Time time time.....bah bah bah.....not enough - Its not quite that I'm so busy as the time just flies before you know it :/
Spurious stuff follows (sorry you people have to read it, will try to get more interesting :)
Felt a wave of saddness about mum last night, me and D were just lying in front of the TV and I felt it, D. asked me if everything was alright, she'd sensed my sudden mood change.....that's one of the things I love about her and being close to someone is the closeness of shared feelings without needing to vocalise thoughts :) xxx
I'm going to take my digital camera to work tomorrow and take some practice pics at lunchtime :)
Am currently listening to Safri Duo.....got it from someone at work which is cool :)
Got another pressie today, The Lovely Bones from the lovely Ariel, very unexpected and really lovely, am going to start it later, thanks honey :) xxx
Work is good, busy but good, not busy work till very late (I mostly leave about 5.30) but busy as in being occupied and challenged and interested and stimulated all day, busy lol :)
Just wrote letters to the girls :) xxx
gosh haven't posted about my birthday weekend....
k, let's see......Friday we chilled, Saturday we woke very slowly between about 7ish and 8ish, that's just about right for me, I don't like hugely long lie-ins but I do like to wake 'slowly' so that was nice, D. made coffee and I did the card present thing (a tad excitedly heh), then we went into town for birthday brekkie and then down to Dad's for birthday lunch with that tinge of saddness, actually call it a darned great shadow, of course as mum wasn't there....in fact it felt weird to get a card just form him for that matter :/
In the evening we went for a Chinese meal with our pub-quiz mates and it was very very funny, I haven't just laughed about so much for what seems like a long time, it was ace. Eventually went to bed about 3.30am and woke mid morning and spent the rest of the day just chilling out (euphemism for recovering from hangover lol. D. went to a lot of trouble to make my birthday weekend special and it really really was :) xxx
Oh forgot, did the beers thing with worky mates on Wednesday (leaving do) and Thursday (me birthday do!) which was ace.....tho going in on Friday morning to find an interview set up for me to conduct at 9am was a bit of a shocker (hope he couldn't smell the alcohol!!).
Yeah things are good and cool and I guess no wonder I have so little time!!
posted by Listener at 7:48 PM
Saturday, September 27, 2003
Heh my girlf is the best girlf in the world......I got a digital camera from her which is cool.....reason enough to be the best girlf but the real reason she's the best girlf in the whole wide world is two (TWO!) days ago I mentioned that I loved Dexy's Midnight Runners' Album don't Stand Me Down (I think something on TV reminded me about it) but that it was really hard to get nowadays (it never did anywhere near as well as it should have done) anyhoo guess what turns up in my pile of pressies.....YAY how cool is that MWAH honey :) xxxx
posted by Listener at 9:29 AM
Friday, September 26, 2003
I am still so hungover - a great night last night, just got home - work was amd today - will post properly with laods of stuff later - loads of emails and birthday wishes and comments - thank you all :)
posted by Listener at 7:45 PM
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Things are ok at the mo.....coming back to work was easier than my attempt last week - I guess things are a little clearer now the funeral has happened.
Been busy catching up on work, went to a works do last night which was fun and am having a few drinks after work tonight as its my birthday on Saturday - YAY me.....for the first time in a few years I actually bothered to arrange a few things like tonight and a meal on saturday with friends so I'm looking forward to it......tho of course tinged with more than a little sadness it was never mum's way to dwell on things and to be bright and positive and 'out there' living life. Dad reminded me the other day that three weeks before she died (it feels so weird to say that word!) she was playing bowls in the sunshine with her friends.....its a nice memory and way to be.....
posted by Listener at 5:09 PM
Monday, September 22, 2003
It was mum's funeral today at midday. It was a very strange experience riding in the funeral car behind mum in the hearse.....I know that sounds a 'silly' thing to say but it just felt very strange, almost unreal. At the crematory several of mum's bowls club had come in their uniforms and lined the way into the service hall which was a lovely touch, there must easily have been 100 or more people there, Dad has received 104 cards t date, many with really lovely and touching words added.
The service went well, the vicar had listened to us the other day and managed to retell mum's story beautifully. I read the girl's poems, but didn't write one myself, I tried, but couldn't.
