite that. Dermot Mulroney is very very good in it too..........

Off to see ma and pa later this morning.
posted by Listener at 9:05 AM

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

What is the colour of night

What is the colour of night
That inky dark void
I sometimes explore
Rather than dream alone
Cold, hard, insoluable
It rejects my embrace
Wanting itself as empty
As my soul feels

What is the colour of night
That star filled expanse
Where we collide
Bright, hot, ecstatic
Accepting our embrace
Wanting itself as complete
As our souls feel
posted by Listener at 5:21 PM


D. sent me an article form the Guardian today about someone who has been blind since the age of 3 but recently had 'stemcell' surgery to provide him partial eyesight - his fascinating acocunt is at: Sendero Group Library: Mike May's Journal - it touched something very fundamental in me about how we shoudl always strive to appreciate everything, to maximise every experience no matter what our own limitations may be....this is a positive story about how someone who has maximised their life despite a severe disability has suddenyl had it enhanced immeasureably.....imagine it the other way round, what if something was taken away....what haven't you done that you can no longer ever hope to.....I don't mean this trivially like say skydiving or skiing or travelling.....I'm thinking more fundamentally about how we choose to live our lives, how we choose to interact with people, about the happiness and sadness we can bring at the mere drop of a hat......and how important it is to maximise the former and minimise the latter.

....or maybe I am just thoughtful of other things these days....as I drifted off to sleep last night I had the strangest notion, I am not sure why they got connected in my brain but I thought of my mum who's been more poorly than 'usual' of late and about visiting and making the most of 'time' and then of the girls, way up in Scotland and how darned annoyed I could be that they were taken there......which is simplistic I know but still I was sad for a while.....
posted by Listener at 1:25 PM

Monday, August 25, 2003

My archives are totally fucked - August and July (since altest page change) won't come up at all, the few months previous (old layout with blog in a frame just come up with the blog and no formatting and older ones than that still ahve whatever template I used - any ideas what's wrong? I thought it was supposed to pick up the archive template - which Is et to smae as my main site????
posted by Listener at 5:05 PM


We went for a bike ride yesterday along the newly opened Jubilee River running from Windsor to Maidenhead - its a flood relief system primarily but they have landscaped the whole area to create wildlife reserves, picnic areas and a bicycle route along its length. despite a mtoorway running pretty much along its entire length it was very scenic and peaceful and pretty.
posted by Listener at 4:39 PM

Saturday, August 23, 2003

I did this speed test and also ran DrTCP both seem to say my connection is pretty darned good - may have a tweak later but it doesn't look like I can do much better really :)
posted by Listener at 8:54 AM


About Last Night... has just been on -it is such a good film and easily one of my all time fave's.......s'funny because it has a dated feel about it - maybe its because its set in the '80s - my formative years - the clothes, the fashion, the attitudes.....It's fundamentally a love story centering on the fact that the two people don't hugely communicate their expectations and move the relationship in a direction it 'should' move in without questioning and discussing why....or realising why maybe......spurred by each persons two best friends who are the complete opposite of people who fall in love and stuff it falls apart and yet ends with real hope and very positively.

I think what I like about it (besides Bill Murray's sooo so ace performance as 'his mate'.....optimised when his best friend is trying to explain why he turned down the chance to sleep with someone because he was still in love with Demi Moore he asks if he's still got her number for him to use....as Rob Lowe storms off he shouts......never, never loose your sense of humour - brilliant!!)....anyhow I digress, what I like about it is its very real, yeah in a condensed/stylised way films have to be yet i think it reflects what really happens in relationships sometimes and how poor or no communication leads to problems.

I think I have the opposite problem.....I think I say too much sometimes, I try to explain things and end up causing more hurt and confusion because in explaining something specific there's always the danger that it gets taken generally.

Another thing about the film.....you know at the end that they're going to get back together, you know its gonna work second time round.

I used to say 'never go back'.......when relationships have ended, even the ones I didn't' want to, I still knew there was no way back, and part of me didn't want to, part of me knew that despite all the good, there were flaws too and that you live and learn and you move on and get over it and become a better person.......except D. when we split up last year it felt to me like the only thing to do but not the 'right' thing to do and yet I also knew that I didn't want it to happen but couldn't see how to stop it......getting back together was inevitable really because I missed her terribly and because......I think, as in the film, the splitting up and the time apart.....made it possible, later, for me to say the things that needed to be said, that couldn't be said within the relationship.....put it into perspective.......not that I have a problem communicating.....its just a little more complicated than all that and I don't want to discuss the detail here.....

and I also wish I could explain it better...............I just wanted to say I love that film (oh and its not analogous to me and D. by the way!!) primarily because I think it says much ';between the lines' about stuff I think are important in relationships......
posted by Listener at 12:50 AM

Friday, August 22, 2003

Jack Johnson On and On was playing at the hairdressers this evening - its awesome - buy it now or soon - its guitar based laid back cool with hint of reggae :)
posted by Listener at 9:18 PM


Downloaded new Winamp amd have plugged ina rockin' new Playlist :)
posted by Listener at 8:45 PM


Oh yeah and checkout Cheri's site.....from what I can tell from the cooments she has a great sense of humour :)
posted by Listener at 8:40 PM


Never again! I have felt so rough today - works do last night, someone's birthday, D. and I got a hotel in Slough and I drank a tad too much and felt really hungover all today - lol !!!!