I am tired, very, very drained now.
posted by Listener at 9:04 PM
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Brought new Oakley glasses in black/black chrome.....very cool.....see:
We also watched the original version of Insomnia on TV the other day which was really cool......for any Brits (with cable/satellite) BBC Four has a 'foreign' film on Saturdays evenings, most of watch are hugely interesting and enjoyable - so if you're in its an option.
Not much else to report, I am off work again......I find it really hard to focus and as I keep needing time off to sort stuff out I think I'm going to tell my boss tomorrow I won't be in until after the funeral :/
Next Monday feels an age away and approaches ponderous and heavy with a weight of expectation.....I want it be over yet don't want it to happen.
My Dad sounded sad on the phone today - chatty but sad......it occurs to me that we never really openly discussed feelings and stuff as a family......we were always warm and close and loving......yet we rarely talked about 'stuff'......its kinda 'funny' because I actually talk about my feelings quite easily with friends and with D. - but have never really with my family as such.....with us feelings have always been 'understood to occur' rather than specifically discussed.....I don't mean that horribly at all....I mean its like we know when we are each happy, or sad, or grieving, or worried and we each in turn react to that more by being there' rather than talking about it......practical displays of our love and affection rather than emotional ones......tho no less heartfelt because of it.....we're talking a bit now tho and I think he talks to my sis a bit more, I think she draws it out of him probably......
He was saying how he's been invited out to lunch with friends (second time so far plus regular visits from me and sis), I reckon whilst he appreciated this somewhere in his mind he was thinking it was actually making him miss mum more.....it may be better than the sadness at times of being at home alone, at least in the short term......but it must also somehow highlight the loss even more.......
For my part I still feel a little unreal.....sad at times tho not hugely......coping I think is the word, getting on with it......I tend to treat most hardship or difficulty thus.....just get on with it......mum was like that :/
Sorry I haven't been surfin by much....I'll catch up soon......thanks again for email and comments........
D. found a reference to Japander.com in otday's papers - its a site showing 'western' ''stars' in adverts for Japan market - and just what they'll do for the money - Ewan McGregor, Nicholas Cage and Arnie Schwarzennegger are well worth a watch.
posted by Listener at 7:42 PM
Friday, September 12, 2003
Went to work today - it wasn't too bad, a bit hard to concentrate at first, everyone was really nice and kind and said they were sorry but didn't dwell on things.
Spent morning doing interviews - well my boss did and I sat there trying to concentrate......really weird that, didn't think it would be a problem but my mind just kept drifting......I guess at home if my mind drifts its ok and doesn't matter......
.....anyhow going down to see Dad tomorrow but mostly chilling this weekend. I feel shit, I mean physically I feel really 'old' and achy and stiff and headachey and eye strainy and just plain old run down, unfit and inhealthy :/ (PS whinge over sorry about that!)
posted by Listener at 11:02 PM
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Tough day today....we (at last) got the death certificate and so could register mum's passing and make arrangements with the funeral director.....
......an aside - am amazed at how both the registrar and the funeral director can bring exactly the right blend of business like efficiency, yet calm, concern and empathy to what must be one of the hardest jobs (for them) to deal with.........
.....so mostly the arrangements are set although the funeral will not be until the 22nd September (first available!!)....I'd kinda thought it would be sooner.....what is already a little unreal is now going to become surreal as I yo-yo between going back to work ( a step towards 'normaility' what ever that means now) and then facing the funeral........that's not meant to sound like its all inconvenient to me - I just mean....and I smile wryly as I write this.....well its all a little unreal....yet at the same time its quite unimaginable so I don't see why it should seem unreal.......
....you know sometimes when you try to imagine something really really ace......or something really really terrible.....and think about how you react......except of course you never really know how you are going to react or feel or respond......so its a futile exercise to some extent........
....its also probably all textbook as well.....I was very upset on Friday early Saturday but have now settled into a slightly numb state where I don't feel much....occasionally it hits home.....like with the girls' cards today or at the funeral directors.....or when I hear one of our voices catch slightly when we mention mum in the present tense.....but mostly I just feel numb......
I have told Dad and sis that I will read the girls' poems out at the funeral.....I would like to try and write one from me too but it would have to be perfect so am not sure I can do that....maybe I'll let D.'s judgement decide if I manage to write anything........
K well this was just a short hot-choccie because I can't sleep post and is getting longer and rambly so had better go....