Its Bank Holiday weekend YAY - that's no work till Tuesday oh yeah oh yeah :)

D.'s at her folks tonight so I'm gonna have an evening of surfing and stuff and then going over tomorrow - she's cat-sitting them so needs to be there to feed them.

Couple of things in news interested me today - we have a new directory enquiries service in UK it used to be a virtual monopoly but now there's like 15 odd companies offering the service......by outsourcing to call centers in places like Phillipines and India....which is all well and good but they're having troubles with names and places and of course haven't had the 'local' knowledge......which too is all well and good 'cept the old service was fixed rate for 2 enquiries....now they charge by the second.....so we pay whilst we spell out surnames and places and such like!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the sobig.f virus - apparently its increased internet traffic by 60% with junk mail - its suspected to be a spam mail driven virus - basically its validating/collecting valid email addresses which are worth money to companies that send out spam (not quite sure how it does that bit) - and they've un-encrypted it and found that its set to mutate at 8pm UK time tonight into something new - interesting article on bbc i :))
posted by Listener at 7:57 PM

Thursday, August 21, 2003

What You Want It to Be

And I could sing to you tonight
Even though inside your crying
Chase the rainclouds all away
Just to stop yourself from hiding
I could say we're doing fine
But you'll only say I'm lying
And despite the turns you make
I'm not the one who isn't trying
Because the here and now of this
Is something you're denying
And its a thin line that we walk
Between the living and the dieing

posted by Listener at 1:42 PM

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Have had loads (40+) of (spam??) emails in last 24 hours from yahhoo, hotmail, aol type accounts plus things like @victoryrecords.com and @lookoutrecords.com subjects typically are 'Re: That Movie' or 'Your Details' and 'Re: Your Application......all have the SAME message content: See the attached file for details and an attachment.

There was one email that was a rejection from someone's server becuase the attachement contained a virus. I haven't of course been in contact with any of the email addys and checked my outbox which doesn't hve any evidence of emails being sent to them.

I am deleting them all without opening (just preview in Outlook Express) and have checked my PC for virus'.

All a bit weird - wondered if anyone has had similar - my ISP is NTL btw.
posted by Listener at 11:09 PM

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

More Maths from Somewhat, Muchly (whom found me somehow and whom I check out now regularly) concerning the fact that apparently there are no magic knight's tours on the chessboard - how sad :(

Called girl's tonight - they went back to school today - Bryony started High School - another milestone passed....when did she grow up......so we talked about it and she really enjoyed it.....Kate stays in middle school but is happy her big sister's not there anymore.....she said she missed me and was sad but had had a lovely weekend and then proceeded to plan out the next one in October :)
posted by Listener at 10:09 PM


Thank you Mamselle for this intriguing thing - I normally manage to work out how these work but am a little stumped at present - need to play with it a few times to see if any pattern's emerge - I know the apparent randomness of iut (swap the numbers around, choose one of them etc) is just a trick to make you think its guessing when it isn't.....hmmmmm I shall ponder some more :)
posted by Listener at 9:30 PM

Monday, August 18, 2003

I think I posted a couple of weeks ago about playing rugby at the NEC Proams tournament.....here's a piccie which I like because I look dead athletic (rather than just dead which is how I felt the next day lol)...........

posted by Listener at 7:36 PM


Fascinating!!!!!
posted by Listener at 1:00 PM


Lunchtime update - weekend was cool really realy nice to have the girls around, even if they were a tad fractious on Saturday, D.'s been a bit poorly and is off sick today poor thing.

I've been keeping a close on the cricket this morning and hugely chuffed that England won nail-biter :-D

Went to see Spy Kids 3D which was typically ace (this franchise is one of the best kids ones around in my opinion) although I don't think that the quality impairment to the picture that 3D film effects actually cause is outweighed by the benefit of seeing stuff leap out at you - much of the film was blurry and eye-achingly difficult to watch :/
posted by Listener at 12:49 PM

Friday, August 15, 2003

Girls are here - cool - Kate's chicken pox is a non-event really, hardly any spots so that's ok and she feels fine - we're off to Drusilla's Country Park great place unfortuantely crap web site - liked the way when you click on the directions' for larger map you get virtually the same size map just in a new window!!!!!