.....many thanks to Cynthia, Cheri, Lorien, Chris and Pega for their kind posts/emails :/ xxxxxx
The girls went to a craft fare on Saturday and made cards to send down, Bryony's said:
To Grandma
Its very hard to say goodbye to someone you love so much Its very hard to say goodbye to your voice, your smile your touch Its very hard to say goodbye to your spirit, mind and soul These are precious memories that I will always hold
And Katherine's:
Many Thoughts
So many thoughts we've had of you all through our lives We will remember all our times together as we stand this day As we think about you this very day we'll bow our heads and say We love you very much and we will never forget you through our lives
She came home from hospital on Thursday but was very sick all night, my sister went over early morning and the doctor gave her some pain killing injection and tried to find her a bed at hospital. I got down there around midday and she was sleeping.
She stirred about 4 ish but I don't think she was really conscious. The pain killer was wearing off but the hospital still didn't have a bed ready so we called out an emergency ambulance to take her to accident and emergency. I sat with mum, holding her hand and talking to her, telling her all sorts of stuff I can't quite remember and I don't think she heard. At one point just as the ambulance arrived her breathing shallowed and I thought she was going to leave us then but the paramedics gave her oxygen and she made it to A&E with Dad taveling with her. Soon after we all arrived she just slipped away.
Who knows why the liver cancer just flared like it did.....3 weeks ago the doctors were quite content with her response to medication. I am glad that apart from that last night she didn't suffer and didn't have a long and protracted period in hospital on drugs slipping in and out of consciousness. But its still fucking unfair you know, she was such a lovely person.
Saturday I just sat at home, I hadn't slept well and felt in turn sad and sick and headachey....I am glad I was with D. who's been lovely. Yesterday we went to my sister's for Sunday lunch (dad's been staying there) and a walk along the seafront. It was a really lovely day yet we all felt, without saying really, that there was a big hole in it where mum should have been. I guess that's just the way it's gonna be now.
We're going to make funeral arrangements later today and dad will go home afterwards.
posted by Listener at 8:29 AM
Thursday, September 04, 2003
Mum had a big dose of chemo yesterday so its wait and see time again - think she and dad are relieved that at least she's had some treatment - they'd convinced themselves the doc would say there was no point........ :/
She should be home today hopefully.
Work is good, am still enjoying the challenge of my new role.....went out to a Japanese colleagues leaving do last night - nothing too heavy - another colleague, Mazda-san was keeping everyone entertained - he is a very very funny person and has a suitably good grasp of English to make jokes and tell stories and do impressions.
Tonight D. and I are in London for a Cuban evening being held by one of the travel companies she deals with which should be fun - we're staying overnight there :)
Grrrr at no comments....had loads of interesting links and visitors since changing over my template but will have a Friday night spent surfing I think and will catch up then.
Spirits of love
The souls of the sad
Dance out this tango
In a minor key
Da da da da daaaaah
Take my hand
My dear
My card is marked
With your name
Step as one
This last time
Our final dance
Perfect timing
As the music dies
We take our leave More Of My Poems
02/01/2002 - 02/28/2002
03/01/2002 - 03/31/2002
04/01/2002 - 04/30/2002
05/01/2002 - 05/31/2002
06/01/2002 - 06/30/2002
07/01/2002 - 07/31/2002
08/01/2002 - 08/31/2002
09/01/2002 - 09/30/2002
10/01/2002 - 10/31/2002
11/01/2002 - 11/30/2002
12/01/2002 - 12/31/2002
01/01/2003 - 01/31/2003
02/01/2003 - 02/28/2003
03/01/2003 - 03/31/2003
04/01/2003 - 04/30/2003
05/01/2003 - 05/31/2003
06/01/2003 - 06/30/2003
07/01/2003 - 07/31/2003
08/01/2003 - 08/31/2003
09/01/2003 - 09/30/2003
10/01/2003 - 10/31/2003
11/01/2003 - 11/30/2003
12/01/2003 - 12/31/2003
01/01/2004 - 01/31/2004
02/01/2004 - 02/29/2004
03/01/2004 - 03/31/2004
04/01/2004 - 04/30/2004
05/01/2004 - 05/31/2004
06/01/2004 - 06/30/2004
07/01/2004 - 07/31/2004
08/01/2004 - 08/31/2004
09/01/2004 - 09/30/2004
10/01/2004 - 10/31/2004
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