Anyhoo picnic packed - just hope Friday traffic is not too bad :)
posted by Listener at 9:32 AM

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Things are ok and I haven't really ever been happier, I am hugely pleased to have stayed in the 'black' this month - I say 'black' because I am still overdrawn but at least haven't spent more than I earn this month - D. and I agreed shopping budgets weekly and that worked really well, we realised the other day that we used to spend about 12 pounds a week on pizzas on Tuesdays before quiz, now we buy supermarket pizzas (Freschetta Pizzas are gorgeous and oven chips, that's a saving of 9 quid a week or more than 450 a year.....which is a weekend away.......I know this is a litttle boring but it helps to consider such things.....its all about using money sensibly 'most days' to have the special things when we want........heh I've been watching Alvin Hall's Your Money or Your Life if you're familiar with it!!! I still have a problem with 'money in my pocket' which I plan to address next month (by making sure there is less in there ;)

Mum update - she's been pretty good of late but is going into hospital Friday for a checkup so fingers as ever are firmly crossed.

Girls update - I am having them for the weekend from tomorrow - YAY - that came round quickly :) They're down visiting relatives at the mo....Katherine has managed to catch chicken pox poor thing so that may curtail activities somewhat but we'll sort something out - can't wait....two days off work will be nice.....whilst its still really really good the last couple of weeks have been hard work and I've been deputising for the boss so have been trying really hard to mitigate issues....realtively successfully too I think :)
posted by Listener at 5:38 PM

Monday, August 11, 2003

I am sorry to say it but it was just too damned hot this weekend.....I don't deal with heat terribly well and everything I moved I just broke out in sweat (yeuch - sorry) and now have prickly heat - grrrr :/

Saturday night was lovely tho, being able to sit outside on the pavement in front of a restaurant chilling with D. :)

Yesterday we decided to go an see Terminator 3 if only because the cinema would be cool - as it turned out the Air Con was broken but it was still quite cool. I really enjoyed the film, I don't think they sold the franchise out at all and it was a ''credible'' storey line (in as much as the genre and basic overall plot of the series of films can be credible!!!) and the ending was a slight surprise and not what I expected.

Last night Stir Of Echoes was on and I hugely enjoyed watching it, I remember when it came out it was compared with The Sixth Sense which I went to see but not Stir Of Echoes. I don't think the twist is quite as compelling but the storyline is strong and credible and the acting, particularly Kevin Bacon whom I've admired for a long time, was excellent.

D. was playing on the 'puter last night enjoying listening to various session/live covers such as Cold Play doing Ah'Ha's High and Low, Radiohead covering Nobody Does It Better and U2 doing the Macarena (no really!!!) :)


posted by Listener at 9:29 AM

Sunday, August 10, 2003

There's a big debate that pops up from time to time on internet forums about a poetry competition site, poetry.com, its one of the biggest on-line poetry comps but is fundamentally flawed, in fact many say its a scam, It ''cleverly'' (that's like in the way foxes who work their way into chicken coops and then kill every chicken in sight might be called clever) draws people in, builds them up, adds lots of and accepts just about any poem that anyone sends in (and some have sent in deleiberate crap and got accepted), talk in upbeat terms as if you poem is someting special to them....oh and then it requires you to fork out money (for books, awards evening or some such nonsense) before you actually get published....and here's the rub, all the books that 'seem' to get publised are impossible to find in shops or even, say, Amazon.....hmmmm me wonders why its got such a bad reputation!!!!

Anyhoo, was pleased therefore to find this link to PoetryNot.com and the thoroughly professional and rounded and considered and well informed information it provides about it. Poetry in e motion had a lot to say pn the subject too :)

So be warned avoid Poetry.com!!!!
posted by Listener at 8:12 AM


We had a really really lovely evening last night, we strolled 5 minutes down the road to the High Street and sat outside the restaraunt just chatting and enjoying the warm air and loely food. Feel like I could sleep a while longer but its too darned hot!!!!!

As mentioned previously VoicesNet made me one fo their Poets In Residence, I haven't been so involved in the forums of late but have been getting interested in halpin gout on the admin side and am working through some changes on its 'links' page
posted by Listener at 7:50 AM

Saturday, August 09, 2003

Gosh its darned hot!!!

D.'s gone shopping before it gets too bad and we're going out to a restaraunt down the road this evening which has outside seats - should be lovely :)

am thinking about going for a bke ride - figure if I go now in this hgeat I'll work off a few more ounces than if later - lol :)

Went to a BBQ for someone's birthday at work, first time I'd socialised with my new colleagues - was really really fun though felt 'aware' that I was the boss....its a very fine line between friends and being the boss....I know I can handle the difference and seperate the two but not everyone can....so whilst the person whose birthday it was was al 'you know where we live now, come on round anytime' etc its not that easy to take it up..........
posted by Listener at 12:23 PM

Friday, August 08, 2003

Thank goodness Match of The Day will be back on the BBC next year :)
posted by Listener at 5:34 PM


From my stats, I've been wondering for a while now why msn is listing me on their search under deepthroating, and also why people actually visit my site based on it....then I remembered posting about Tania on BB3 - mystery solved!!!

Similalry I have no idea why Just Hair Styles has linked me but hey - thanks guys :)

And google thinks I'm no 6 for birthday present brand....whatever that is they were looking for :)
posted by Listener at 12:16 PM

Thursday, August 07, 2003

I have a penchant for old and corny jokes and often 'catch' D. out with them (which I think actually says heaps about her sense of humour). When I picked D. up from work:

Me: they just said on the radio that the best thing to wear when its hot is a Matterbooboo.
D.: What's a Matterbooboo?
Me: Nothing Yogi :oD

Have IT!!!!!!
posted by Listener at 6:43 PM


Two of my fave foodstuffs are sandwiches and pies.....since D. moved in I have been making sandwiches for work and asked D. what she fancied tomorrow. She's making pie tonight (YAY) so suggested there may be some left over.....


....mmmmmmm.......pie sandwiches....am I the only person to think that appetising??
posted by Listener at 6:41 PM

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

D. sent me this link today - Book Crossing - the idea is you donate, handover, even leave in a public place, a book you've read, after registering it and labelling it up (to spread the word and also track the book - what a wonderful idea - very Pay It Forward....as in the book NOT the film :)
posted by Listener at 10:27 PM


Feeling Fragile

I'm as fragile as a bumble bee poised to sting
Or a dandelion at the end of spring
Or a gambling man laying down everything

And my victim
My wind born hope
And the shirt on my back
Are the things that go round
And those that come back

posted by Listener at 9:06 PM


Oooooh now.....all new blogger's a clever thing - its nows when you've mucked up the html tags in a post and offers you the chance to correct it.....cool :)
posted by Listener at 2:18 PM


Weatherman

I love the moment when the mist rolls from the sea
Turning my world grey and smothering me
I feel isolated no need to break free
And all the cracks hidden in this reality

I love the moment when the sun light breaks through
An instant when all possibity's new
I feel like I'm one of the chosen few
Whose colour's are golden not dull shades of blue

I love the moment when the rain first starts to fall
A long lasting torrent, the skies waterfall
I feel like I'm cleansed and can follow her call
And I no longer stand with my back to the wall
posted by Listener at 2:17 PM

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Try this....sit down, raise right foot a little off floor, move foot/lower leg round in a clockwise direction, look ahead and draw the number 6 in front of you with your finger....now look down? what do you notice???
posted by Listener at 11:18 AM

Sunday, August 03, 2003

I went to Matsuri in London today with D.'s family for her birthday - really really nice food, met her bro and his girlf for the first time which was nice. It was a gloriously hot day today, we walked down to Trafalger Square which they've just altered, it used to be a roundabout all the way round it but now they've closed off one side and its a much larger area with better pedestrian access. through the summer they are running various artsy/cultural events like today's which had a Malaysian flavour. D. then went shopping for an hour or so and I chilled in a nearby park.

I played rugby yesterday - 7 a-side touch rugby - we hold a friendly pro-am tournament at work inviting customers and palying with a couple of Harlequins players, who we sponsor, on each team, its a great family day as there's loads for kids to do and the games are good fun.....I have to admit to being hugely stiff this evening now tho!!!!!

Friday I amde a birthday dinner for D. which was fun, I hope she had a nice birthday :) xxx
posted by Listener at 8:56 PM

Friday, August 01, 2003

Turin Brakes' Ether Songs (another of D.'s presents is ace, she really likes it...it has a hidden track about 5 minutes after the end of the real Track 12....called Ether Song - how cool is that :)
posted by Listener at 8:02 PM


Sp D. loves Radiohead and playing the piano and Radiohead have a new album out....so I thought a good pressie (one of them) would be a book of Piano Music for Hail To The Thief (the new album).....cool!! D. loves it......except er I brought guitar tabs not piano music!!!! D'oh!!! This is a very me thing to do :)

We had a workday lie in - normally up at 6.30 out by 7.15 but its her birthday so we're having a lie-in (shhhhhh don't tell but people at work are decorating her desk so we can't get into 9 anyway but she doesn't realise this - he he!!!)
posted by Listener at 7:48 AM